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Many married couples carry a secret: one of them doesn’t like sex—they may even dread it. For years, sex has felt more like obligation than pleasure, and they’ve quietly believed something must be wrong with them.
This week, we’re tackling the unspoken question: “What if I’m married and I don’t like sex?”
We’ll talk about the real reasons sex can feel difficult or even painful, and call out a few common lies that keep couples stuck.
If you’ve ever felt confused, disappointed, or alone in your struggles with sex, this conversation offers hope, practical insight, and the reminder you don’t have to stay stuck where you are.
Juli (00:02.348)
Welcome to Java with Juli. I am your host, Juli Slattery, and this podcast is an outreach of Authentic Intimacy, which is a ministry dedicated to helping you make sense of God and sexuality. And that is what we’re going to be doing today. Hannah Nitz is here with me. So hi, Hannah. Welcome back.
Hannah (00:20.526)
Hey Juli. So glad to be here. For some reason, you just keep calling me a lot of times in 2026 to be on. So, I just keep showing up.
Juli (00:27.608)
Yeah, by popular demand.
Hannah
This is my year, baby.
Juli
There you go.
Hannah
And actually, speaking of what’s happening this year, Juli, I don’t even know if you read ahead to see this in your notes for today, but this is the 600th episode of Java with Juli.
Juli (00:42.801)
Oh my goodness, that is a lot. That’s a lot.
Hannah (00:45.558)
Yeah, that is a lot of hours of Java with Juli, talking about sex on the microphone.
Juli (00:51.618)
I wonder how many of our listeners actually were with us in the beginning.
Hannah (00:55.958)
I know, way back in the day.
Juli (00:57.919)
It was like 13 years ago when we started this. Thank you.
Hannah (01:00.494)
I know, so happy 600! How would we like to celebrate?
Juli (01:05.089)
By doing another episode with you.
Hannah (01:06.99)
Okay great. Well then here we are.
Juli (01:10.996)
I think by taking a nap, Hannah.
Hannah
I would love that. After this, we’ll take a nap. But not before we get to work because we are so excited that not only do you have 600 episodes of Java with Juli, but you have a new book coming out in June. It’s actually a revised version of a book you already wrote. So I don’t know, are we allowed to call it a new book?
Juli (01:28.222)
Nah, I don’t know
Hannah (01:29.998)
It’s a really semi-new book. 25 questions you’re afraid to ask about love, sex, and intimacy. So our job between now and then is we’re going to be asking, you’re going to be answering a lot of these questions, Juli, some of the most common questions people ask, kind of like a FAQ situation, if you will. So today’s question, drum roll please, one of the most popular questions you get asked time and time and time and time again. She’s been asked this on boats, on cruises, on land, by sea.
Juli (02:01.262)
In the airplane.
Hannah
In the airplane, yes. What if I’m married and I don’t like sex? Have you gotten that question before?
Juli (02:09.55)
Many times in many different forms. Like I think actually for several years that was like the number one Google query that brought people to our website.
Hannah (02:21.326)
That’s a fun fact right there.
Juli
It is, yeah.
Hannah
So even though we’ve been answering this for year after year, we’re doing it again. We’re making a podcast episode on this because the question keeps coming in. So we’re going to keep answering it.
Juli (02:34.734)
Good. Yeah, there are a lot of hurting people.
Hannah (02:37.176)
There are. So before we jump in, I know you guys are on the edge of your seats to hear this answer to this. We really, really, really want to hear from you. So if you can make sure to, however you’re listening to Java with Juli, leave us a review, give us some comments, let us know what’s going on. Tell us how we’re doing, you’re listening. We’d love to hear it. It helps us know you better, which we love, and just, you know, get feedback on the show and so we can answer these really big questions. So, okay, Juli, so let’s do it. So when someone asks you, what if I don’t like sex? What are you hearing when it comes to that question?
Juli (03:12.622)
I’m hearing frustration, disappointment. Very often there’s another spouse in the equation who is also frustrated and disappointed because sex was supposed to be something they enjoyed together and instead it’s something that one of them pursues and the other one is avoiding. So yeah, it’s real. I think particularly when you look forward to, okay, in a Christian marriage, this is supposed to be where I find fulfillment and this is a good gift that we’re allowed to enjoy. And I don’t know how to enjoy it.
Hannah (03:50.414)
Yeah. It’s a lot more complicated than just like, my husband and I have a difficult time agreeing on what movie to watch or what color walls to pick. There’s a lot deeper levels going on with this question and not being able to get on the same page in some way.
Juli (04:07.394)
Yeah, I think it’s different than if you have a married couple where one has maybe a higher sex drive than the other, where it’s like, I still like it, but just not as often as you do. But this is a situation where one, it’s usually the woman, but not always. One person in the marriage is like, I dread this. I don’t look forward to it. I actively try to avoid it. When we do have sex, I do it because I know it’s important to my spouse, but I just for one reason or another, this is not a blessing to me.
Hannah (04:41.282)
Yeah, if I could write a list of a hundred things I’d like to do, this would not make the list. Yeah. So yeah, this is nowhere on the list. And Juli, I remember even way at the beginning of Authentic Intimacy, when you and Linda Dillow wrote Passion Pursuit, you shared pretty openly parts of your story that early in your marriage, you could have written in a question something like this.
Juli (05:02.222)
Yeah, I would say for decades in my marriage. It wasn’t just in the beginning. was, you know, through a lot of the seasons, I definitely could have written in that question. And if I were listening, I would be that person who was leaning in like, yes, that’s me, help. Is there hope for me? Am I alone? Because it’s so frustrating.
Hannah (05:22.936)
So pretty hilarious trajectory that you now find yourself here.
Juli (05:27.758)
It is. I know, I know it is. Yeah, very true.
Hannah (05:32.108)
But I hope that’s encouraging to anyone who’s listening. This isn’t just some question that’s written in that feels far away. Like this is something that you have felt and carried yourself.
Juli
For sure.
Hannah
All right, so now what do we do about it?
Juli (05:44.94)
Yeah, what do we do about it? I think there are so many different elements to this. think first, one thing that was really important to me in my marriage was starting to recognize that this is something worth pursuing. Because I think for a lot of people who are in that situation of not liking sex, or maybe it’s your spouse who doesn’t like sex, it’s like, well, we’ll just connect in other areas. Like we’ve got a lot of other ways that we can have intimacy.
We’re parenting together. We can go to church together, we can serve together, we can play together. So maybe this just isn’t for us. And I would really, really encourage you not to have that conclusion, but to say, no actually, the research shows that this is an important aspect of marriage, it’s an important one to pursue. And even biblically, we know that God created sex to be part of marriage. And so you can’t just let go of it. You know, you have to pursue it.
Juli
And that would be the other thing I’d say is it’s not going to change magically. I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone who is like, yeah, I went through years of hating sex or not enjoying it. And then all of a sudden something happened and now I love it. It’s like that doesn’t usually happen. You have to be intentional about saying, all right, what does it look like for me to learn to enjoy sex and to identify the things that are getting in the way?
Hannah (07:10.198)
Yeah, I think as someone who is in maybe a busy stage in parenting and life and, you know, just all of life, Juli, there’s a lot of heaviness. There’s a lot going on. There’s a lot you’re in charge of. It’s easy to understand, though, how you’d get to the mindset of like, listen, I’m doing pretty good in all these other areas of life. I’m keeping all this moving. Do you know what mean? Like, taking care of these kids, taking care of our home, loving my spouse. Like, so this is one thing I’m not good at. Let’s just kind of write it off.
Juli (07:39.5)
Yeah, for sure. Don’t write it off.
Hannah (07:40.524)
But you’re saying, don’t do it.
Yeah, don’t write it off because you’re losing that connection over time with your spouse. And yes, there are other fruitful areas of marriage, but this is something that is just so critical in terms of something you look forward to together, something that bonds you together, that it is worth pursuing. And as you said, one of the most difficult parts of this is if you’re already exhausted and you already feel pulled in ten different directions, it’s going to be even more difficult to say, all right, I’m going to prioritize time and energy and resources to figuring this out.
Hannah (08:18.958)
Yeah, it sounds like a big task. I don’t know.
Juli (08:22.296)
I’m not selling ya.
Hannah
Can you sell me a little better? But I mean, I believe, I hear it, you know, and I know that that piece and that heart that you’re saying, like the importance of this is so hard. I think though, even I’ve heard you talk about practically, like that it’s common for a wife’s sexual desire to really decline after the few years of marriage. So to the person who’s feeling that, while we do want to fight for it, there’s a piece of us that’s like, but isn’t this normal? Isn’t the decline normal?
Juli (08:54.31)
Yeah, it is.
Hannah (08:55.724)
Seems unfair, so.
Juli
Like I said a few minutes ago, you’re not going to automatically wake up one day and be like, now I like it. But you will wake up one day and be like, I used to like sex and now I don’t like it at all. That is really common. And it’s really common in the stage of marriage that you’re in Hannah, where you have little kids and you’re exhausted and people are touching your body all day. And you’re like, I don’t want to share any part of me with anyone, once the kids go to bed. Your body changes. You don’t feel like that sexy 20-year-old you used to be. So you’re dealing with that. It’s just, you know how to be now mom and dad together, but becoming husband and wife and really carving out that time for each other becomes really, really difficult. So it is super common in marriage for couples to start out with, hey, this is something we used to connect with, but now we’ve kind of drifted apart.
Hannah (09:52.95)
Yeah, and think you even kind of can see that being this like self-feeding loop where then you kind of get in that rhythm where either one of you are avoiding it or just, I don’t like it, I’m kind of just not pursuing this in any way. And then both of you are starting to feel bad about that. Why does that feel so heavy versus just any other area of life that you could avoid, you know?
Juli (10:17.964)
Yeah, I think it’s just so rooted to a few things. Number one, it’s rooted to our sense of being loved and cherished and pursued for both, I think, a husband and wife. But second of all, it’s such an intimate part of our relationship that when that fades away, like you often will hear couples just say, I love my spouse, but we’re more like roommates.
You know like, we’re a great parenting team, what’s wrong with that? You when I say that, they know what’s wrong with that. It’s like, they say it because they know something’s missing. They don’t know how to be lovers anymore. They share a lot of life, but that the most intimate place that they’re supposed to be sort of building this special connection between the two of them isn’t there. It’s never a good thing when a couple says, we’re roommates. It’s like, you weren’t designed just to be roommates.
Hannah (11:16.962)
Yeah, there’s plenty of people to be roommates with. So when you’re getting these questions, Juli, or having those conversations, most people are saying this because they don’t want to be in this.
Juli (11:27.828)
No, they don’t. Yeah.
Hannah (11:34.84)
You know They’re not sharing it, bragging more confidently of like, this is just what we’ve chosen.
Juli
Yeah. We haven’t had sex in six months. Yeah.
Hannah (11:36.994)
There’s something saying like, don’t want to dislike sex. But I do. What is getting someone there? Are there things getting in the way? Why is this such a common path for people to be on?
Juli (11:50.786)
I think there’s always something in the way and the key is sort of being that detective to figure out what is it.
Hannah (11:57.742)
You’re good at being a little detective, so help us.
Juli (12:00.718)
I guess that’s psychologists do, is they ask all those probing questions, try to get at what actually is the issue. And, you know, again, it’s different for the person who maybe never liked sex to start off with versus the individual who’s like, there was a season where I was into this, it was fun, it was fulfilling, and now it’s not anymore. So that is one thing to consider. Has it always been this way? And as I said, for me, it had always been that way.
And I think there were a few things in the way that I didn’t know how to get help for. One of them was physical, just experiencing pain during sex. And I didn’t know how to resolve that. And so the more I just tried to say, all right, I’ll just deal with it, the more I started to dread sex. And so that was a piece of it. And then also for me, I think it was spiritual of just never really being able to embrace the fact that this was something good. You know, kind of growing up with more of that purity message and never being able to reconcile being somebody who loved Jesus and actually can embrace the fact that He made me as a sexual person. So for me personally, like that was some of my journey, the things I needed to confront. But I think in every individual who is experiencing this, there’s something in the way. You might resonate with what I shared, but there are other things that can be barriers as well.
Hannah (13:29.644)
My friend Noelle is always so good when she’s playing detective in something. She always, when her and I are talking about something, we’ve been friends forever. We’re both married, we both have kids, young kids. And when something’s going on, whether it’s one of our kids not sleeping well or relational struggle, she always is like, okay, is this physical? Is this emotional? Is this relational? Is this spiritual? She always starts there. She’s taught me this. She does this about so many things.
And I really appreciate watching her do that because sometimes there’s something spiritual and I’m trying to take melatonin for it, you know what I mean? So I think looking at that bigger picture and saying kind of what you just did, like which one of these columns is lighting up when I’m talking about this?
Hannah
So someone’s starting to do that. They’re playing investigator and they’re saying, what part is this? You you mentioned Juli, some physical part, some spiritual part. How do we start to like, untangle some of these different obstacles in these columns.
Juli (14:33.164)
Yeah, I mean, I think even as we talk about them and your friend Noelle, like she nailed those four categories. Those are the four that we need to look at. So physically, you know, like I shared, is there a situation where it’s painful? Is there a situation where you’re not able to experience pleasure or you’re not able to respond sexually? Are there medical complexities like illnesses or medications?
Like for me, I have a really bad thyroid, and so that played a lot into it and there are aspects of our health that we don’t often say that’s going to play into libido or sexual response and that’s why you may need to go to a doctor or a specialist so there’s all kinds of physical things sometimes we can pinpoint those immediately and sometimes they take a little bit of investigation but then you’ve got those other categories so and sometimes it’s more than one.
Hannah (15:32.494)
Which cannot always be solved with medication.
Juli (15:36.814)
No, no. Yeah, so emotional. know, sex involves being able to feel safe and intimate. It involves being able to be out of control. And so right there where I say things, some people are like, yeah, I don’t like to be out of control or I don’t feel safe in my marriage. Or perhaps you had experiences of trauma that are so deeply embedded in your brain and in your wiring that even if you have an amazing spouse, you still can’t feel safe. Like sex is too vulnerable for you. And so you either shut down or you dissociate. There’s all kinds of emotional barriers that can get in the way.
Hannah (16:19.532)
We didn’t just mark down on our calendar though, Juli. I think in two weeks, we’re recording an episode that’ll be out not next week, but the one after. Or you are going to talk more about the healing and what sexual wholeness could look like after trauma. So we are going to go down that one a little bit deeper coming up. I hope as we’re talking about that, people see the complexity in this as encouraging, not discouraging. Because it is complicated.
Juli
It is.
Hannah
And it’s not. We don’t just want to put on shame of like, yeah, you shouldn’t not like it. There’s a lot of pieces of what you’re describing that all contribute with your sexual relationship.
Juli (16:59.822)
Yes. And again, typically we talk about this in terms of the woman not liking sex, but there are men who don’t as well. And it makes it even more difficult, I think, for men because the narrative they’re always told is you’re going to be the one who’s always initiating, you’re going to always want this.
Hannah (17:18.03)
I think that there’s probably even more shame because they’re like, I’m the man. This isn’t supposed to be me.
Juli (17:23.841)
So particularly when it comes to maybe physical situations where a man can become aroused, there’s so much shame with that. But then also emotionally, like men experience trauma, men have difficulty letting go of control or letting themselves enjoy pleasure. So it’s not just women who would struggle with this.
Hannah (17:46.478)
Man, I do wonder, Juli, like you and I have had a couple conversations on the podcast recently about romantic novels and smut and just some of how women are reading and interacting with areas on sexuality. Movies, commercials, I mean there was a preview for a movie that was out probably a few months ago earlier this year for Wuthering Heights and every time this commercial came on I was like, this woman is just ready to pop this dude’s fingers in her mouth at any time.
Juli
Oh my goodness.
Hannah
It was like so suggestive, so exciting. Not, you know what I mean, exciting. I there was just like a lot going on there. And in a way, I do feel like we, for generations, have seen this way that it’s been portrayed. That it’s like women are just always ready to respond, to love every minute of it. I mean, does that even contribute to this at times of being like, man, I feel so far from what I’m reading, you know, or what I’m watching?
Juli (18:45.654)
Yeah, I mean, it’s a form of pornography.
Hannah
Yeah.
Juli
And so in a similar way where you view, say, traditional pornography, you’re looking at something that’s not realistic and it trains your sexual response to something that isn’t real. And then when you encounter a real body and real sex, it’s like you may not be able to respond at all. And that same thing can happen with smutty novels or the images that we see.
But I think even more so, the expectations that we form, again, this is where I’m going to talk specifically to women, is that sex happens to us. In other words, like the handsome guy, you know, he’s so romantic, he knows exactly what buttons to push and what to say and exactly how much foreplay you need. And all you need to do is sit there and receive it and your body’s going to respond. And I think that is a subtle lie that gets in the way of a lot of women developing and growing this area because in reality, you need to pursue sexual pleasure. It’s not just going to come to you. You need to understand your response pattern. You need to understand what helps you feel aroused. You need to put your mind focused on that and communicate that with your spouse, not just be like, if he’s a good lover, he’ll figure all this out.
Hannah (20:08.75)
We do love to put it on the man.
Juli
We do.
Hannah
We’re like, I’m in charge of enough.
Juli (20:10.958)
Yeah. I mean, even when there’s that subtle narrative of that he should always lead or he should always initiate, you know, it’s like, where did that come from? And if you read some of the books, like, for example, that Cliff and Joyce Penner have written on sexual pleasure, one of the pieces of advice that they’ll give men is let your wife lead in this area because she’s more complex. She usually needs to go slower. And if you’re just waiting for your husband to lead, he is probably not going to be skilled at helping you enjoy sex. So it’s those sort of subtle expectations that get caught in our head that really keep us from pursuing sexual pleasure together in a way that actually is going to work.
Hannah (21:00.472)
Which really does sound like a pathway for a lot of women to get to a spot that will say, guess I don’t like this. Because whatever my man’s bringing, it’s not great.
Juli (21:09.792)
No.
Hannah
If you always feel like you have to be the one to just sit and receive.
Juli (21:15.604)
It’s like, yeah, and where do you actually see that? I mean, not that we should ever see anything played out, but if you think of the movies and the books and, you know, what you have learned about sex, you have probably over and over and over again, like subconsciously digested this belief that a great lover just immediately knows what you need.
Hannah (21:37.294)
Instead of being taught like through the experience
Juli (21:45.056)
You have to go after it. Yeah. You know, like you have to be proactive about your own sexual pleasure within marriage. It’s not just going to happen.
Hannah (21:50.222)
So I’ve heard you talk a little bit, Juli, about this term called responsive desire. Could you just talk to us a little bit about that? Because I know that term has been helpful for women to be like, OK, I can kind of see myself in that.
Juli (22:02.092)
Yeah, so there’s different kinds of sexual desire. One of them is more of an initiating sexual desire and the other one is a responsive desire. And so initiating desire is the person who is most likely going to be thinking about sex more often, is going to be the one in the relationship who is prompting sex because they’re thinking about it more often. And the responsive desire is the person who just generally doesn’t think about it throughout the day, but if the conditions are right and they have time to prepare, they actually can respond well. But they’re not going to be that initiator. And the research shows that roughly about 70 % of women are more responsive in their desire. And so the fact that they’re not initiating and they’re not always thinking about sex makes them believe they don’t have desire. Where in reality they have desire, it’s just a different kind of desire.
Hannah (23:01.474)
Man, that is helpful. Man, the research, you know, tells us so much. So, some of the things that have such a powerful impact on sex and marriage, we’ve kind of brought up a few of these when we were talking about the columns that some of the barriers could fit in, but we hear a lot of questions that involve words around shame, things from past, past trauma, people processing the reality of pornography throughout their marriages. Why do those things hold such power in this area? Like those just seem like they almost put these giant chains or locks around this conversation for people.
Juli (23:39.074)
Well, I think shame is always paralyzing for us.
Hannah (23:42.156)
Yeah, it’s powerful in all areas.
Juli
It is, it really is. But I think what makes this even more powerful in the area of sexuality is because nobody talks about it. so, yeah, I know.
Hannah (23:53.998)
Except for Authentic Intimacy.
Juli (24:06.542)
That’s true. But I think if I’m feeling shameful, say for example, because something happens at work, I can bring that in front of my spouse or my friends, I can process it and be like, this thing happened and I just feel really bad about it. And talking about something and being vulnerable with it is actually sort of an antidote to shame. But with sexual shame, whether it’s because of past sin or it’s because of thoughts and lusts you have that just feel awful to you, or if it’s even as a result of really legalistic teaching about sex.
You just hold on to it so much so that you don’t even really know that you’re holding it until maybe somebody else names it for you. And you’re like, yeah, I guess that is shame. Or, yeah, I guess I never connected the dots of growing up, my dad making comments about my body that made me feel awful. And now I don’t want to ever get naked in front of my husband. It’s like, I never realized how embedded that shame was and how I feel about my body.
Juli
And so because we don’t often talk about it and there aren’t safe places to really make those connections, you can live your life for decades, just shackled by any form of shame.
Hannah (25:18.074)
Without even knowing it or realizing those deeper pieces. So do you also see, I know that we’ve done episodes before where we’ve talked about common lies that we have around sexuality. Do you see certain ones come up more often in this question?
Juli (25:35.116)
Yeah, I think there are. Some of the deeply embedded lies can be: I have to have a great body to enjoy sex. And so, you know, I hate my body. I don’t feel like it’s ever going to be sexy. It’s never going to be enough for my spouse. I’m not good enough. There can be lies that, again, you don’t even know that you believe, like, sex for me has represented pain from trauma or has represented the area of my life where I’ve messed up the most, so I will never give myself permission to enjoy sex again.
We don’t say that out loud, but I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve talked to who subconsciously have made that vow with themselves. Like, I’m going to just punish myself, or I don’t trust sexual pleasure because of the way it’s been used against me or where it’s led me in the past. And so I will not allow myself to have that. It’s too dangerous.
Juli
I think the lie that sex is primarily for a man’s pleasure, and it’s a woman’s duty, has done a lot of damage. again, along with that, the lie that we already talked about just that it’s a man’s job to please his wife, like it’s all on him, like he’s got to figure it out. Like some of those things, again, because we don’t talk about them, we don’t even know that’s a lie or that we’re believing it.
Hannah (26:58.734)
So let’s say that as someone’s listening today, they’re hearing you say all these things, hearing you describe some of these obstacles or the different kind of issues that can come up, and for the first time are thinking, oh, okay, maybe something isn’t deeply wrong with me. This is maybe more common than I realize, or I want to talk to my spouse about some of this stuff that I heard today. Do you have any advice on how someone could approach that kind of conversation with their spouse?
Juli (27:30.574)
I would say one thing you can do is listen to this podcast together.
Hannah (27:34.54)
Send them the link. Yeah.
Juli
And I’d say be careful doing that, particularly if you’re the spouse who’s like, my husband or my wife hates sex and I’m trying to get them to like it. Be careful how you do that because it can feel like manipulation.
Hannah (27:46.104)
That’s good advice. Yeah don’t send this with a winky emoji.
Juli
There you go.
Hannah (27:51.97)
Like this will fix you.
Juli
Yeah, don’t do that. I would say instead, if you’re the one in that seat, let it move you to compassion that your husband or your wife is avoiding this because there’s pain or there’s shame there. so let that be the first step of, like, maybe I’ve put this pressure on you when this is a real painful area of your life and I want to be more sensitive.
So listening to this podcast with that frame of reference instead of, we got you figured out, like now you got to like it, I think is really critical.
Juli
Another thing I would really say and encourage you to do is first individually and then maybe eventually as a couple, really pray about this. When we go back in the time machine, say 15 or 20 years ago, when I was in the midst of this feeling like, the worst part of my marriage with three kids and it was an important part of our marriage for my husband and I was frankly pretty angry at God that this got to be a gift for my husband and not for me. I remember one of the first things I did was I set aside three months to just really pray about our sex life, and I didn’t tell Mike that I was doing that because I didn’t want the pressure.
Hannah (29:16.174)
No of course not.
Juli (29:17.23)
It wasn’t like, hey, you know, like he’d be checking in with me. What’s God telling you?
Hannah (29:22.84)
Did you need me to watch the kids so you can have more time? Yes.
Juli (29:26.926)
But I just, I knew it was an area where I felt really broken and frustrated and angry. And so I was just like, all right, Lord, in my time with you, this is going to be a topic where I just am honest with you. And I’m going to pray for three months that you will just help me, that you’ll help me learn to enjoy this, that you’ll bring healing. And I didn’t even know what to expect.
Authentic Intimacy didn’t exist back then. I didn’t know of any resources that could help me.
Hannah (29:57.55)
Yeah, you weren’t listening to podcast.
Juli
No, I knew no one I could talk to about this. But that really began a trajectory of healing for me personally and in our marriage that unfolded over the years. But God cares about this area of your life. He cares about the fact that you hate sex.
You often hear me say on this podcast, every sexual issue is also a spiritual issue. And what I mean by that is, if this is something you’re not enjoying in marriage, there will be a resentment that grows between you and the Lord, between you and your husband. It’s never just going to be about sex. And so if we just ignore that and we don’t bring God in and ask Him to help us and bring healing, then we have these walls that get formed that keep us from intimacy with God and in marriage. So I just feel like that’s so critical. I think we have to realize what a spiritual battle this is, and not try to fight it in our own strength and wisdom.
Hannah (31:02.006)
And really believe that I have the beauty of access to God. I have a unity in Him in life that this is an area I can bring God into and actually believe that He’s with me and cares.
Juli (31:16.59)
Now, another thing I wish somebody would have told me back in that season of my marriage was, I already shared that sex was painful for me physically, and I wish somebody would have told me, learn to enjoy sex in a way that’s not painful. In other words, intercourse probably wasn’t the best thing for us to be doing in that season because it was reinforcing that pain.
I wish I would have known to go to like a pelvic floor therapist or somebody that could help, but more importantly, to be building experiences and memories in our marriage where this is something I actually like. And that would require your spouse to be patient and be like, hey, I don’t ever want this to be an area of our marriage that you feel like you need to avoid, or that it’s just for me. Like how in this season of marriage, whatever those barriers might be: whether they be physical or emotional or spiritual or relational. How do we call out those barriers but then say, what does it look like to love each other sexually in this season? And to have this become a haven for both of us that we both look forward to and can enjoy.
Hannah (32:29.262)
Well, Juli, that whole answer and framework sounds so encouraging. And I hope that for men and women both listening, they could hear that and hear the hope in your words. Not just your story personally, but just this wisdom and bigger picture of like, this isn’t neutral. This is something that we want to be people who fight for this and fight for this in our marriages and our homes. And yeah, for anyone who came in with that question of, if I’m married and I don’t like sex, what do I do? Our hope is that this conversation could give you that little boost of hope in your pocket today.
Juli (33:05.72)
Yeah, yeah. And I also want to make sure we will put in our show notes links to some resources that I think can be helpful. I mentioned Cliff and Joyce Penner. They have a couple books that I think are really helpful with this. One is called “Restoring the Pleasure”, which is a great book for you to read as a couple together. Another one is just called “Enjoy”, and it’s for wives, but I think it’s great for men to read it too, to really understand the complexity of female sexuality and how you can both be a student of the wife’s body and her response cycle. So those are some practical things that are going to be helpful in terms of what does it look like moving forward.
Hannah (33:47.394)
Man, that’s a great book title. Good job, Penners.
Juli (33:49.835)
There you go.
Hannah
And Juli, of course, you and your ministry with Authentic Intimacy have some great resources too. So we always have our online book studies, which is a great place to build community with other men and women. Summer groups open up soon. We’ll have a link in the show notes. But that’s a great way to join a community that you can be having these conversations with other people in a safe place under this big, beautiful umbrella of Authentic Intimacy.
Hannah (34:14.866)
And hey, I hope that you’ll pre-order this book. We’re so excited for the release of 25 Questions You’re Afraid to Ask about Love, Sex, and Intimacy. So drop it in your cart, pre-order it. We can’t wait to have that in person. Or go back to a classic. Java with Juli has been around for a long time, but even before that we had “Passion Pursuit”, a Bible study called “Passion Pursuit”, that we love. What kind of love are you making? And Juli, I think you have a spoiler alert about that Bible study coming too, don’t you?
Juli (34:42.926)
Ew, what’s that? What’s the spoiler alert?
Hannah (34:45.514)
I think you’re updating it.
Juli
There you go. You know, that is my next project on my list that I would like to update, but I’m not ready yet.
Hannah
That’s right.
Juli
No, this is a spoiler. I’m actually going on sabbatical for a few months to just be praying about what’s next.
Hannah
Oh, fantastic.
Juli
Yeah. So, but I’m going to be praying about that particular study coming out of sabbatical, so we’ll see what the Lord has.
Hannah (35:13.218)
Well, I can’t wait. Well, look for all those in the show notes or stop by authenticintimacy.com and you’ll be able to find all those resources to follow up from today’s conversation.
Juli (35:22.792)
Hey, thanks for listening and Hannah, thanks for being with me for this conversation. All right, we’ll see you next time for more Java with Juli.