“He slurps his soup, bites his fingernails and always leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. I expected the relational challenges of marriage, but my biggest problem is that I can barely stand to be in the same room with the man!”
I wonder how many marriages are derailed by the little things. Living with someone will certainly bring out every annoying habit. Even if you know you are being petty, you can’t stop yourself from being annoyed, can you?
Mike and I just celebrated 22 years. Have we annoyed each other over that time? You bet! I can give you a list of the things I do that can drive my husband crazy. And, yes, I’ve made a mental list of his annoying habits too. I can honestly say that we are no longer annoyed with each other—at least most of the time. I hope it won’t annoy you if I share three of the breakthroughs I’ve had on the journey to an irritation-free marriage.
Your husband’s annoying habits are not the primary reason why you’re annoyed with him. Irritation is almost always the symptom of something much deeper. Annoying habits are sort of like background music . . . sometimes you don’t even notice them but other times they become incredibly distracting. So what makes the difference? Why did you used to think his quirky laugh was cute but now it drives you crazy?
My growing irritation with my husband around year two was rooted in intimacy and identity. As we were becoming “one,” I deeply disliked anything about Mike that I didn’t think represented me. For example, I would never be late, so I resented the fact that he was always running late.
I’ve found this to be true in other close friendships as well. When annoying habits bother me, there is almost always a deeper issue gnawing at my love. Once that issue is addressed, the “background music” fades into its proper place.
My husband has a habit of clearing his throat and sinuses when he’s congested that I really don’t like. Most of the time, I try to ignore it, but sometimes it really gets on my nerves. It’s one of those gross guy things that girls would never do. So, one day I was biting my tongue in the car as my husband did his sinus clearing. We had the same cold and I internally congratulated myself for handling my sinus issues in a much more dignified manner. Out of the blue, Mike said, “Would you stop sniffling already and blow your nose? I hate it when you keep sniffling!”
It dawned on me that for every irritating habit I complain about, I have one too. We both stink up the bathroom, get grumpy when we’re tired, and have compulsive ways of handling stress. Yes, he picked up some things from his parents that get under my skin, but I’ve got my share of ideosyncrocies too. He has as much reason to be annoyed with me as I do with him.
At this point in our marriage, we reached a comfort level to begin sharing what bothers each other. Out of consideration, we’ve tried to get rid of things that are annoying. (Although he still does his man sinus clearing thing and I still sniffle occasionally.)
I first met Linda Dillow, the co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, when I interviewed her for a Focus on the Family broadcast. Linda asked me if I would read her newest book for a possible endorsement. Feeling fairly confident as a clinical psychologist and “marriage expert,” I began to read What’s It Like to be Married to Me? And Other Dangerous Questions.
What neither Linda nor anyone else knew was that I was struggling in my marriage. There were days when all I could see was what irritated and annoyed me about my husband. He parents so differently than I do. He loves movies and I just want to read a good book. He wants everything to be neat; I just want to get through the day. On and on my internal complaints would go. Reading Linda’s book was a gentle smack in the face (if there is such a thing.) God convicted me about my attitude toward my husband.
For 16 years, I had been making a mental list—a list of my disappointments, what annoyed me, and what I wished were different. Linda, through her book, challenged me to make a different list—a list of the qualities I love about Mike. So, standing at my kitchen counter I turned over the manuscript and wrote on the back of it my new list. He’s sensitive, caring, and funny. I love his blue eyes and the fact that he’s 6'2". He always wants to protect me . . . even from myself. I wrote all over that paper why I love this man God has given me. By the end of my list, I was in tears asking God to forgive me for my petty complaints.
That list changed my marriage. My husband is the same man, but he has a wife with a different perspective. The “background music” went from annoying to comfortable.
God has taught me that you don’t really know how to love until you don’t feel in love, but you choose love anyway. He just may be using those annoying habits to teach you what love truly is. Love not only covers a multitude of sins, it also covers a multitude of irritations.
The Bible says, “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Well, it covers a multitude of annoying habits too.
Follow up podcast episodes from Juli:
Why you need to learn to loose arguments in your marriage
The second installment of the Fifty Shades trilogy just hit the big screen. We’ve had this conversation before - first about the book and then about the original movie. We’ve sounded the alarm about the dangers of pornography and other forms of counterfeit intimacy. (You can read a blog about Meeting Mr. Grey, listen to a podcast about the books, or read a blog on sexual junk food.)
There are plenty of bad things to say about the release of Fifty Shades Darker but, to be honest, I don’t have the stomach for it. Do you? My social media feed is filled with negativity, harsh words and bad news. Is yours? The last thing I want to do right now is flood the Authentic Intimacy community with yet another thing to be worried and argumentative about. So, I’ve been asking the Lord, “How can we talk about this movie in a positive light? Is there any good news?”
God has been reminding me of the Great Commission. These are the words Jesus said to His disciples right before He ascended into heaven, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:18-20).
When I think of this passage in light of our current cultural debates, I see three pieces of good news that I want to share with you.
The first piece of good news is something that we may overlook. We know God has authority in heaven, but sometimes we forget that He has ALL authority here on earth as well. I have needed to remember this truth in recent days. It brings me back to trusting God...To trusting that God is sovereign in the politics of our country and even in the sexual brokenness that is now celebrated in our world. None of it surprises Him or overwhelms Him.
How does this relate to Fifty Shades Darker? Sometimes it feels as if “darkness” is winning. My heart is burdened because I see before my eyes a culture that actively rejects God and a Christian culture that marginalizes His authority. But the good news is that nothing in heaven or on earth will ever dethrone Jesus as the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords.
It’s not my job to fix the world or even to fix one person. It’s my job to surrender my life to the love and to the work of our awesome God. It’s my job to be sure that I am His disciple and that my life is about sharing the Good news of Jesus. Every day and piece of bad news provides the chance to show God’s love. Jesus is King, sovereign with all authority both in heaven and here on earth.
The Fifty Shades of Grey is the fastest selling book in the history of publishing. In 2014, it reached the top ten selling books of ALL TIME. We have to take a step back and ask why? What is the draw? While there are many answers to this question, I believe a key component is that women are lonely, bored with life, disappointed by love and eager to experience romantic and sexual thrills. In other words, women are thirsty.
We all have a relational and spiritual thirst that lurks beneath our busyness and productivity. I believe 50 Shades taps into that thirst, but offers salt water instead of refreshment. The women we interact with don’t ultimately need to hear why 50 Shades Darker is dangerous. They need to know they are not alone and that there is a Jesus who offers living water. This is essentially what Jesus told us to do. Go out and make disciples.
This movie provides yet another opportunity for you to engage with women on a sensitive and personal topic that just might lead to God. Think of how Jesus offered the woman at the well (John 4) living water by talking about her sex life and her loneliness. If God gives you the chance to talk to someone about 50 Shades, remember that the ultimate goal isn’t to convince them that the movie is bad, but that God is good.
Oh, to know that Jesus is with me every minute. I know that in my head, but I live the majority of my day without remembering this promise. Christ is with me when I don’t know what to say to a struggling friend. He’s with me when people disagree with me. He’s with me giving me wisdom to speak His truth and demonstrate His love. He’s there when my heart aches at the pain and confusion around me. And He is with me when my own heart feels thirsty and unsatisfied. If I truly embraced this promise, how would it change me today?
If you have trusted Christ as your Savior, do you know that He is always with you? Do you depend upon Him as your Counselor, your Comforter, and your Wisdom? Do you know that you don’t have to do marriage, singleness, ministry or parenthood alone?
My friend, there is so much bad news that’s it easy to lose heart or simply to stop pursuing God’s truth. The gale-force winds of our culture are relentless and convincing. If you feel confused, discouraged, or weary, let the good news of Jesus’ words fill you heart with hope.
Over the next few weeks, the ministry of Authentic Intimacy will be addressing Fifty Shades Darker. We have recorded two podcasts on the topic, will have a live webinar, a few speaking events and our book Pulling Back the Shades. Our desire and goal is to declare the Good news in the midst of the conversation. Will you join us?
Register for our webinar with Dr. Juli Slattery & Hannah Nitz talking more about the good news.
Enter to win a copy of Pulling Back the Shades- we are giving away 50 copies this week!
Endless romance. Hot sex. Being best-best-best-best friends. These are just some of the idealistic hopes we pile onto marriage. There are good motivations behind each of these hopes, but let's just be real. It's probably not all going to happen.
Though it is a wonderful thing to be your husband's best friend, I actually don't think that is necessary for a great marriage. In fact, putting the expectations of best friends, steamy lovers, and perfect co-parents all in one relationship can end up hurting your marriage by making it seem subpar.
While being your husband's best friend may be unrealistic, being his friend is a critical aspect of a healthy marriage. Like most aspects of marriage, friendship doesn't just happen. You have to work at it. Think about the friends you had in college. As much as you may have loved and enjoyed them, you've probably lost touch over the years. Your lives have drifted apart. Even though you live under the same roof, this can happen in marriage too. You and your husband can forget to have fun, develop separate hobbies and passions, and lose the art of enjoying each other's company. You can slowly start to exist as roommates.
So how can you prevent the friendship-fade in marriage? Here are three tips for nurturing a friendship with your husband throughout the decades of marriage:
When it comes to friendship, men tend to like to do life together while women prefer to process life together. For you, building a friendship may mean weekly coffee dates where you share your thoughts and feelings with your husband. You connect by talking. Most likely, your husband isn't wired this way. He feels connected with you by doing life with you. Guys don't usually meet at Starbucks to share thoughts and feelings. They golf, bowl, or work on a project together.
While there may be times for a "talking date," make the effort to become your husband's friend by sharing in what he likes to do. Watching a movie, running on side-by-side treadmills at the gym, or going to Home Depot may not seem very romantic. But even if you aren't talking, this may be how your husband shares friendship with you. As you spend time doing life with your husband, times to talk become a natural part of shared activity. This morning, my husband and I did a 5 A.M. swim class together. Not exactly my cup of tea, but it made his day. As I was swimming my laps, I'd hear him yell across the pool, "I love you! You're doing great, Juli!" After our swim, we went out for coffee, which made my day. (Now if I can just stay awake!)
Managing a household and family together can get boring. Your discussions can revolve around the budget, disciplining the kids, the backed-up septic tank, and carpool schedules. I've been there! There have been seasons of marriage in which Mike and I simply forgot to be friends. Then we created our marriage bucket list.
Together, we came up with 100 things we wanted to do throughout our lifetime. Some of them were extravagant, like traveling to Rome and Paris. Others were immediately "doable," like going on an adventure race or leaving an exorbitant tip for someone who served us dinner. Some of our goals were also spiritually-focused, like service projects or meeting great men and women of the faith. Over the years we have completed almost half of the things we dreamed of doing together. And we are still adding new items to the list.
A big part of keeping friendship alive is dreaming together. Marriage only has as much passion as you put into it. Many marriages die because the relationship is viewed as a roadblock to dreams. Sure, your spouse may not share your exact interests, but any couple can find common ground if they really look for it.
That might sound like very strange advice coming from a psychologist! Don't get me wrong. Your feelings are important indicators of what is going on in your marriage. However, your feelings should always be viewed as "diagnostic" rather than "prescriptive." In other words, let your feelings inform you, but not direct you.
There will be seasons of marriage in which you just don't feel close to your husband. You don't want to go on a date, laugh together, or have fun. Do it anyway. Research overwhelming indicates that our feelings follow our actions, not the other way around. When you make the effort to have fun with your husband, your feelings will follow. You can choose to be friends with your husband—not based on feelings, but based on your priorities.
Picture where you and your husband might be in a few decades, in the winter of your marriage. Your kids will be grown and gone. The heat of sexual intimacy may have faded because of health. One or both of you will probably be retired from your formal occupation. What is left? How will you fill an empty house and hours of silence? Through friendship, the powerful bond that will keep you connected through each season of joy and grief. It's worth working toward now!
Yesterday, Mike and I were in downtown Denver to visit a friend in the Denver trauma hospital. On the way, we stopped by Whole Foods to get some snacks for our friends as they pass the long hours in the hospital.
“Why are the streets so busy on a Saturday morning?” we asked as we checked out.
“Oh, it’s the women’s march,.” the cashier answered.
Another cashier said, “It’s not against Trump, it’s for women.”
“No, it’s for all human rights,” chimed in the lady in line behind us.
Not long after that, I got this email from a Java with Juli listener:
I was hoping to see a podcast this week covering a discussion about the Women's March that is taking place today, January 21st.
I would love to hear your thoughts on it. It's not too late to talk about it if you do decide to do an episode on this topic! I consider myself a Jesus-loving, Pro-Life Feminist who wants to stand for what is true about not just us as women, but equality of each race, of the poor & wealthy, of the dignity of each being created in His image. But there is tension in joining the march when my beliefs do not embrace abortion or the LGBTQ as is generally being displayed. I want to, as a Christian, stand beside those that may not be, seeking change and truth. Where is our place as Christian women in what will continue to be a necessary conversation spurred on by such actions?
I don’t typically speak into questions like this one that have a political aspect to them because I don’t simply want to share my opinion on what’s happening in our country. There are enough opinions flying around in the news and on social media. Who needs one more? However, I was laying in bed praying this morning, and couldn’t get this woman’s question out of my head. I began asking the Lord, “What would you have done? What would you have told your disciples to do in this situation? What would you have us do?”
Although the marches are over, the question this woman is asking is still relevant. The next four years will likely be filled with debates, riots, marches, and division in our country. I would like to share three things based on the life of Jesus to consider as you interact with the political opinions, discussions and divisions of our time.
Unless you are a close friend or family member of mine, I sincerely hope you don’t know whether I lean toward democrat or republican, a liberal or conservative, a feminist or not. I don’t want to be known or identified with any label or group except for “Christ follower.” Why? Because every other label includes both things that honor God and offend Him.
Just as my conversation with the ladies at Whole Foods demonstrated, people participated in the marches yesterday for variety of reasons and causes. If you marched, who knew whether you were marching for abortion rights or in solidarity with minorities? What does it mean to be a Christian feminist or Christian republican? Can’t we just stop at Christian, and stand with Jesus?
Jesus lived in a time when most people accepted and chose labels. During his day, people were known as Pharisees, Sadducees, Zealots, and Herodians, just to name a few. The Jewish social structure of His day had more cliques than a suburban middle school. Certainly there were things that each group stood for that were righteous and God-honoring. I would guess that there were even marches and protests among these groups. Yet Jesus never indicated that He liked one group more than another. He and His disciples never accepted any label. Should we?
We see in the life of Jesus that He wasn’t afraid to interact with and at times offend everyone. He hung out with “sinners,” but spoke of hell, judgement and the need to turn from sin. He taught the religious leaders, but rebuked them for their hypocrisy and greed. He interacted with everyone, but didn’t belong to anyone.
Being part of a group or movement makes us feel accepted. We all want to belong to something and to link arms with people who have a common cause. Yet there is no group in this world that we can fully belong to without compromising our call to follow Jesus. Even Christian groups can fail to represent the heart of Christ in the truths they stand upon and how they articulate those truths.
Yes, you should be part of a church body and strive toward unity, honoring God with one voice (Romans 15:6.) But let’s not forget that the head of that body must be Jesus Christ. When a group veers from Christ’s truth and love, we must have the courage to speak out even if it means going against the grain of those we love. If your right-leaning Christian church speaks with tones of racism or hypocrisy, will you humbly correct them? If your left-leaning Christian group comprises biblical truth in the name of “love,” will you speak out? Do you have that kind of courage?
Certainly there were many injustices and social ills in Jesus’ day. He spoke to some of those, calling His followers to be full of mercy and to speak up for the oppressed. Yet Jesus did more than speak… He acted.
If you long for social justice, demonstrate your convictions by action. Find the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the orphans, and the single moms around you and show them the love of Jesus. If you “hunger and thirst for righteousness,” turn off Fox news and ask the Lord to cleanse your life of everything (including judgement and bitterness) that offends our holy God.
Above all, let’s be united as Christ-followers in prayer. Instead of an all-day march, what if we spent that time praying and fasting? Which action, marching or prayer, calls on the power of heaven to heal our wounds and bring revival?
To march or not to march isn’t the question we should be asking. We live in a time of hatred, division, and arrogance, all wearing patriotic and social justice labels. To embrace any of those labels, we miss the point of why Jesus has set us apart to do His Father’s will. Oh Lord, unite us as your people of every race and country, male and female, rich and poor, young and old. May we be united in our love for you and our desire to see you alone high and lifted up. May they know we are Christians because of the way we love one another.
Follow Up Resources from Juli:
Podcast: Should Women Lead?
Pornography has gotten a lot of attention in recent days and for good reason. A recent survey revealed that approximately 85% of men interact with pornographic material on a monthly basis. Early exposure and addiction to porn is rapidly increasing, with boys and girls getting hooked before adolescence.
We are learning more about the negative impact of pornography on people’s sexual and emotional health and relationships. We know that porn kills intimacy, but we are now learning that pornography is sabotaging relationships before they even begin. Whether or not you’ve ever used porn, it is impacting you. Why? Because the wide use and acceptance of pornography has changed sexual norms and expectations in our culture.
Whether you are married or single, it’s important for you to understand how pornography has impacted the way you and those around you think about sex.
I’ve been studying the research of sociologists Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker in their fascinating book Premarital Sex in America. They explain that sexuality doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but romantic relationships are impacted by the attitudes and beliefs of the culture.
Regnerus and Uecker observe that women have always set the “price” for their sexuality. When a man’s sexual desire drives him to a woman, she gets to determine what she requires for her sexuality. She is the sexual gatekeeper. According to God’s design and many past cultural norms, the “price” for a woman’s sexuality has been for a man to make a lifetime commitment to love and provide for her.
Pornography has given men a sexual outlet that requires nothing from them. Regnerus and Uecker write, “the ubiquity and perceived quality of digital porn has the capacity to sexually satiate more men -- and more often -- than ever before…. If the porn-and-masturbation satisfies some of the male demand for intercourse --- and it clearly does -- it reduces the value of real intercourse” (p99).
In other words, men are less willing to sacrifice and commit to a woman for access to her body. Because the value of sex in our culture has decreased, women (and girls) feel like they cannot demand commitment for sex. They are more willing to give sex for a couple of dates or even for a few hours of attention. Hence, the hookup culture and the increasing trend to live together instead of getting married.
While a woman might enjoy non-committed sex in the moment, the long-term impact of many sexual partners will likely impact her for years to come. God designed a woman to bond with a man through sexual intimacy. When a woman is involved sexually outside of marriage, she is likely to experience guilt, regret, temporary self-loathing, rumination, diminished self-esteem, a sense of having let yourself down, discomfort about having to lie or conceal sex from family, anxiety over depth and course of the relationship and concern over the place of sex in the relationship (p137). Having sex outside of a committed relationship or with multiple partners over a lifetime is associated with poor emotional health in women. Regnerus and Uecker write, “Even getting married doesn’t erase the emotional challenges for women who have had numerous sexual partners in their lifetime” (p149). When men use porn, women are set up for loneliness, regret and the pressure to compromise their spiritual and emotional health.
Even within marriage, we can see the impact of a culture that has embraced porn and sex with no attachments. One of most common questions I get asked about sexuality addresses young marriages in which men are not interested in sex. I hear from an increasing number of young wives who are devastated to be asking for sex, wondering why he isn’t initiating. While there are many possible reasons for this trend, without a doubt the greatest culprit is porn.
When young men have grown up looking at pornogrphy and sastifying their desires through masturbation, they learn to view sex as a consumer. I should get what I want, when and how I want it. Sex is about obtaining pleasure, excitement and a release for personal benefit. Porn doesn’t demand anything from a person, but exists to immediately cater to every sexual fantasy. Porn trains a person’s sexual response to be impatient, selfish, and always demanding something more exciting than what you experienced last time.
Transfer those beliefs to a sexual relationship in marriage and you have a train wreck. Having sex with a real person who has feelings and her own sexual needs means you have to be patient, understanding and unselfish. Most sex within marriage will be “normal” (no toys, strange positions, role playing, and bizarre fantasies) and will not cater to an appetite for something more. It will take years and hard work to build true intimacy as you explore the gift of sexuality together. Instead of working toward this magnificent goal, the man (or woman) involved with porn will probably go back to a sexual release that demands nothing.
While porn may appear to demand nothing, it eventually steals everything. We were not created for a series of extreme sexual experiences. We are designed for authentic intimacy, celebrated and expressed through sex with a real person who is committed to loving you for a lifetime. I have never met a man or woman who is truly satisfied with porn. Porn use may be “normal” but that by no means suggests it is healthy.
While this blog post isn’t exactly uplifting, I hope and pray that it challenges you to confront the acceptance of porn in your life, in your marriage and in our culture. Using pornography (including erotic books and movies) is not just a personal choice. It is a decision that impacts the people and even the culture around us.
At Authentic Intimacy, our desire is to equip you to confront counterfeit intimacy for the purpose of building the real deal. As we roll into February, you will probably hear about the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie. This may be a great opportunity for you to share with friends and loved ones why our personal decisions have an impact on those we care about. As we celebrate romantic love on valentine’s day, we also need to be willing to confront those things that sabotage God’s good design for love, sexuality and intimacy.
Follow Up Resources from Juli:
Podcast #97: 12 Secrets of a Hot Mama