Prefer to listen? Listen to the episode here.
Some wounds don’t just live in your memories… they live in your body, in your relationships, and in your sense of safety.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Can I be whole after sexual trauma?,” you’re not alone—and you’re not beyond healing.
That’s the question Juli is tackling this week. You’ll hear why sexual trauma uniquely affects identity and intimacy, how shame and self-blame keep us stuck, and what real sexual wholeness looks like.
This conversation is for anyone who has experienced sexual trauma (or loves someone who has) and is wondering: Is healing really possible for me?
Juli (00:00.11)
Hey guys, before you jump into Java with Juli, I wanted to tell you about a webinar that’s coming up on April 23rd. If you are a pastor, a lay leader, or a caregiver of someone who has survived sexual trauma, this opportunity is specifically for you. You’re going to hear practical trauma-informed insight and wisdom that you can use immediately to help you feel equipped when someone shares their story of pain with you.
This webinar is free for AI members or you can join for just $10. To register, look for the link in our show notes. All right, let’s head to the coffee shop for this week’s conversation.
Juli
Hey, friend, welcome to another episode of Java with Juli. I am Juli Slattery and this podcast is a production of Authentic Intimacy, which is a ministry dedicated to helping you make sense of God and sexuality.
Today I’m actually in my basement recording this Java with Juli in comfy clothes and my life is good hat.
Hannah (00:59.758)
You look pretty cute in that pink hat, Juli. You look very cute in the pink hat.
Juli (01:01.626)
Thank you. I’m very comfortable. It’s Monday morning as we record.
Hannah
Yeah.
Juli
Lots of Java.
Hannah (01:08.395)
Lots of Java, lots of Juli.
Juli
Yeah. And people probably recognize that voice of Hanna Nitz. Thanks for joining me, Hanna.
Hannah (01:14.744)
Okay, so happy to be here. And Juli, I feel like at the beginning of these episodes, we usually are either giggling about something or just go straight to something pretty deep. Today sounds like a little bit more of a deep day.
Juli (01:27.512)
Today is a deep day. We’re going to talk about a pretty heavy topic that impacts a lot of people.
Hannah (01:33.708)
Yeah, so we are answering a really important question that is so common here at the Ministry of Authentic Intimacy. Can I ever be sexually whole after trauma? And this is one of the questions that you addressed, Juli, in your new updated edition of your book, 25 Questions You’re Afraid to Ask About Love, Sex, and Intimacy, which is coming out in June. We’re really looking forward to that release. But this is a question that you’ve heard time after time, year after year at events, in email, all types from men and women.
Juli (02:05.474)
Yeah, you know what immediately comes to my mind, Hannah, is I think you have shared this story on Java with Juli before, but way back in the day when you went to your first event with me in Chicago. You know what, story I’m…?
Hannah (02:20.782)
Yeah, and that story brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. Yeah, I was working as a social worker at the time and I was working with lot of low income families and that was just what I was so passionate about. And when Juli was talking to me about being interested in working more with Authentic Intimacy, I just kind of thought, I’m not really interested in this like cushy middle class life, like trying to make their life more Christian and more comfortable.
Juli
Mhmmm, you did say that.
Hannah
That was really how I felt. you said, why don’t you just come to an event with me? So we went to Chicago and we were at the wealthiest, prettiest church. And it was this Friday night event and all these women are coming with their cute purses and their heels and their lipstick. And I just remember thinking, this is exactly what I was saying, Juli. These are not women that I am excited to give my life to help. Let me show you some of the backgrounds of my clients. And when we got to the Q&A portion of this event, I was in charge of going up and down the aisles and picking up note cards that these women had written of their questions that they wanted Juli to answer as she was up on stage. And it was just a more like, I don’t know, the teaching was just on making sense of God and sex. And I just wasn’t prepared for these questions, really. Every question I picked up from these women, I mean, I still remember the very first one I picked up, I read it and it said, was sexually abused by my brother growing up. I don’t even know how to begin having these conversations. And card after card, I mean, there were so many questions about abuse they had endured and trauma and addictions and pornography. And I remember so clearly the Lord’s voice in my heart saying, pain can be pretty too. And I just didn’t know. I really didn’t.
And that story, I think, really was such an introduction to Authentic Intimacy of really seeing men and women from all backgrounds, from all economic classes, from all stories and all walks of life. There is such a similar pain around some of these areas around sexuality, around trauma, and these deep pieces that are so difficult and painful.
Juli (04:39.02)
Yeah, thank you for sharing that story. And I feel like that gets repeated for me everywhere I go. So I’ve just gotten used to the fact that every room that I step into has this tremendous pain represented around trauma and abuse and addictions and betrayal. And this is not just a lighthearted fun topic. And it can be, I mean, there’s portions of this conversation that can be playful and fun in marriage, but underneath it, we have to realize that probably for the majority of people, particularly women, sexuality is a really painful topic because it represents something that’s happened to them in the past that they can’t make sense of.
Hannah (05:26.73)
Yeah. So, according to a CDC report, Juli, we’ve read and seen that over half of women and nearly one-third of men have experienced some kind of sexual violence involving physical contact. Which, when you think about those statistics, know, half of women and one-third of men, you understand why this is one of your most asked questions. Yeah. Because for so many people, this is an experience that is heavy in their hearts, in their soul, in their body as they’re talking about sexuality. So if you’re at an event, Juli, or you’re sitting down with someone over coffee, how does this question sound? Like, what do you hear people asking the most around this?
Juli (06:11.79)
That’s a good question because it doesn’t always just sound like, I be sexually whole after trauma? Interestingly enough, that particular form of the question, I get asked most by single people because they know they have experienced trauma, they’re afraid of getting married, they’re afraid of how this might come out for them in marriage. So usually if somebody’s already married, the question might sound different. It might sound like we talked a few weeks ago about people that just avoid or hate sex for one reason or another. And so it can be like that. can be like, often sexual trauma can get channeled into compulsive sexual behavior. So why can’t I stop looking at porn? It can be, I can’t have sex without the lights out. I can’t enjoy it. I can enjoy the freedom of it. Or a form of dissociation or numbing where I know how to give my body, but I don’t know how to be physically and emotionally present. And then also it can look like fear for our children. So a lot of times we’ll pursue healing because we’re afraid for our children. I don’t want my daughter to experience what I did, or I don’t want my son to experience what I did. So people won’t necessarily ask this question for themselves, but they’ll ask this question because they don’t want the people they love to experience it.
Hannah (07:42.56)
So what is it, Juli, about sexual trauma that impacts someone differently from other kinds of trauma?
Juli (07:50.166)
Yeah, it’s sort of a mystery to try to explain exactly. You can’t really explain it 100 percent, but I would just say that to start with, like, there’s a difference between being physically assaulted and sexually assaulted. Like, even when I say that, like, you feel the difference. Our legal system generally recognizes the difference. Like, if you go up and you just punch someone, yeah, there are going to be legal consequences.
But if you go up and rape someone, it’s a more serious crime. You’re stealing something that is so key to a person’s sense of who they are, their identity, their sense of being known and feeling safe, that the damage is just deeper. It’s not just a bruise that heals. So again, it’s really hard to describe what the difference is, but we know it intuitively.
Hannah (08:46.83)
Juli, I know that in the episode a few weeks ago, we brought up the word shame and how much this word plays into people’s sexuality, and if they’re married, their sexual relationships. And I know as we’re talking about sexual trauma, shame is a really big emotion for people who have been through sexual trauma. And I can even think of friends or stories that I’ve heard where survivors carry so much responsibility for something that wasn’t their fault when they talk about. Is that something you’d say you see often?
Juli (09:22.19)
I would say almost without exception. again, this is one of those lies that a lot of times a survivor won’t even know they believe. They just carry it around. Often that’s because this isn’t always the case, but often when there’s sexual trauma or abuse, you’ve been groomed in a relationship. And so what I mean by that is the person who abused you attracted you as something with kindness, with attention, with affection. Most people were abused by somebody they know or they knew. And so there’s a relationship there. And somebody who is an abuser knows how to draw you in. So you often hear stories about, know, like, but I liked being with that uncle, like, he was always so kind to me and said such nice things to me, like, my desires to betrayed me because that’s what led me into being abused. Or it can be maybe if you were date raped, it’s why did I go to his apartment? You know, like I knew I shouldn’t have, maybe it was because of what I was wearing. Maybe it was because I had a couple of drinks. And so there’s always this seed of doubt of I put myself in that situation in one way or another. There’s a part of me that wanted something.
And in wanting something, I moved towards somebody that ended up hurting me. And so there’s this complicated kind of wrestling of my desire led me to a bad place, if that makes sense.
Hannah (11:01.144)
So when you hear someone who’s starting to kind of go down that trail, do you have a word or something to share with them to stop that peace or that thinking and say, no?
Juli (11:14.958)
You know, I think first of all, you let the person say it out loud. I remember way back. Wow, this is maybe when I was first doing like practicums, I didn’t even have my degree yet. I was in school. I remember meeting with a woman who was raped. And this stranger came into her house, broke into her house and assaulted her sexually. And her big thing was her body responded sexually and she just could never get over the fact that she had a sexual response, which a lot of people feel that way. Whether it was something that happened to you when you’re older or younger, your body is wired to respond and to stimulation. A lot of men will struggle with that if they were assaulted by another man. Like there’s something about it that I must have enjoyed because my body responded there’s something wrong with me.
So I think, Hannah, first and foremost, you don’t want to just stop them. You want them to have a safe place to speak that lie out loud, because often they’ve never had a safe place to do that. And ask questions about what makes you feel responsible. It might be that they feel responsible because they never told anyone. You know, like I didn’t, I should have told my parents it would have stopped if I told my parents, but I didn’t. And so you want to spend time just letting the person say that stuff out loud because that’s the first thing is bringing it into the light.
Juli
And then I think you want to do some reality checking with them and not just say, it wasn’t your fault. You want to say it’s not your fault, but depending on the situation, like that one I met with so many years ago, are you the person who let him in? Are you the person who said, yes, you can do this to me? You know, like you have no responsibility in this. You were victimized. And so, you know, it’s maybe a four or five year old who was assaulted by somebody eight years older. You know, let’s look at what a four or five year old looks like. Does that child have the capacity to understand what’s happening? And so just, again, some of that reality checking with them. And you probably need to do that again and again and again until they really internalize the fact that this is not my fault and this is a lie from the enemy that’s keeping me stuck.
Hannah (13:44.71)
So Juli, think even as you’re talking about this with some of these men and women who have walked through such trauma, not only is it the memory and the experience of it, but there’s such an effect on their brain, such an effect on their nervous system. Can you just talk to us a little bit more about that? Like how even smells or touch or things in a safe relationship can really become something that feels so scary to this individual?
Juli (14:11.896)
We’ve learned a lot about the impact of trauma in general, which applies to sexual trauma. A lot of people will be familiar with a book called The Body Keeps the Score. There’s been other iterations of that book that have been written, one called Try Softer, which is a really good book. But essentially, what we’ve learned is that traumatic memories are stored differently than normal things we experience. And one of the best ways I know to kind of describe this in a way that connects with people is it’s almost like if your memory and the way you process things is sort of like a funnel and things just go through the funnel and you remember the things that you need to remember and other things just kind of you don’t remember. When you have trauma because of the cortisol and other things that are happening in your brain, it gets stuck in the funnel.
Okay, so that memory is not going to get processed like a normal memory. Instead, it’s going to get processed more in like the survival areas of your brain instead of being processed by your prefrontal cortex and making sense of it. And what we know about traumatic memories is they don’t get processed like a movie that’s telling a story. They get processed and stored more as like snapshots that aren’t connected to anything. And they get processed in sensations, which is why somebody who is abused at the age of one or two before they even had language to put to it can still have memories of a sight or smell or a feel. And so those memories become activated when you have a similar sight or smell or feel. So Hannah, for a lot of people, they may not even really connect the fact that they’ve experienced sexual trauma until later in life when they have a similar experience that activates that memory. And again, it’s not going to be, yeah, I remember first this happened and then this happened. It’s going to be like, man, just like I have this vivid image or that smell always makes me feel uneasy or disgusted. And so, they may even think they’re going crazy or they might think, I must be just imagining this. But that’s very common, not just with sexual trauma, but with people who have been through war and combat or people who have experienced a traumatic car accident. That’s kind of what we understand in terms of what happens to the brain and how those memories get stored in the body.
Hannah (16:58.622)
So for someone who’s going through that experience, Juli, where they’re feeling triggered, like their body is reacting before their brain really has time to catch up, is that why someone can feel almost confused by their own reaction in those situations?
Juli (17:15.82)
Yeah, they can feel confused or even betrayed by their body. So let’s say, for example, your spouse comes up behind you and is playful and like gives you a big hug, and that activates a sense of fear and you immediately, don’t know why you feel afraid, but you react with, don’t touch me, get away from me. You know, and your spouse is like, what did I do? Now you’re in a fight and you have no idea like how it even started. You love your spouse.
Hannah (17:42.337)
Yeah, yeah.
Juli (17:42.766)
But your body, your brain’s reacting to something that feels very out of control. And you likely never get back to what was it that started that? You just know, I’m just jumpy today. So that’s a very simple example, but until you really start to put those pieces together, you can be sabotaging relationships, you can be avoiding sex, you can be like really hypervigilant, and live your life that way out of fear without even knowing why you’re doing that.
Hannah (18:16.888)
Juli, there’s a quote I’ve heard you say before. I know you’ve talked a lot about books by Dr. Dan Allender because he is just one of the most renowned experts on healing from sexual trauma and also a great person here on Java with Juli. He said, have never worked with an abused man or woman who did not hate or mistrust their hunger for intimacy. So obviously so much of that, Juli, connects with even your ministry and what the work of Authentic Intimacy has done for so many years.
What is that hunger for intimacy? Could you just like help us understand that quote a little bit more, maybe with some more of a real life look to it?
Juli (18:56.79)
Yeah, absolutely. That is a very powerful quote. I said a few minutes ago, I was trying to describe the process of being groomed. And we all are wired to move towards people, like to want to be known, to want to be able to trust, to want to be seen and loved. And it’s at some level, and in most situations where abuse happens, it’s the moving towards someone that got us hurt and led to violation. So even in the situation of a date rape, why did you go on a date in the first place? Because you were looking for connection, you were looking for marriage, you’re looking for intimacy, but it’s the movement towards somebody and trusting them that led to the violation. So now you’ve got this complex relationship with your longing of, well, I want to be married, I want to be in a dating relationship, but last time I tried to do that, it led to tragedy. So I don’t even ever want to do that again. Or take the example of abuse in childhood. Let’s say something happened, you’re abused by a brother. You know, there’s a healthy longing for a relationship with your brother. You want to love your brother, you want to feel safe, you want to share with your brother. You want to be safe in your home. You want to be playful. But now all those things that are normal desires have this shade of, this is what led me to being violated, to being in the same space with him. Like even being home and wanting to feel loved and connected isn’t safe anymore. And so that’s what Dan is talking about is that sexual abuse, particularly, because it involves our longing for connection, and the violation of that makes you distrust the part of you that wants to move even towards your spouse.
Hannah (21:04.95)
And it’s so powerful, I think even as Dr. Allender is describing it, that he says, I’ve never worked with someone who’s under abuse, who doesn’t really mistrust that part of them now. Because yeah, just what you’re describing, the connection there feels so strong that it’s like, I don’t even want to desire intimacy anymore.
Juli (21:26.306)
Right, it’s not safe. And so, you know, there’s a lot of different ways that this will play out. You sometimes I’ll talk to a woman, let’s say she’s in her 30s, and she just says, I’m never going to get married. And she doesn’t try to work on her appearance at all. And there’s nothing wrong with her saying, I never want to get married. But I always want to say, tell me more about that. You know, is that, is that out of feeling that you’re really content and called to be single or is that because you’re afraid of what marriage represents.
And I would say nine times out of ten. It’s the latter It’s when I really sit and I talk to someone they’ve had some experience where their body isn’t safe, sex isn’t safe, men aren’t safe and they just have decided I’d rather be safe than take the risk of intimacy. And then there are married couples who have really settled for kind of a negotiated physical exchange rather than a journey of intimacy because maybe they’ve figured out how to have sex in a way that feels safe, but not sharing, not building intimacy together. And so there’s all kinds of ways that something that might’ve happened decades ago is still robbing you of the fullness of what God created you for.
Hannah (22:54.702)
And Juli, I know when individuals even come with some of these questions to you or some of these barriers that’s keeping them from this deeper intimacy, it’s really common for men or women to say either, I’ve never talked about this before, or man, this happened and I didn’t talk about it for 10 years. There’s this secrecy or the part where this hasn’t even been processed or touched for a long time. Why is that something so common in this type of story?
Juli (23:27.052)
Yeah, I would say it’s either one of those or I’ve also seen people that will mention it very flippantly.
Hannah (23:33.314)
Okay. They’re just trying to like keep it light.
Juli (23:35.51)
I think especially since the Me Too movement where it’s become more common to acknowledge trauma, it’s like, yeah, something happened to me when I was young or, you know, like I was raped once, you know, it’s really almost odd because they’ll mention it like they said, like they were saying, I grew up in California.
Hannah (23:55.125)
Not in a tone that matches the reality.
Juli
No, so I think that can be the case too where we acknowledge but minimize it. And Hannah, I think this is for a reason, because that’s what keeps us safe as survivors. know, it’s like, this is so heavy. And when you open that door to really settling into what happened to you, there’s so many layers to it that for a lot of people, the way they survived it was not to dive into it. It was like, I’m just going to put this in this box over here and I can go through life pretty fine without ever visiting that box. And it’s not until either the memories start to leak out of that box or you start to realize how compromised your relationships are where it’s like, yeah, maybe it’s time.
And I definitely think that in God’s providence, you know, He gave us protective measures so that we’re not overcome with trauma that we’re not ready to deal with. But He also invites us in time that we need to go visit that trauma. sometimes it’s not the right time. You might be married to someone, you’re like, yeah, they need to visit their trauma. That’s their decision of when.
Hannah
Not yours, unfortunately.
Juli
Yeah. And visiting it too soon or diving into it too intensely can be devastating. And so you really want to give that individual the freedom to work through when is the time to start opening that door.
Hannah (25:32.93)
So let’s say Juli that I’m the person that you’re talking about a little bit here and I’m kind of saying, but Juli, like, I don’t want to talk about what happened. I don’t want to remember it. I would just like to walk towards the healing, but I don’t want to open it.
Juli (25:49.334)
Yeah, literally it’s impossible to walk to healing without opening it. You know, it just, I wish it wasn’t that way.
Hannah (25:59.074)
You don’t have a little secret shortcut for us.
Juli (26:01.624)
There’s no secret shortcut. I mean, it’s like, again, we talked about how these memories get processed differently, and it’s just still there. It is still in a core part of your brain and your wiring. And until you go and address it, it comes out at times and places you don’t want it to, whether that be flashback or again, sabotaging relationships or avoiding intimacy or being fearful or being over controlling or reacting through an addiction that’s numbing the anxiety. It is impacting your life. And so until we bring it out in the open and really deal with it, we’re not going to get mastery over it.
Hannah (26:48.056)
So let’s say that that’s, again, that’s me and I’m sitting here and I’m saying, okay, so I guess I have to open this box. I’ve never been to counseling before. Like, could you help us understand, like, what is that process? Like to say a sentence like processing trauma, that sounds so intense, but also kind of vague. I mean, what does that even look like for the average person who’s listening of what would that be?
Juli (27:12.674)
Yeah, so, you know, one of the things that I think is really key, I often will ask, well, what did people do before they were licensed trauma therapists?
Hannah (27:21.304)
This is a great question. I think this all the time.
Juli (27:23.798)
You know, because this is really, particularly when you talk about trauma therapists, this really a newer field. And there are people all over the world that don’t have access to trauma therapists. But God has always created ways for us to deal with the pain in our life. And so I think it’s very interesting even to look back into biblical history and Hebrew culture and the ways that were embedded in culture that helped them process trauma.
And when you read the Old Testament or the New Testament, you see there’s lots of trauma there. There’s assault, there is violence, are wars and devastation and losses. And what do we see in the Old Testament culture? We see some of the same things that people do in therapy, which is they tell the story. You know, they say it out loud. They even sang it back then. They would chant it, you know, in rhythmic ways of really helping their left hemisphere and their right hemisphere make sense of what they experienced and what happened.
Juli
And so if you were to go to see a trauma therapist, that’s a lot of what they would do is provide a safe venue for you where you could begin to tell some of the pieces of what you’ve experienced, including maybe the sensations that are connected with that, like we talked about sight and sound and touch, like really connecting, what do I feel like when I get triggered? Where’s that coming from? They might use some techniques, like one of them is very common, which helps eye movement. It’s EMDR. People might be familiar with that. It’s just a way to get your brain to process things that have happened to you.
There’s nothing magical about it. Like I said, if we look back at Hebrew traditions and ancient traditions, people sat and they mourned and they lamented and they named their feelings. And they made songs and poems about what they went through, and what they endured, and the fact that God was with them through it. And that’s a very similar thing to what you would want to do in terms of processing trauma today.
Hannah (29:40.662)
For some reason that is a mind-blowing thought to me, Juli, that the process of this healing is like a tale as old as time. For some reason it does feel like, this is something newer in the last 50 years that we’ve gotten smart enough to figure out. But there’s something so comforting about what you’re describing. This is always.
Juli (30:01.824)
Yeah, and we’ve lost some of those. People would sit and fast and mourn and grieve. Then you go back even like, let me just take fasting, for example. There’s all this research on fasting now, how good it is for you mentally and physically. That was always there in the Bible. So I feel like our science is just catching up with some of the rhythms that we see God ordain for us throughout scripture.
Hannah (30:32.418)
Hmm. Man, that’s a profound thought that I haven’t had before. It’s just like there’s such beauty in the goodness of God wanting this wholeness and this beauty of shalom from the beginning of time for His people. And it maybe has looked different time for time, but like the central message and truth is the same. Literally the beginning. Just now we have a nice air-conditioned fancy counseling office we can do it in.
Juli (31:01.358)
There you go.
Hannah (31:02.348)
instead of sitting on rocks.
Juli
Yeah, and I don’t know that that’s necessarily better.
Hannah (31:08.32)
Okay, I like that.
Juli
You know, it’s… okay. You know, it’s what we have today, but boy, how powerful would it be to have that community that would agree with you and just be there and be present with you and listen. You know, we see that in Job. You know, his friends came. They were able to sit with him for seven days before they started trying to fix him. But, it was healing when they just sat with him and they let him lament and talk about and grieve what he had gone through. So I think the more we can even create community like that, not to say that counseling isn’t beneficial and good, but there are other rhythms that God has created to help us work through some of that.
Hannah (31:49.88)
Man, I really love that answer, Juli. I really got to think about that one a lot. Okay, so let’s take this conversation that we’re having, Juli, of someone saying, man, can I be sexually whole after trauma? You mentioned that sometimes that question looks different if someone is single or married. So I want to just focus a little bit more to men and women who are married who are asking that question. So if I am married to someone who has survived sexual trauma, could you talk a little bit more to that person who’s listening of what are some things that I need to hear or understand that I might not quite grasp yet? Maybe as far as the healing or just what that person that I love so deeply has endured.
Juli (32:35.45)
Yeah, hopefully this kind of conversation is helping you maybe slow down and recognize the impact that that trauma might have. I think a few things. Number one, it is a long road and it’s not a road that feels like it’s always just progressing to the right. Like people who have experienced trauma will often feel like their healing is cyclical. Like they start to experience freedom and peace and then they go back to where they feel like, where I was before.
Hannah (33:10.786)
Not just this 10-step progression and everyone is easier and free.
Juli (33:14.474)
No, it’s like a spiral, but you’re spiraling to health. So a spiral is going to feel like it’s covering ground where you’ve already been, but you’re not in the same space. That’s something important to recognize is don’t rush the process. Don’t be like, wow, we’re back having the same conversation we had five years ago. Your therapist hasn’t helped you with that?
Hannah (33:36.526)
I thought you already figured this out.
Juli (33:41.944)
I mean, they are making progress and they need to hear that. But sometimes progress doesn’t feel like progress. Sometimes somebody who’s going through this healing will actually look like they’re getting worse before they get better. Because you’re opening up a wound and when you open up that wound, everything becomes more vulnerable.
Hannah
It hurts.
Juli
The other thing I would say that is really important when it comes to sex is making sure that your spouse feels like they have what I would call agency. That they have the full freedom to say yes or no, they’re never feeling coerced or manipulated into sex. Or even the example I used way early in our conversation of somebody just coming up and hugging their spouse from behind. Like be sensitive of is it like, does that bother you when I do that? Would you rather me let you know I’m here before I touch you, or even ask permission? Like, are you ready for me to touch you here? Is it okay if I hold you here? Do you feel ready?
So those kinds of comments that would keep reminding your spouse that, I’m not taking your body. I’m not coercing you or manipulating you or making you feel bad if you don’t want to do something. I just love you. And I want to make sure you feel safe and you always feel like you can use your voice. That’s just really key in rebuilding intimacy.
Hannah (35:08.056)
So then I feel like I need to get to the heart of the question here. If we’re opening the show and talking about, it possible to be sexually whole after trauma? So Dr. Slattery, I mean, you we’ve talked about a lot of pieces, a lot of the difficulty of it, a lot of the realities of it, a lot of the triggers around it. But if we kind of zooming out, like have you watched people experience freedom in this area? Or like, could you even tell us, like, what does sexual healing…what is the goal? Like, is this a reality for people?
Juli (35:47.374)
Yeah, I I think it’s some ways it’s sort of a trick question
Hannah (35:50.862)
I’m not trying to trick you.
Juli
Because when you say, I mean, I wrote the question, but can I be sexually whole after trauma? You know, if you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, you know, I’ve often said we are all sexually broken. And so I think it first starts with dispelling the notion of what we might think wholeness is. It doesn’t mean, oh, everything’s perfect and I never struggle. And even if you haven’t had trauma, you have sexual brokenness. And so it’s sort of resetting that expectation. But you use other words like freedom or safety, being able to enjoy sex, being able to work towards intimacy. Like those are the kinds of goals that you want to have and that you can achieve. And I think it’s key also to understand that when you’ve experienced trauma, the goal is to have a scar and not a scab.
Hannah (36:45.324)
Man, that’s deep. That’s good.
Juli (36:48.289)
You know, a scab is, it’s always sort of there and if you scratch it off, you’re going to start bleeding again and it’s painful.
Hannah
Man, yes.
Juli
But a scar, it’s like it’s a reminder that happened and it might be a little sensitive, but it’s not going to hurt to touch it. And so you will have scars. But those scars can also talk about your resilience and the healing journey you’ve been on and the way God has met you in it.
Hannah (36:55.563)
Yeah
Juli (37:14.838)
And so, a scar doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. It can be a reminder of what you’ve come through.
Hannah (37:19.886)
Well, Juli, I just really love the way that you helped us talk through this topic. I feel like you have a way of bringing the truth, the reality, you know, honoring those pieces of it, so much love, so much compassion, and one of your favorite words is hope. And man, I think that’s such an important message. I hope for anyone listening, whether this is an experience that you’ve gone through or someone you love have, like to hear the hope in those words, you know?
Juli (37:50.316)
Yeah. Well, you know, we serve a Savior who, His name is Hope. You He’s the God of hope. And we are promised in the scripture that He’s close to the brokenhearted. He has all the scars. You know, He endured the greatest shame, and He is the High Priest that understands. And so, my hope is, people wrap up listening to this conversation, is that you look at this as an opportunity to pursue God not just to pursue healing for the sake of healing, but to really know that God who is our healer and who is our hope.
Hannah (38:27.502)
Amen. Man, Juli, that makes me think of the verse in Isaiah 61 that was such an important verse for Authentic Intimacy and is this beautiful prophetic picture of who Jesus is to come and the gift of Messiah that says he comes to bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free. I mean, those words are powerful of this picture of who Jesus is and what his heart is for the brokenhearted, not just that he sits with the brokenhearted, which is true. But his drawing force of binding up the brokenhearted, setting captives free, that is who he is. That is the name and heart and passion of Messiah. It’s beautiful.
Juli (39:12.554)
It is. It is what he does.
Hannah (39:14.776)
Yeah. So friends, we thank you so much for listening and hope that wherever you are on that healing journey that you feel encouraged to keep going. And Juli, you and Linda actually wrote a book called Surprised by the Healer that I keep thinking of during this conversation. It’s another great resource of stories of women who have gone through from trauma to healing in these beautiful stories of God meeting them.
And of course you could pre-order a copy of 25 Questions You’re Afraid to Ask About Love, Sex, and Intimacy. Man, can’t wait for that book to come out in June. And Juli, we also talked a lot about counseling today. So we’ll have a link in some places where you can find a licensed Christian counselor in your area or online to get started on opening that box.
Juli (40:01.358)
And I also mentioned a few resources that we’ll make sure to link to as well. The book, Try Softer, Dan Allender’s classic book, The Wounded Heart, just some great resources out there. So my encouragement to you is if this episode has touched a place in your heart where you realize that you need to pursue healing, maybe at a deeper level than you have, that you’ll follow up with one of these resources and continue to take your steps on really towards making sense of God and sexuality. But Hannah, thanks for joining me for this very sensitive and tender conversation. And I look forward to joining you all next time for more Java with Juli.