Blog
Why You Still Need Boundaries As You Pursue Sexual Integrity
While we do need to reject the legalism of purity culture, Juli explains that boundaries still help us embrace godliness with our sexuality.
If I’m Free, Why Can’t I Do What I Want? And Other Ways We Misunderstand Freedom
There are significant differences between the way the Bible and the world talk about freedom, so what does it really mean to live freely?
Help! I Know I Need to Talk to My Teenager About Sex, but How Do I Do It?
Want to share the good news about God's design for sexuality with your teen? Start with creating a strong relational connection.
I Love Being Bitter: How We Grow Bitter and 3 Ways to Overcome
The Bible warns against bitterness, but how do we prevent bitterness from growing in our hearts? Hannah Nitz shares her heart on the blog.
Contentment: How to Live Joyfully Through the Ups and Downs of Life
If everything in your life were to remain exactly the way it is in this current moment, do you think you could still be truly, deeply happy? As a single woman, this was something I was used to asking myself. After all, marriage was not a certainty. What surprised me though was when I asked myself this same question in the tenth month of my first year of marriage, when all of a sudden it felt as though my husband and I had reached a hard stop we couldn’t move beyond. As I took my grief to ...
Sexual Integrity: The Heart of Sexually Discipling Your Kids
Today’s Christian parents often feel torn between the cultural messages of sex positivity and traditional church teachings about saving sex for marriage, both of which seem fraught with potential challenges and pitfalls. While cultural messages are at odds with God’s revealed design for sexual expression, traditional religious messages often equate human sexuality with unspoken shame and confusion.
I believe God’s design for humanity is good in every area of life, including sexuality. ...
5 Reasons You’re Not Talking to Your Kids About Sex (and How to Overcome Them)
Over the past decade, I have physically stood in front of more than 100,000 people to teach on sexuality. It is literally my job to talk about sex. But here’s a little secret. The most difficult conversations I have had about sex have been with my own children. It has been easier for me to stand in front of thousands of strangers than to talk to my own children about this topic.
You keep hearing that you need to talk to your kids about sex. With each passing day the issues become more ...
Talking to Your Kids About Sex: Why, When, and How
My husband had just returned home with our youngest son after a weekend away for the sex talk. Christian, eleven at the time, sheepishly told me, “Mom, I feel like I’m too young to know all these things about sex.”
I reassured him, “I know how you feel, but Dad and I want to tell you about sex before you learn about it from your friends or what you see in movies.”
Christian went off to play but returned a few hours later with an observation. “Mom, I’ve been thinking. The way the world is ...
Does God Want Me to Love Myself?
This is potentially the most controversial blog I have ever written. As I’ve often stated, the Bible isn’t primarily offensive because of what it says about our sexuality. It is offensive because of what it says about our humanity. You may disagree with what you are going to read. That’s okay! We often grow the most when some of our closely held assumptions are challenged.
In American Christianity we have accepted and repeated a phrase that I believe is blatantly untrue. Here it is: God ...
Help! I’m in a Sexless Marriage!
My husband and I haven’t had sex in two years. The drought began after I had our third child. I’ve never really enjoyed sex. I was always tired, and I just didn’t think it was worth the effort anymore. Now, we don’t even talk about it.
My wife and I got married about eighteen months ago. Because of sexual pain, we have not been able to have sex. Does that mean we aren’t really married? We have started talking about whether we should even stay together if we can’t have sex after trying so ...
Why We Don’t Experience Victory
I recently spoke with a young woman who despises herself because of her continual struggle with lust and pornography. She’s tried to obey God and run away from sin only to find herself falling into it once again. I’ve met other people who feel similar discouragement in their marriage or on their healing journey.
Why do followers of Jesus stay captive to sin? Why doesn’t God fix broken marriages and heal our wounded hearts? If it is for freedom that Christ came, why aren’t we free?
This is ...
Help! How Much Sex is “Normal” for Married Couples?
It isn’t uncommon for us to receive questions from married couples asking about a normal frequency for sex. Should they have sex once a week, twice a week, or every day?! We understand that it can be challenging for two people with different levels of desire for sex to find a sexual rhythm and routine that works for both of them, but instead of asking, “What is normal?” try asking, “What is healthy?” It’s important to focus not on what everyone else is doing, but on what is good for you ...
What Do I Do With My Sexual Desires?
“What do I do with my sexual desire?” I’ve heard this question from men and women of every age, from those who have never married and from those who find themselves “single again.” I have also heard this question from married people who, for one reason or another, do not feel sexually satisfied within marriage. (Presione aquí para leer en español).
If you follow Christ, you aim to steward your sexuality in a way that honors God’s design. God created sex to be an expression and celebration ...
What Defines an Intimate Relationship?
A few years ago, I was speaking at a college campus about God’s design for sexuality. During a break, a young woman approached me with a question, “You said that God created me for intimacy. Isn’t intimacy the same thing as having sex?”
(Presione aquí para leer en español)
This brave woman articulated a confusion that I believe many experience. Intimacy and sex have become synonymous. For example, an eleven-year-old girl develops her first significant friendship with a classmate. They ...
How Do I Know He’s “The One”?
Q: Is there one person I'm meant to marry, or should I just choose a good man?
A: This question isn't simply a contemplative exercise; it impacts how you approach dating and marriage. However, I think it is the wrong question to be asking.
The question of "Is there one guy I'm supposed to marry?" is fundamentally based on fear. You've likely seen marriages break apart and wonderful romances turn ugly. Perhaps you grew up in the throes of your mom and dad fighting. Judith Wallerstein, one ...
Prioritize Sexual Intimacy by Getting Your Bedroom Ready, Part 3
One very practical and creative way to work on sexual intimacy in your marriage is to put thought and intention into the physical space of your bedroom. Whether or not you are aware of it, the environment of your bedroom impacts your sexual intimacy. Here is a quick exercise to show you what I mean:
Close your eyes and imagine walking into the following different physical spaces. For each of these familiar environments, use your imagination and pay close attention to what you might see, ...
Prioritize Sexual Intimacy by Getting Your Body Ready, Part 2
Much of my work in helping people navigate sexual issues revolves around how we think about sex. Your thought life, and your understanding of God and sex, are very important to your sex life. However, the basic truth is this: you can’t have sex without a body.
Sex, at one level, is a gift exchange of two bodies. I give my body to my husband and he gives his to me. There have been seasons where I felt like I was giving a very subpar gift—kind of like that Christmas present you found on the ...
Prioritize Sexual Intimacy by Getting Your Mind Ready, Part 1
“Your most important sex organ is your brain.” I remember when I first heard this statement as a young married woman. Enjoying sex is practically impossible without thinking about it.
Both men and women can struggle to know how to think about sex in a way that is both exciting and honoring to each other. However, the link between thinking about sex and preparing for it is particularly strong for women. Many wives describe feeling like they have “sexual ADHD.” They can’t get their mind to ...
A Road Map to Sexual Integrity in the Midst of Sexual Brokenness
Do you want to know the question that keeps me up at night? It’s this: How can I honor God with my sexuality in the face of my sexual brokenness and unmet desires?
At Authentic Intimacy, we often use words like sexual wholeness or sexual integrity instead of sexual purity. The first time I remember hearing this distinction, I was skeptical. Isn’t that just a fancy repackaging of the ideas I’d grown up with in the purity movement? But as I started to digest it a bit more, I realized it is ...
Are You a Good Friend? 7 Keys to Building Healthy Friendship
Several months ago, a friend invited me to coffee. After catching up on kids and ministry, I noticed her countenance shift. She obviously was struggling to share something difficult with me. After a few deep breaths, my friend explained how several years ago I had said and done things that deeply hurt her. I felt horrible for my insensitivity and for how I had hurt her without realizing the impact of my actions. Even though I couldn’t go back in time, I was grateful that my friend cared ...
5 Ways the Church Must “Step Up” in Response to Sexual Abuse Within Its Walls
A few weeks ago, the Christian world was rocked by a bombshell revelation. An independent report of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) documented a pattern of ignoring and silencing victims of sexual abuse within the denomination. While there were rumblings of trouble a few years ago, even the leaders who called for the investigation were horrified by what it revealed. Russel Moore, who was one of the leaders sounding the alarm, wrote this in response to the report: “I was wrong to call ...
How To Go From Demand and “Duty Sex” to True Sexual Intimacy
As Roy and Stacy listened to their pastor teach on I Corinthians 7, they began to shift uncomfortably in their seats. “Paul is saying here that a wife is to meet her husband’s sexual needs. If she doesn’t, he may be tempted to seek sex outside of their relationship.” The pastor tried to dampen the tension in the room with an ill-advised joke. “Men, maybe you are like me and this is your favorite passage in the Bible. I once told my wife that I’d love for her to get me a plaque for our ...
How To Help Little Ones Celebrate How God Made Their Bodies
We're happy to welcome Francie Winslow back to the blog. You can learn more from Francie at her website.
I was cuddled up with my youngest son on the couch when the well-known cartoon “Blues Clues” popped up on the screen. Along with flashy colors came a classic tune, “Ants Go Marching One by One.” But instead of hearing the normal lyrics that I expected to match that familiar trumpeting song, I heard something much different. As the vibrant wave of colors and happy smiling faces filled ...
What To Wear in the Bedroom?
Do you need to change what you wear in the bedroom? Like me, maybe you choose your sleepwear based on comfort and not to entice. I much prefer Life is Good to Victoria Secret in the bedroom, but we will save that conversation for another day. Even though I sometimes write and speak on spicing up sex in marriage, this blog is about a different kind of “bedroom clothes.”
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, ...
What God Wants For Christmas
True confession: the Christmas season overwhelms me.
It’s not the busyness, the music, or the parties, but the gift-giving that stresses me out. Gifts are not my love language, so I never know how to answer my husband when he asks what I’d like for Christmas. What makes the season most stressful is choosing gifts for others. I rarely feel like I picked out the perfect gift. If I knew something that would delight a friend or loved one, I’d buy it in a heartbeat, but I usually feel like I’m ...
What Kind of Lover Are You?
As women, we typically view sex as a way of expressing the love and intimacy we feel in our hearts. It’s definitely a challenge to be sexually intimate when those feelings of love are absent. For the first decade of our marriage, it irritated me when my husband wanted sex when we had barely spoken. From his perspective, sex was the way we could connect and feel close. So, we were at a stalemate… I needed to feel love to have sex and he needed to have sex to feel love.
The truth is that ...
What Submission Isn’t
*The two-part blog series we’re kicking off this week is a sneak peak into what Dr. Juli Slattery has been working on ... a complete rewrite of her book Finding the Hero in Your Husband. Stay tuned for updates on when it will be released in 2021!*
In my job speaking on topics of sexuality, I’ve had to address a lot of uncomfortable and controversial issues. But there’s nothing quite as offensive as submission. You might even be internally cringing as I use that ...
Parenting Through Weakness
Dear Juli, I’m the mom of two teenage girls. I know I need to talk to them about sex but honestly, I don’t know where to begin. My sex life is a mess. My husband and I have relied on porn in our marriage for years. I have abuse in my past that I’ve never dealt with. I feel so messed up in my own life … how can I possibly help my daughters?
One of the greatest barriers to honest conversations about sex with our kids (especially teens and young adults) is our own sexual brokenness. In one ...
Taming the Tongue on Groundhog Day
I’ve heard a lot of people comment that life right now feels like the movie “Groundhog Day”—the same thing over and over again with no end in sight. While there are blessings in having our lives slow down, there are also tensions and frustrations that overflow out of our hearts through our mouths and onto the people we really want to show love. Your spouse, your children, your roommate, your co-workers … even your dog might be getting the brunt of your tongue.
Thousands of years ago, James ...
Predictability and Passion Can Improve a Boring Sex Life
If you are married, there is a very good chance that you and your spouse have different sexual appetites. This not only applies to how often you want to have sex, but also to how adventurous you would each like to be in the bedroom.
A healthy sex life has aspects of both routine and adventure: If a couple builds sexual excitement by always searching for that next new experience, sex becomes less about intimacy and more about pursuing the physical high of sexual novelty. On the other hand, ...
Spice Up Your Sex Life
Are you feeling stuck in your home and in your sex life? Think back to the last time you left your house: It could possibly have been four or five weeks! And most likely it has been even longer since you and your spouse went out for a date night.
When my husband and I were newlyweds, we committed to weekly date nights. Every Thursday night we spent time together—sometimes we dressed up and went to dinner, or we went for a walk and got street tacos. Other nights we stayed home and ordered ...
COVID-19 and Porn: A Quick Fix But No Solution
(Presione aquí para leer en español).
Since COVID-19 the pornography industry has seen a massive increase in website traffic. On March 24th, one major site announced that their premium content would be free to all visitors resulting in a massive increase of 18.5%. The site explained that watching free porn will encourage people to stay home and flatten the curve.
It’s no surprise that many will turn to porn in our current circumstance. I know because this used to be my story. In moments of ...
COVID-19 y pornografía: Una salida rápida, pero no una solución
Desde el inicio de COVID-19, la industria de la pornografía ha experimentado un aumento masivo en el tráfico de sitios web. El 24 de marzo, un sitio importante anunció que su contenido premium sería gratuito para todos los visitantes, lo que resultó en un aumento masivo del 18,5%. El sitio explicó que ver pornografía gratis alentará a las personas a quedarse en casa y aplanar la curva.
No es de extrañar que muchos recurran a la pornografía en nuestras circunstancias actuales. Lo sé porque ...
Don’t Waste the Pain
Practically every conversation I’ve had in the last week has contained a phrase like, “These are strange times.” Strange times, indeed.
Never in our lives have we walked through so much uncertainty. Our health, careers, and security all seem to be dangling on a precarious cliff. Regardless of how much news you consume, the future remains uncertain and unpredictable.
As a follower of Jesus, I’ve pondered, “How should I pray?” For several years now, my heart has been burdened for revival. As ...
Did He Pass the Test?
This morning, I met with a group of friends to encourage each other in our marriages. As we talked, one of the women described her discouragement when her husband failed to text her during the day about something that was important to her.
“He knew my sister was going into surgery. I just told him a few days ago that I was really worried about it. It hurts me that he didn’t think to text me or even ask me how it went.”
One of the greatest needs we have as wives is to know that we are ...
Stop Trying So Hard!
Several years ago, I met with a spiritual mentor with whom I shared an ongoing battle with a particular sin. We had been meeting every month for over a year, yet I was still tempted by the same sin. I didn’t feel like I was making any spiritual progress! I asked her, “When will I stop battling this sin?” She wisely responded, “When you stop battling, you will have lost.”
I was reminded of this conversation recently when I read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5–7. It’s challenging and in ...
When Christians Disagree About Sex
When the Nashville statement was released, it brought conservative Christianity’s relationship with sexual issues front and center into the mainstream media. USA Today described the Nashville statement this way, “A coalition of conservative evangelical leaders laid out their beliefs on human sexuality, including opposition to same-sex marriage and fluid gender identity, in a new doctrinal statement.”
If you are familiar with the ministry Authentic Intimacy, you know how deeply I care ...
Helping Your Husband Grow UP
We’ve written before about the growing trend of husbands who would rather play their Xbox or Nintendo Switch—or spend hours glued to ESPN, oblivious of your screaming child and leaking roof—than step into adult responsibilities. Whatever the scenario, the burden of “emotional labor” often falls heavily on the wife.
If, as a wife, you find yourself here, how should you invite him into maturity rather than encouraging stagnation by continuing to “do it all”?
First, know you cannot make ...
Why I Care About Your Sex Life
In case you haven’t heard, Fifty Shades of Grey was recently named the best-selling book of the decade. When I saw this come through my newsfeed, my first thought was, “Here we go again…” I’m quite certain that we will have another round of debates about the relative harm of erotica and whose place it is to judge someone else’s sex life. Part of me dreads these conversations, but another part of me is getting ready with great anticipation. Here’s why…. A conversation about sex is never ...
Learning To Be a Promise-Breaker
Has anyone ever told you that it may be healthy to break your promises? No, I’m not talking about going back on your word or taking your wedding vows lightly. I’m referring to a different category of vows … the kind of promises that people rarely acknowledge.
Our most powerful promises are usually ones that we never speak and may not even be conscious that we’ve made. Most of our lives are dictated by such unconscious vows. They represent the “guiding voices” that sabotage our ...
A Hopeless New Year?
Turning my calendar to January 1 is usually refreshing for me. It represents a new year with a clean slate and excitement ahead. So why does ushering in 2020 feel so heavy and discouraging? There are many indications that our culture is quickly moving in a dangerous direction. The publishing industry recently announced that Fifty Shades of Grey is the top selling book of the decade. In fact, the three installments of the trilogy occupy the top three slots in the list of all books published ...
The World Has a Lot To Say About Sex
If you haven’t noticed, our views on sexuality have changed quite a bit over the past 20 years. Americans are far more accepting of behaviors they once considered to be sexually immoral. Cohabitation, having sex outside of marriage, no-fault divorce, viewing pornography, gender fluidity, and polygamy, among others, have dramatically gained approval in our cultural context. Politicians and religious leaders who just a decade ago spoke against abortion and gay marriage are now fully ...
What’s the Purpose of Your Sexuality, Really?
(Presione aquí para leer en español).
If someone asks you, “What are your thoughts on cohabitation?” or “Do you believe God is ok with gay marriage?” how would you respond?
To answer those questions, you will (without even realizing it) tap into your underlying beliefs about the purpose of sexuality. Every opinion you have about sexual issues is rooted in a larger narrative of what you believe about sex—and ultimately, God. Your sexual narrative is the background that helps you make ...
Why Promise Rings and Purity Talks Fall Short
True Love Waits. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Promise rings. These are the touchstones of predominant teaching on sexual purity promoted by the Christian community throughout the past several decades. Yet, the word purity among today’s Christian adults can elicit feelings of shame and even anger. Why? Because the purity narrative has proven to be ineffective for many and harmful for others.
The “purity narrative” teaches that God created sex for marriage. Saving yourself for marriage is one ...
Why Does Sex Matter in Marriage? Pt. 2
For the past decade, my full-time job has been to address sexual issues from a Christian perspective. Knowing that, you can imagine the kind of emails I regularly receive in my inbox! What I’ve learned is that sexuality represents pain in a lot of lives and marriages. When people ask me, “What’s normal for a Christian married couple?” one of my responses is that it is normal to experience obstacles in your sex life.
And the list of potential struggles is long: A history of pornography. ...
Why Does Sex Matter in Marriage? Pt. 1
Most of us have been told that sex in marriage is important. But why does it matter? For many of us, sex may just be “meh” or tend to cause more division in our relationships than unity.
The reality is that sexual issues are always among the top reasons for marital conflict and even divorce. Many couples fight about sex, and they don’t know where to go for answers. In addition to the marriages that dissolve because of sexual infidelity, many more couples endure decades of sexual ...
Escaping the Web of Pride
My dear friend Christine and I were recently talking over a cup of coffee about the battle of pride—how difficult it is to detect and how impossible to conquer. She told me a story that perfectly symbolized the problem:
Juli, every morning I go out to my garden and find spider webs all over my vegetables. Each day I brush them away, but sure enough, they are back in a different form the next morning. Those spider webs will keep showing up until I find and kill the spider. It dawned on ...
Breaking Free from Sexual Addiction
Sometimes I joke about things I am "addicted" to. Coffee and dark chocolate are definitely on the list. Honestly, we are all addicted to something—there are things in life we just can't seem to get by without. You may be addicted to your husband's affection, a daily workout, talking to or texting your best friend, or spending time in prayer. At the most basic level, we are all addicted to things like food, sleep, human interaction, and oxygen. We simply can't live without them.
Any ...
Forgiveness is Hard, Grace is Harder
We spend a lot of time as Christ-followers talking about forgiving one another. After all, Jesus taught the importance of forgiveness, saying that our Heavenly Father will not forgive us if we fail to forgive each other. That’s pretty heavy!
While forgiveness is a key part of the Christian life, I think that extending grace is perhaps even more necessary in our relationships with one another. So what’s the difference between extending grace, and forgiveness?
We forgive someone when they ...
Shame Doesn’t Have the Final Word
Most women bask in the comment “You look so young!” but not Jeni. Why? Because she is young … too young to be the mom of a six-year-old girl. When Jeni goes to her daughter’s kindergarten class, she feels out of place with every other mom, many of whom are more than a decade her senior. “I know that God has forgiven me for my sexual sin, but how do I get rid of the shame when everywhere I go, I have to explain that I had a child when I was 15? I don’t want to always think of my daughter as ...
How Do We Tell Good From Evil?
Is it wrong to live together before marriage? Does gender really matter? Is it wrong to support gay marriage?
These are the types of questions that we often get asked at Authentic Intimacy. Perhaps more than ever, many Christians are confused about right and wrong. In the past 10 years, our moral convictions about sexuality—among other things—have eroded into relativism. Not because of any new scientific or theological findings, but simply because Christians have changed the way we ...
Joshua Harris, Sexuality, and “Deconstructing” Christianity
Recently, the evangelical world has been rocked by the news of Joshua Harris’s decision to leave his marriage and Christian beliefs. Joshua is the bestselling author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and was a well-known spokesperson for the purity movement of the 1990s. A few years ago, Joshua began a journey of listening to people who have been wounded and disillusioned by the message of the purity movement: “Save sex for marriage and God will bless you!”
Joshua Harris has joined a chorus of ...
How to Have Tough Conversations
(Presione aquí para leer en español)
If you listen to our podcast, Java with Juli, you know that I don’t like small talk. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been able to acutely sense unspoken tension in a room. I’m anxious when I have a conflict with a friend or family member, and have trouble finding peace until it is addressed. Maybe this is why I chose to become a psychologist: The counseling room is one of the few places where we are allowed—and even expected—to bring up the ...
Where Do You Run When Marriage Gets Lonely?
It’s one thing to be lonely when you are single, wondering if and when God will ever bring the right guy. It’s another matter for your heart to ache with loneliness when the “right guy” is living in your home and sleeping in your bed. If this is your reality, please know that you are not alone. Behind the façade of busyness and “family life,” many married women are desperately lonely.
Marriage books are filled with advice on how to bridge the chasm between you and your husband. Working to ...
Beyond a Happy Marriage
Within the past month, I’ve been accused of two things that seem to be mutually exclusive.
A few women have made comments like, “Why don’t you ever challenge the men? Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to build a healthy marriage?”
And men have written me with this kind of complaint, “The Bible says that wives should fulfill their husband’s sexual needs. There are faithful men living in sexless marriages because ministries like yours make excuses for women.”
We have a wonderful, ...
Drowning in Shallow Christianity
I recently met with a friend who shared openly with me about her struggles in marriage. “It’s like living with a robot! He doesn’t seem to know how to connect emotionally. Am I supposed to live the next thirty years with this man? Does God really want me to be so lonely?”
I have heard echoes of this dear woman’s questions in so many other situations. My single friends wonder why God hasn’t brought a husband and children. Others can’t figure out why God doesn’t take away the pain from ...
Sex is the Icing on the Cake
Growing up, I was never much of a cook. With three sisters and a mother who all cook and bake masterfully, I had no reason to learn how.
As a wife and mother, I reluctantly accepted my role as the family chef. A few years ago, I attempted to bake a homemade cake for a dinner party. I measured all of the ingredients carefully, preheated the oven, and baked my cake at the exact temperature the recipe called for.
When the timer went off, I anxiously opened the oven to see a lopsided brown ...
A Perfect Marriage
Mike and I recently attended a wedding. The bride was stunning, and the groom gleamed with pride. Not a dry eye in the place. Weddings are beautiful—not just because of the music, flowers, dresses, and tuxes, but also because they represent young, unblemished love. Like the birth of a child, the beginning of a new family holds unending promise and boundless dreams that have not yet been tarnished by conflict and foolish choices.
I’m not sure about you, but my marriage feels like it would ...
A Secret for the Guys
Every day we hear from men who desperately want help and encouragement for their wives. Most commonly, they complain that their wives are not interested in sexual intimacy. Many of these messages end with pleas like “Help me! What can I do to help her understand my needs?”
While most of my work is with women, today I want to share a secret with the men. It is the same secret that I see transforming women. Are you ready?
If you really want to change your marriage, you have to understand ...
Your Sexual Differences Can Make You Better Lovers
Have you ever wondered why God made you and your husband so different? For many years, I thought that might be my first question to God when I got to heaven. The differences between me and my husband, particularly in the bedroom, were driving us both crazy. Sexual intimacy created more conflict in our marriage than unity and more pain than pleasure. It seemed like a cruel joke or a gift that we were staring at but couldn’t seem to open.
I know I’m not alone. I’ve met with women who want to ...
Is There Really a 7-Year Itch?
My husband and I are leading a Bible study with mostly newlywed couples. After a few weeks, we noticed how often we referred to the seven-year-something . . . itch? pit? slump? The other couples in the group started nervously teasing about what terrible blockade may lay in their marriage journey.
Is the seven-year-itch a real thing? If so, are you doomed to bump into it? And why does it happen in the seventh year?
While the seven-year-itch isn’t predictable enough to set your calendar by, ...
When Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused
The headlines are filled with horrific accounts of childhood sexual abuse. Behind every headline are children and their parents, families grasping for help and hope through devastating news. We have received many emails from parents who recently discovered that their children have been sexually violated. While we grieve with you, we also want to equip you. Sexual abuse should never happen! While it can’t be erased from a child’s memory, it can be processed in a way that minimizes future ...
Manhood on a Razor’s Edge
Last week, I spent $44 at Costco on Gillette razor blades for my husband. When I heard Gillette had just released a controversial video on toxic manhood, I wondered if I would regret my purchase. Having just watched the Gillette commercial, I couldn’t be more encouraged. I understand that some view it as a criticism of masculinity, but I see it as an invitation to reclaim the valor and value of men. Here are a few elements I appreciate about the commercial:
The acknowledgement of ...
Your Husband Needs You Too
I vividly remember life as it was about 15 years ago. A newborn, a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old, all boys. Most mornings, I woke up to someone crying or pleading for breakfast. From the time my feet hit the ground until I went to bed, someone needed me. I was acutely aware of the demands of my three sons. Without me, they would have no clothes, food, comfort or safety. My days were preoccupied with meeting the needs of these three little humans.
At the same time, I had a nagging sense of ...
Have You Forgotten Who God Is?
In the process of teaching about biblical sexuality, I have at times taken a critical look at traditions Christians have long held as truth. For example, you may have heard a recent Java with Juli episode exploring the missteps and harmful messages of the conservative Christian purity movement of the 1990s. I have also spoken into controversial topics including LGBT issues, mommy porn and cohabitation. I’m not the only one having these conversations. Within the landscape of the Christian ...
I Don’t Trust Myself
A few days ago, I rushed to see Toni (the lady who cuts my hair) in the middle of the work day. I got there with just a few minutes to spare after getting off a conference call. Someone else was sitting in Toni’s chair. “I’ll just wait in the lobby until you’re done,” I told Toni. In response, she said, “You’re not supposed to be here today. I have you down for next week.”
If you spent a week with me, you would probably pick up on the fact that this kind of thing happens quite often. In ...
Pure Sadness and a Better Way Forward
I recently read a very sad book, Pure by Linda Kay Klein. This book keeps popping up in my newsfeed which tells me that people want to talk about it. The subtitle of the book hits precisely why this book caused my heart to ache: “Inside the evangelical movement that shamed a generation of young women and how I broke free.”
Within the book, the author shares her journey of shame, confusion and turmoil around sexual issues resulting from the way she learned about sex from a conservative ...
Your Spouse Doesn’t Complete You
When is the last time you felt disappointed by your marriage? Notice that I asked when, not if. Disappointment is a normal part of any relationship, but it hits us particularly hard in marriage.
We live in a day and time when marriage is presented as an answer for your loneliness, insecurities, sexual frustration and romantic longings. Marriage is supposed to make you happy, right? Your husband is supposed to be your soul mate. Well that might be true in romantic comedies, but things don’t ...
Loving a Broken Man (Or Woman)
Gary Thomas has been a guest on Java with Juli multiple times and also joined us for our webinar "Having a Mission-Focused Marriage." He is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community. This guest blog continues an ongoing series, begun last week on Gary Thomas' ...
Sexual Pleasure Isn’t Shameful
God cares about your sex life. It may seem weird to see the words God and sex in the same sentence. Sometimes when I teach women on this topic, they have a visceral reaction to the concept of God knowing about their sex lives. Psalm 139 tells us that God is always with us. There is nowhere we can go to hide from his presence—not even the bedroom!
Why is there such a disconnect for a woman to consider that God cares about her sex life? When I probe past the initial “That’s just weird!” ...
The “Why” for Every Question About Sexuality
When children reach the age of two, they begin asking a question they never stop asking. Why? If you are parenting a young child, you are faced with endless why questions. Why do I have to go to bed so early? Why do I have to eat brussel sprouts? Why do you have to go to work? Why does he get more pizza than I do? Why can’t I drive the car?
In their exhaustion, some parents defer to the age old response to every why question. Because I said so! This answer is not very satisfying to a ...
Does Your Husband Need Sex?
Until recently, it has been part of the Christian marriage narrative that men need sex. Christian marriage books over the decades have repeatedly claimed that sex is a primary need for guys in marriage. In many marriages (but not all), husbands would eagerly nod their heads in agreement.
That assumption has now been challenged for a few key reasons. First, more women are speaking out about their sexual desires in marriage. What about a wife’s sexual needs? In approximately 25% of ...
Parenting as a Team
When I look at the home my husband grew up in and compare it to how I was raised, it’s a wonder we ended up together. Our backgrounds are so completely opposite that no marriage counselor in her right mind would have suggested that we marry.
Once we said, “I do,” Mike and I disagreed about how to approach everything from the budget to cleaning the toilet, but parenting presented the ultimate test to our unity. What came naturally to him as a dad seemed to be the opposite of my approach as ...
The Great Danger: He Can Have My Body, But…
Jerusha Clark wrote the following guest blog as a follow up to her and Juli's conversation on Java with Juli. Jerusha and her husband Jeramy have been sharing their journey of marriage and parenting for many years, encouraging others with what God is teaching them.You can find out more about Jerusha’s ministry and books at jandjclark.com.
The Great Danger: He Can Have My Body, But…
I don’t even remember what we were fighting about.
Isn’t that so often the case? I stormed out ...
Learning to Say “I Was Wrong”
If you are old enough to recall the sitcom Happy Days, you’ll remember “The Fonz.” Henry Winkler played the character of Arthur Fonzarelli, the coolest guy in town. The Fonz in his leather jacket and perfect hair could get all the ladies with the snap of his fingers. Despite his bad-boy persona, the Fonz was a warm-hearted guy who could surprise you with sage advice. But the Fonz had one fatal flaw: he could never admit that he was wrong. In those rare cases when he erred, Fonz would ...
When Your Kids Look At Porn
As the mom of three sons, there are days I wish I could be parenting in a different era… one in which cell phones did not exist and comic books were more common than pornography. Yet we do not choose the time and place which God inserts us into history. Pornography and the many sexual consequences associated with it are a regrettable part of the fabric of our society. Unfortunately, I don’t believe there is anything we can do to completely shield our children from these dangers. Most ...
Your Marriage Should Be Fun
Someone once asked my husband, Mike, “What’s it like being married to a psychologist?” Mike answered, “It’s great. I get to sleep with my therapist.”
In all seriousness, there are some very frustrating things about having a wife who is a psychologist. Probably the greatest drawback is that I always notice what is wrong. Remember the story of “The Princess and the Pea”? She could feel the slightest item under a pile of mattresses. That’s how I feel sometimes in family life. I notice when ...
Another Reminder That Something is Wrong
Several months ago, I got really sick. I was in bed for days with a high fever and chills, a deep cough, and no appetite. I gave the illness several days to run its course, treating my symptoms with Tylenol and cough medicine. When I didn’t get better, my husband took me to the doctor. I had pneumonia. Within 24 hours of taking the right antibiotic, I was on the long road to recovery.
Symptoms tell us that something’s wrong. By using over-the-counter medication to manage symptoms, ...
Can I Be Godly and Gay?
Excerpted from 25 Questions You’re Afraid to Ask About Love, Sex, and Intimacy by Dr. Juli Slattery. © 2015 by Moody Publishers. Used with Permission. (Presione aquí para leer en español)
This question is a powder-keg--an extremely sensitive issue. If you have homosexual or bi-sexual tendencies, this is not just a theological debate, but speaks to the core of how you see yourself and how God views you.
The homosexual conversation impacts not just those who identify themselves as ...
What If I Hate Sex?
"I hate sex. It makes me angry to hear you even suggest that I’m supposed to be enjoying it. I’ve been married twenty-three years and have never enjoyed it. Frankly, I do it because I’m supposed to.” (Presione aquí para leer en español)
I hear from women like this one quite often. They feel ripped off, cheated out of something that they were supposed to enjoy. The message that sex is a gift from God sounds like an insult. Instead, they view sex as a gift that they must grudgingly give to ...
What If I Want Sex More Than My Husband Does?
I get asked this a lot. A woman often sheepishly approaches me at an event and says, “I’m one of those women you talked about who has a higher sex drive than my husband. What should I do?”
Because women in this situation defy the stereotype, they sometimes feel shame and inadequacy. I must not be pretty or sexy enough. Is there something wrong with me? For many women, the "men always want sex" stereotype has been fed to them for so many years that they assume their husband will always be ...
How Do I Rebuild Trust After Betrayal?
There is no pain like discovering that your husband has been unfaithful. It’s as if your whole world has been shattered. You doubt your instincts because you have been fooled. You make vows to never trust again because old vows have been broken.
Based on God’s Word, there is no greater offense in marriage than unfaithfulness. In fact, it is one of the only reasons that God allows for divorce--it’s that serious! I’ve seen some couples who try to quickly move on and forget the whole matter. ...
Masturbation: Is It Wrong?
Because my job is to talk to women about sex, there are few questions I haven't heard and haven't answered. However, there is one common question that I don't like to answer. Is it ok to masturbate? (Presione aquí para leer en español.)
This question is a bit complicated because the Bible never mentions masturbation. I’m fairly certain that even in biblical times, masturbation was something Christians wondered about and struggled with. God was very clear in spelling out the sexual ...
I’m Single & Have No Sexual Desire
“I don’t feel sexual desire toward my boyfriend/fiancé. Should I stay single?”
Let me introduce you to three different women who have asked me this question for very different reasons:
Chelsey has been dating Drew for two years. They have a deep affection for each other and want to share their lives together, but Chelsey avoids physical displays of affection and is dreading the sexual element of marriage. Chelsey experienced sexual abuse throughout her childhood and has a difficult time ...
Why the Word “Purity” is Cringy
My teenage sons have recently introduced me to a new word… “cringy.” It’s how they describe my attempts to dance and many of my lame puns. But it’s also the word many would associate with the term “sexual purity.” As a ministry, we’ve shied away from teaching about “sexual purity,” substituting it with the concept of “sexual integrity.” You might wonder why. Isn’t sexual purity consistent with what the Bible teaches about sex?
There are some Christian terms that evoke a backlash based on ...
Healing After #metoo
As you watch a flood of #MeToo tags come through your social media feed, what is your reaction? Maybe you feel sick to your stomach, need some time to let the grief wash over you, or experience a rush of anger. Me too. How does something that is so hidden and pervasive finally come to light after decades of colluding in silence? I celebrate that women (and men) who have been told to be quiet can finally speak their pain out loud.
My hope and prayer is that #MeToo doesn’t end with the ...
Thanksgiving Could Save Your Marriage
When we think about the holidays, we tend to dread the busyness and added stress that can frustrate intimacy in marriage. Most couples argue about bills, relatives and crazy calendars once mid-November hits. Instead of allowing this to happen in your marriage, I’d like to suggest that the holidays (Thanksgiving in particular) might be an opportunity to strengthen your marriage.
One of the most powerful choices in the human psyche is the choice to be thankful. My mom once told me, “Juli, I ...
What Does the Bible Say About Homosexuality?
Can a person live a gay lifestyle and follow Christ? Is it even fair to ask someone with same-sex attraction to live a celibate life? Is Scripture’s teaching on this matter clear? Homosexuality is a divisive topic among Christians and in the broader culture, as evidenced by media coverage surrounding the Supreme Court’s recent decision. But this is not merely an issue to be debated—it is also deeply personal for many people.
As a Christian psychologist, I realize this is an extremely ...
What is Really Behind the Sex Robot Trend
When you think you’ve heard it all… I recently saw an article predicting that having sex with robots will be commonplace within the next decade. Tech manufacturers are working feverishly to create robotic sex partners with the ability to program a person’s emotional and sexual history. These “sexbots” already exist but are being refined to be more realistic physically, emotionally, and sexually.
In the near future, money will be able buy you a man or woman with the exact proportions you ...
Coming to Terms with Sexual Desire as a Single Woman
“Just wait for marriage,” so I’ve been told. So I’ve waited . . . and waited. And as I’ve waited, I’ve begun to wonder, If marriage doesn’t come, what am I waiting for?
I remember the True Love Waits talks in middle and high school. The message was that sex was bad outside of marriage, but once I found “the one,” sex was going to be incredible—amazing even. I was encouraged to find “the one” fast so that I didn’t burn with lust and fall into sin.
The conversations I had with my ...
Help! My Husband Is The One With The Headache
Watch a movie or flip through some TV sitcoms and you will hear men always want sex. Men are portrayed as constantly turned on and trying to get their wives into bed while the women are typically shown rolling their eyes. Ask a group “What do men think about most often?” and their answer will no doubt be, “Sex!”
When you step into the Christian culture, this stereotype may be even worse. There are books and articles talking to wives and encouraging them to love their husbands through sex, ...
Is Sexual Intimacy A “Sacrament”?
A lot of married couples consider their sexual relationship as an optional addition to the true substance of marriage, doing life together. In the hectic pace of managing careers, raising children, and helping others, getting naked together can seem like a nice perk on those rare occasions when you have extra time and energy. A marriage cannot thrive without good communication, but a great sex life isn’t necessary, is it?
How interesting that Paul wrote something quite different in his ...
The Very Important Difference Between Conflict and Fighting
I’ve shared with you in past blog posts that my husband, Mike, and I are very, very different. Early in our marriage, these differences created a lot of tensions. There were days when I wondered if we could make it with such divergent views on everything from money to movies.
Mike and I are still very different. While that continues to create disagreement, we rarely fight anymore. We discovered a secret that has made our marriage immeasurably more enjoyable. Are you ready?
You can have ...
How to say “Yes, Yes, Yes!” after “No, No, No!”
As we round the corner into late spring, it’s wedding season. Although every new marriage has its unique struggles, some questions newlyweds ask are somewhat predictable. One of them is represented by the title of this blog.
This question is not just asked by the bride who has waited for marriage, but also for those who have “tasted the forbidden fruit” of sexual pleasure as a single woman. I also realize that newlyweds are not the only ones who struggle to say “Yes!” I’ve met women who ...
God’s Healing Stinks
(Presione aquí para leer en español.)
Have you ever had the experience of God “unfolding” the meaning of a Scripture passage in your heart? Recently, He’s been doing that in my heart with John 11. This is the account of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Over the years, I have read this story in John, heard sermons preached on it and even read a book or two related to it. But as I’ve studied it in the context of brokenness, God is showing me something new from this miracle.
Jesus was ...
Why We Need to Care About Sex In the News
I am sometimes lovingly accused of being so lost in my work and family that I don’t know what is going on in the world. It’s as if the Hannah and Carrie from the Authentic Intimacy team knock on the hatch of my “submarine” to tell me about the latest trends and debates.
Within the last few weeks, Carrie and Hannah have kept my inbox full with articles and trends to respond to. Sex has been in the news, debated in government, and the discussion of mom blogs and social media trends. Even ...
Are You Leaning In or Leaning Up?
A few years ago, Sheryl Sandberg (the CEO of Facebook and now Google), wrote a best-selling book, Lean In. She shared her observations about women, careers and what keeps women from advancement in the workplace. While I think Lean In has some practical advice for young, aspiring women, it doesn’t take God’s call on our lives into account. Rather than point out the faults in the philosophy presented in Lean In, I’d like to share a bit about my own journey.
As a forty-six-year-old woman ...
Why Your Story Matters
Have you ever wondered if your life matters? Out of all of the people on the planet, why is your life unique?
From the time of my childhood, I’ve heard that I was made “in the image of God.” This one truth sets all humanity apart from every other created being. As “image bearers” men and women have a special relationship with God and purpose in life. It is a great theological truth but sometimes doesn’t seem to make a difference in how I view my life. If everyone is created in the image of ...
Encountering the Radical Love of Jesus
Through our work at Authentic Intimacy, Linda Dillow and I have met hundreds of women on a healing journey. Some are dealing with sexual trauma, others infidelity and betrayal, and still others can’t shake the shame from their past. We have witnessed the power of our God’s healing and believe that he invites each of us to exchange our “ashes for beauty” and “our mourning for a garment of praise.” In our book, Surprised by the Healer, we share the stories of nine women who have been ...
Who is at the Center of Your Marriage?
What is the most effective glue in marriage? Many modern couples would answer, “our children.” The Atlantic recently published an article stating that modern marriages are becoming more child-centered. It is an emerging trend for several reasons. Most notably, more marriages are starting with children who pre-date the couple. What may be less obvious are the unconscious motivations underlying this trend. Simply put, the love of a child seems more trustworthy than the love of a spouse. In a ...
