Q&A: Is It My Responsibility to Meet My Spouse’s Sexual Needs?
One of the confusing and I would say even misguided messages that has come out of purity culture is the application of sex within marriage.
A lot of women have been taught in the church that it’s your job to give your husband sex so that he doesn’t struggle with pornography or he’s not tempted to have an affair, and that’s a tremendous burden for women to carry. Not only that, but it takes all the joy out of sexual intimacy within marriage.
Now, I understand how people got there when they read a passage of scripture like First Corinthians chapter 7 verses 1 through 5, but I think with that passage as well as every passage of scripture, we have to understand it within the context of the whole of scripture. And so what I want to present to you is a different way of seeing this.
You know, sexual intimacy is very important within marriage. Both a husband and wife are called to steward their sexuality within marriage in a way that’s building intimacy. That’s very different than saying you have an obligation or duty to meet your spouse’s sexual needs whether you’re the husband or the wife whether you have the higher sexual desire or the lower sexual desire. The call is actually to prioritize sexual intimacy, to prioritize communication, to prioritize sexual pleasure together. When you put pressure on one spouse to meet another spouse’s need for the purpose of resisting temptation that really takes the onus and the responsibility of each person to steward their own sexuality, and think of that this way: we tell single Christians all the time that they need to deny themselves and steer their sexuality in a way that honors God that command doesn’t go away when you become married. There’s an aspect of sexual intimacy that requires self-denial that means that not every sexual desire and need you have will be met in marriage whether you’re a single or married you’re responsibility. To resist temptation like pornography or an affair is yours, you own that. Your spouse doesn’t own it, but part of the blessing of marriage is you now have somebody to journey with in terms of exploring sexuality and stewarding your sexuality and celebrating it.
And so my encouragement to the wife who is feeling that pressure is to say first of all, that’s not from God. God calls you to steward your sexuality in a way that honors Him. And second of all, part of stewarding your sexuality means building true intimacy. Not just checking a box to meet a need, not feeling an obligation, but feeling a call to minister to each other sexually. Pursuing sexual intimacy in that way in the long run is far more fulfilling and actually guards against temptation much more than just checking a box and having sex out of duty or obligation. And that’s a call for both the husband and wife that we steer our sexuality in a way that truly ministers to one another.