Juli Slattery

by Juli Slattery


Can You Spiritually Outgrow Your Marriage?

Cathy and Jim had been married for almost 20 years. At the beginning of their marriage, neither of them took their Christian faith too seriously. An occasional visit to church was enough. Through the challenges of raising children, health scares and financial hardship, Cathy began to find support through women's groups. Over time, she developed a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. She regularly read the Bible and relied on God's wisdom in making life decisions.

The problem? Jim hadn't budged an inch toward God.

Cathy asked me a question that I've heard from many women: Is it possible to spiritually outgrow your marriage?

At one level, the answer is "yes." You might be far more interested than your spouse in spiritual things. Like Cathy, you might want to make every decision with prayer and thinking about biblical standards, while your spouse cares only about practical problem solving.

There is a deep sadness and loneliness that comes when you can't share intimate things of the Lord with your husband. He may roll his eyes when you excitedly share what God has been teaching you. That hurts!

But looking at it from a different angle, it is impossible to spiritually outgrow someone you are called to love.

I remember meeting with another woman who felt she had a much deeper relationship with God than her husband did. In her loneliness, she developed an intimate relationship with a man from her church who was also lonely in his marriage. In the midst of violating their wedding vows they prayed, attended church and read the Bible together. The woman told me that God had brought this adulterous relationship in her life because He knew how spiritually lonely she was in her marriage.

Do you see the irony? The deception? The twisted thinking?

If this woman were truly growing spiritually, her empathy and unconditional love for her husband would have been the fruit. Instead, her self-righteousness and discontent led her into a dangerous deception. So was she really spiritually more mature than her husband?

While you may not be contemplating an affair, your feeling of being spiritually mismatched may lead you to other forms of “righteous” sins. Pride, gossip, a critical spirit… I’ve been there only to have the Lord show me that my feelings of spiritual superiority were actually proof of my immaturity. Ouch!

The deeper you grow with the Lord, the greater your capacity to love your spouse—even if he or she may be less passionate about seeking God. You will find yourself embracing your vows more fervently rather than questioning them. The true evidence of God's work in our lives is not spiritual superiority, but becoming more like Christ in his humility and obedience.

As Paul wrote, "spiritual knowledge puffs up, but love builds up."



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  • Andrew Brassyhub

    Andrew Brassyhub

    We've been married for over 40 years. My wife's life-long struggle to accept her lesbian sexual orientation have more or less broken her faith. The years of unanswered prayers, the fruitless retreats, courses... My new year resolution is to renew an important part of my calling: God wants me to love her and accept her just as she is, as He loves her and accepts her just as she is. There is and will remain a deep mis-match, but am I in any way superior? No. I have a long way to go to be more like Christ - and so does she.
  • Juli Slattery

    Juli Slattery

    Thank you for sharing this, Andrew. I know it has been a painful journey of surrender! May the Lord meet you in your desire to honor Him.




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