Ladies, have you ever wanted to get inside the mind of your man–just for a day? Now’s your chance! Juli and Hannah sit down with pastor and author Chip Ingram to find out what husbands wish their wives knew about sex.
From why men fear rejection more than they let on, to how wives misunderstand their husbands’ need for connection, this conversation is filled with eye-opening insight and practical wisdom.
Prefer to listen? Listen to the full episode here.
Juli
Hey, friend, welcome to Java with Juli. I am your host as always, Juli Slattery, and this podcast is an outreach of a ministry called Authentic Intimacy, helping you make sense of God and sexuality. Well, today we’re going to reach way back in the archives to bring you one of my favorite Java with Juli episodes.
This is a conversation with Hannah Nitz as we sat down with pastor and author Chip Ingram to ask him what husbands wish their wives understood about male sexuality. This was a fun, totally off the cuff and candid conversation. And I really encourage you to share it with your friends or family members, particularly those who are engaged or newly married. We’re gonna get into some topics like the emotional weight that men carry around sex and failure, how couples get stuck into cycles of rejection and unmet needs, and help you understand what a wife can do when her husband seems disinterested or emotionally distant.
Now, I do want to offer this caveat. This conversation is going to apply to you if you’re in a relatively healthy marriage. If you or your spouse are struggling with pornography addiction, infidelity, or working through past sexual trauma in your marriage, I still encourage you to listen today, but we’ve also selected some blogs and video Q&As that offer advice more specific to your situation, and we’ll link to those in our show notes.
Juli (01:43.276)
And now Chip Ingram, who is the guest in this episode, is the CEO and teaching pastor of Living on the Edge, an international teaching and discipleship ministry. He’s the author of 21 books and he’s passionate about helping everyday believers apply God’s truth to their lives. And I honestly love Chip, could have talked to him all day long. So let’s head to the coffee shop for this classic Java with Juli conversation with Pastor Chip Ingram.
Juli
Well, welcome to Java with Juli and I’m here with Hannah Nitz. Hannah, thanks for joining me again.
Hannah
I’m excited about our guest. We are sitting here with Chip Ingram. It’s just such a fun treat. So glad you get to hang out with us today.
Chip
Well, thanks Hannah. Nice to get to meet you.
Juli
Yeah, and Hannah, tell me how you know Chip, of Chip.
Hannah (02:28.238)
I love that you’re making me say this. Okay, so my husband, his name’s Caleb and Caleb’s boss, it’s a little confusing. His name is also Caleb, Caleb Callahan, loves Chip Ingram books, loves them. So I guess that my Caleb hears Chip Ingram quotes all the time and never like, I don’t think he’s seen a picture of you or really like knows who you are, just knows the name Chip Ingram. So when I’m talking to him about coming to Chicago and these podcasts I get to do and I’m staying with Chip Ingram and he was like, Chip Ingram.
He said, I think I’ve heard more quotes about him than I probably have from anyone else. So you’ve infiltrated my marriage without me even knowing it.
Juli
Yeah.
Chip (03:06.798)
I don’t know how it’s going, I don’t know how to respond. But if it’s going well, praise God. If not, I think I’m being mistranslated.
Hannah
It’s going really well.
Juli (03:15.662)
Well, I know Chip Ingram. I think I interviewed you at Focus on the Family. I know we met there, and I have such respect just for your faithfulness, and you’re a man of humility. I just see that in you, that you just want the Lord to be glorified, and God has given you very practical wisdom in applying the scripture to family life and to marriage, and so you’re a faithful man, and it’s an honor to be recording with you today. Well, thank you, Juli. So thanks.
Chip
And we heard the rumor that he’s been married 37 years. So that helps.
Juli
That is huge. And he’s a Tozer fan. mean, anyone who loves Tozer is my friend. So, yeah.
Hannah
Do you like coffee? Yeah, you two are two peas in
Chip
I love coffee.
Chip (03:57.742)
I don’t want to mess up and get on a coffee subject, but my parents, I didn’t like milk. And so if you would drink half your milk around our table, both parents, they weren’t born again Christians, but really good morals later came to Christ. But at our table, education mattered. I could drink half my milk at three, and then they would pour some coffee and a little sugar. And the older I got, I got less and less and less milk. And so the memories, if you can imagine that in my home, and they weren’t Christians, but I thought, wow, if Christians would do this. When we finished dinner and we ate dinner every night together, you’d push the plates in the middle, you couldn’t even clear the table. And everyone would have coffee and we would talk. Sometimes for 30 minutes, for an hour, but it was what happened that day or what someone was reading. And I realized I got an education. And then I was so poor, the only thing Terese and I could do on a date is we went where you got free refills and we bought one donut and split it.
And so all my best relationships with my parents, my family, my wife, and now all my kids is over a cup of coffee. So.
Hannah
Well how perfect!
Juli
I love that!
Chip
Java with Juli!
Juli
I know, yeah! You should do like chai with Chip. Well, that’s not coffee.
Chip
It rhymes.
Juli
Yes, it does. That’s awesome. Well, Chip, we brought you in here to talk about a topic that takes a lot of wisdom and discernment to talk about effectively and to talk about appropriately. And that is understanding sexuality within marriage from a man’s perspective.
Juli (05:30.474)
And you did a sermon years and years and years ago that you probably don’t even remember too much about but we found it and it was I think it was titled what every man wishes his wife knew about sexuality or about his sexuality
Chip
Yep, yep.
Juli
So that’s what we’re here to ask you all about.
Chip
My face turns red at times.
Hannah
It’s okay, it’s radio.
Juli
Mine used to, but I have to talk about this all the time, so I’ve kind of got…
Chip
You know what, thank you. Because it’s, you know, we laugh and all that. It’s a huge issue. Yeah, it is. And most women do not get at all how their husband’s minds work and vice versa. Most husbands don’t have a clue of what it means to love your wife appropriately in a way and what romance really is all about.
Juli
We don’t, you know, we know we’re different as male and female, but I don’t think we practically live that out. We just assume that my husband must be like me. And sometimes we need that reminder. So I guess we’ll just jump right into this. What are some of the most important things for a wife to know about her husband, particularly related to sexuality?
Chip (06:36.238)
One, he’s inundated by a culture and that his masculinity and his identity is from the time he was a very young boy and he can’t go to the grocery store, he can’t watch a football game, where he’s not inundated where sex and love are the same thing. Most men will not tell you but we are insecure, all people are, and the safest place in the world is your wife and the place where you feel most affirmed. And when, my wife would say, honey, the whole world can be crazy and we make love and everything’s okay. And I said, well, I know everything’s not okay, but I’ve been open and vulnerable and I feel like the real me is literally and figuratively naked and unashamed and it’s safe and it communicates.
I think a lot of women think, yes, my husband’s just sex crazed. And don’t get me wrong, there’s some men certainly inappropriate in some demands at times, but I think if a woman understood, it really is deep in the soul of a man, his identity and his sexuality are so connected.
You know, way more about this, but you know, what is it, the oxytocin in the brain of a man that when you’re with your wife, there’s a freedom and an openness and a connectedness. You know, I might as well jump into the deep end. I think some of the biggest problems in sexuality among Christian couples is a focus on the level of experience that you have. I’ll get messages like, know, we saw that movie about 50 Shades of This or That, is this legal or is that legal? you know what, the question tells me they don’t get it. I mean, I’m not sure where and how, but you can edit out anything I say. If the whole issue is how do I get a greater orgasm, if the whole issue is what was my experience, you’ve missed the point of how do I serve my wife?
Chip (08:50.264)
How do I express to her what’s in my heart and how precious she is and done in a way, I wanna have a great experience. But if it’s about me, that takes you to a place where you can have lust in a marriage instead of experience love. There is a role for and you can do another podcast on wise techniques and communication and all the rest, okay? Get someone else for that one. But what I’ve discovered after 38 years is just to be honest to say, we’re human beings and sometimes we’re more tired than less tired and being close and being connected and having a time where you express your love, that it’s not the greatest over the top experience, but it’s awesome.
And other times where it’s like, boy. God, I’m really glad you made sex, because it’s been pretty good. it’s, well, was, you know? And so it’s not an either or. So I’m not sure how we’re doing on this conversation so far.
Juli
You’re doing great. Let me ask you a follow-up question with some of what you said, because you said so many profound things that I don’t want them to get lost. I’ve met with couples, and a lot of times what we hear from is the wife, who will say, I’ve been married for 15 or 20 years, and I’m just now discovering what real intimacy is. And like you’re describing this, there are Christian couples who love each other at some level, and they’re sexually active, but they’ve never been sexually intimate. How do you know the difference and how do we begin pursuing real sexual intimacy within marriage?
Chip (10:28.108)
You know, I think one of the biggest ways is, that anything to do with sex? It’s actually talking about it. Communicating how you feel, communicating what does this mean to you? Communicating appropriately at the right time, either levels of frustration, or this embarrassment that somehow everyone knows how to really make love in a really good way.
So you know I don’t want to my husband’s feelings, like, you know, buddy, you know, there’s a way this works for me and a way that doesn’t, but you don’t tell him or vice versa, you know. And so I think part of it is communicating. And I think part of it is getting some expectations about frequency. I mean, I tell guys this, and I’ve just said, you cause they, guys literally, the average guy, if I talk to them when we’re privately, they can tell me how many days it was since they had sex with his wife. And when it’s not going well, I mean, it’s building up inside. been 11 days. It’s been two weeks.
Hannah
Chip, that reminds me, I had a friend, a couple who were close with and the husband is an artist and they have had this conversation before. What you’re saying, like they know how many days, like how they feel about it. Like, okay, this is something that it’s been a while, like please help. And this husband was trying to portray that to his wife and was talking to us about this later. And he actually drew out a drawing of like what he feels like how many days post having sex.
So like, okay, it’s been like a week and it’s kind of like dragging and like it’s been two weeks and you see like more stress piling on him and he drew and then showing at the end like and then we have sex and then he like has a cape on and is like going.
Juli (12:20.014)
I would love to see that.
Hannah
That was like when they were having some issues and we were talking them through it and he was saying that like, don’t you remember when I drew you that? Like that wasn’t just to be funny. Like this is truly, when how I feel when it goes, you know, that many days or weeks in between. that like visual cartoon, like seeing that drawn out is such a great example of what you’re talking about.
Juli
That’s really cool.
Chip
Yes it is. And I think too, just knowing that, you know, it works the other way too, as you know, I’m certainly not an expert in any way like you all, you know, as I’ve counseled an awful lot of couples, when a man fears failure, which a man does, often he won’t take initiative. And the reason he won’t take initiative is because it is so painful to be rejected. And if he gets rejected a handful of times, I’ve met with wives who are going like, you know, our sex life really stinks and I feel like I’m initiating. The same reason a man won’t initiate to have sex with his wife is the same reason he won’t lead spiritually. He feels like I don’t want to fail and I think women long for connection, men fear failure. so having an openness and so I’ve just told people, look, you know, I four kids, different ages, we planned in an evening.
And we knew that this night, and you know, I’ve had guys go, well that doesn’t sound very spontaneous. Well it’s not like the show’s on TV and we’re madly and the girl jumps up into his lap and the wild passion. I got news for you. So I just told her, I said to guys, okay well, here’s the deal. Well when it spontaneously works and is awesome for you, wonderful. But you know what, my wife has something to look forward to.
Chip (14:09.152)
My wife about 85 % of it begins in her brain and she needs to prepare. And I’ve realized that for us to have a good time, the level of sensitivity of our meals and our conversation and she needs to be valued because if it’s just sex apart from connection, she just feels used. So, okay, we may have sex more than once a week, but when we struggled in this area, it was like, okay, we put on the calendar and you know?
Juli
Yes
Chip
And you know what? That was then pretty good. Now there’s a routine. Now there’s not this silence like, well, you know, can’t, and that’s the reading your mind thing that goes on. I mean, what’s, like, what part of hint, hint, hint, hint, hint, and you know, like, she’s going , I, what hint?
Juli
Yeah, well you get in a cycle if you don’t have that conversation expectation where let’s assume for a minute, and I want to get to the opposite dynamic, but let’s assume for a minute that it’s the man who is thinking that way, like it’s been too many days, I really want to be intimate with my wife. He will continue to hint and ask, she’s not prepared, and so she’ll continue to reject or shrug him off.
And you get into an emotional state where he’s always pushing and she’s gotten in the emotional state where sex has become a demand and a chore. And what you’re saying instead is have a mutual agreement of either we’re gonna put it on the calendar or we’re gonna aim for this many times a week or this is kind of our code for how we communicate to each other. And then you can begin, whether it’s the man or the woman, to prepare in different ways.
Like for the man, I know something that my husband has said is it’s very helpful for me to know when. So it’s not just this sort of open-ended sometime in the next three years. I can look forward to this is when I’m gonna be with my wife. So that sort of communication is very important.
Juli (16:13.57)
Hey, friend, it’s Juli. I’m jumping in here just for a quick minute to let you know that registration for our fall online book studies is open. So I encourage you to grab your spot in one of our groups for men, for women, or for couples who are going through my new book, Surrender to Sexuality. Plus we’ve got groups that are going through God, Sex and Your Marriage, Finding the Hero in Your Husband, Rethinking Sexuality and more. So in these studies, you will take part in a weekly Zoom meeting with a small group.
You’ll have online discussions and at the end, a live Q&A with me. So these groups fill up fast, so don’t wait. Just head authenticintimacy.com/online-book-studies to grab your spot today. All right, back to my conversation with Chip Ingram and Hannah Nitz.
Chip (17:03.022)
When I do a little teaching, I’m doing a teaching on love and there’s some level of sexuality and we’re talking about sharing and communicating. And one of the little practices I have is make a direct request. And because it’s like, guys, and I just said this in church, look guys, here’s how you’re feeling. You need to say, honey, I just want you to know that I really miss you. You’re very attractive and I’m very attracted to you.
I looked on our calendar, what night next week would be good for us to get together physically and make love. I really miss you. And you know, you could just feel the, would I say that? Ladies, okay? But I’m thinking, well if you’re not gonna hear this in church, where you gonna hear it? And then I flipped it around and said, okay ladies, some of you are feeling like it’s work, it’s this, it’s that. You want to go on a walk, you wanna go have coffee, you really wanna share your heart.
We’ve given you this little practice. You know, dear, or whatever you call your husband, I want you to know there’s lots of demands on your life, but my heart needs filled up so that when we have sex, it’s from our relationship, not just an action. So, when would you like to grab lunch or grab coffee? And I’d like to have one of those conferences, Chip says, about what do you wish, what are you concerned about, where we really connect at the heart level? Would you check your calendar and can we put it on?
Juli
Wow. That’s good. It’s so simple. It is. But it’s something we don’t do. We don’t do.
Hannah
And when you’ve been married, like, okay, I can just think of friends who it’s like, well, we’ve been married for five years and we’ve never done that. Like that would feel so awkward to just like start doing that. And I think it might like maybe the first time it’ll feel awkward. But you keep building that and growing that practice. Just like, I mean, if you haven’t worked out in a really long time, you go to the gym when you’re on the treadmill, you don’t exactly feel good about yourself. You’re like, this feels weird. But I love that practice, Chip and saying like that open communication and being as detailed as saying like, this is what I need and let’s like literally pick a time to do this.
Chip
And you break through and then it can build a rhythm. So like my wife knows I’m gonna travel and we’re gonna be apart. She’s very sensitive. I don’t have to say anything. She’ll say something like, I’m really looking forward to a quiet evening at home. Ding, ding, ding. Hey, guess what? So am I. And when I walk in from work, there’s a candle lit, we’re gonna have dinner together, I might make some extra coffee. I mean, it, I’m… She is sensitive to me. Then I’m also aware of, she’s teaching a Bible study on Tuesday night, she’s watching grandkids, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, I’m coming in from out of town. Here’s what I know, she’s had grandkids. I don’t know what you’re thinking, Chip, but Monday or Tuesday, probably, you can think whatever you want, but you probably ought to give her some space, and you probably ought to help her recover. Where before, I would come home like, I’ve been on the road for a week.
Juli
Yeah, I was gonna ask you Chip, how long did it take for you to get to that level of maturity? Because I’m sure as a young husband you didn’t have that sort of…
Chip
You know what, way, way longer than I should have. And part of it, we had marriage issues. So we both came from alcoholic families, we didn’t communicate, we couldn’t resolve anger. And as I tell everyone, if you’ve never had a problem in the area of sexuality, well, just wait. Because it’s common for everyone. So doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. Cause it probably has to do with unresolved anger, issues, in-laws, pressure, fatigue. It’s a symptom.
Chip (20:45.058)
Yeah. You know.
Juli
And not only that, I think that sexuality is so personal, it’s so deeply emotional, and it’s so vulnerable that God can use the problems in sexuality to take you as a couple to a much deeper level of emotional and spiritual intimacy. So in some ways, if you can look at it as a gift that, wow, now I’ve gotta learn to forgive in a different way, or be merciful, or I need to learn to be unselfish in a way that’s really difficult for me. God has taught me so much about love through this area of our marriage and the difficulties we’ve had.
Chip
The cycle that you described is probably way more pervasive. And I remember experiencing that where I just couldn’t understand how someone as beautiful as my wife, what is there something wrong with me? And she felt like, now that cycle of it, it’s turned into a duty. I wanna be a godly wife. And so we were just passing and missing one another. And it just took some real direct communication, and she got some warped messages growing up that she had to work through.
Juli (22:00.492)
Yeah, I think most of us do.
Chip
So did I.
Juli
And I would say, you know, a lot of my work messages, and unintentionally even came from the church about sexuality somehow being bad or shameful, or a woman’s not supposed to enjoy it too much. And you don’t know that you have that all underlying your thinking until you start digging. And it’s like, wow, yeah, I have been living by some lies. And so I think all of us have some retraining to do to our own minds.
Hannah
But it is encouraging. I’ll just say Chip, I’m thankful for you being honest in that saying like, this took us a long time to learn and figure out because I’m hearing you talking through this now with all these great ideas thinking like, man, seems like you really have this figured out. But to know that like, this hasn’t.
Chip
Yeah, those 15 years we did not have it figured out.
Hannah
Which I think is encouraging though for any of our listeners. Like, hey guys, if you’re a mess, there’s still so much room to grow and heal in your marriage, even five, 10, 15, 20 years down your marriage.
Chip
And you can figure it out and have a really great season and fall into negative patterns again. it’s like my relationship with God. I don’t know that I have this ever fully figured out. Because you said something. It is a level of intimacy and sensitivity that you’re either really growing more connected to your mate or you’re not. And at a certain level of maturity and life and pressure, you can have a good relationship, but it can be a little bit of a parallel lines moving together versus really moving toward one another. Because that always requires new levels of risk. And it shows up in the bedroom.
Juli
Yes, it does.
Chip
And when there’s new levels of risk and intimacy, there’s new levels of connection that fill your soul. that’s why I don’t even know how to articulate the, maybe the word is the genuine intimacy and the physical interaction can be completely connected, but at times can’t be. And I don’t think most men get that.
Juli
I think a lot of women don’t really get it at times either because they’ve trained themselves to just give their bodies. Particularly if you have a past where you’ve been promiscuous or you’ve been abused, you trained yourself to give sexually without giving your mind and your soul and your spirit. And it takes time and healing to get to the place where all that’s integrated.
Chip
One of the most powerful experiences, I was gonna say that a man, I don’t know anything about any other men, so I’ll just talk about me. One of the most powerful experiences in my life is this sense that my wife wants me. She values me, she wants to be close to me, she wants to receive me. And I can feel when she’s exhausted and you know what? Praise God because sometimes, you know, I’m really exhausted. I know you have needs, et cetera, et cetera. And I’m gonna give it my best shot. So appreciate that. But what really fills my heart is when I’m sensing she’s expressing her love to me. Because I think there’s a difference between having sex and making love, even in marriage.
Juli
There is, and guys know it. Guys know where their wives’ hearts are. Let me ask you a question that is coming up more and more often, I think particularly with younger marriages today, where a woman feels like her husband is not at all interested in sexuality. And she’s listening to what you’re saying that this is tied to his masculinity and it’s so important to him and maybe she’s been told that all growing up and she gets married and she’s the one who’s feeling rejected. She’s initiating and he’s not interested or he’s half interested. First of all, why is that dynamic happening more often and then what does a woman do who’s in that situation?
Chip
That’s a really, really good question. And I would think that, is that even possible? An odd years ago, I’ve had some of those conversations. I think that she probably would be amazed at how fearful her husband is and how deeply insecure, one of the biggest risks a man ever, ever takes, is to take the initiative with his wife. And so if it’s… if he fears whether even though she’s very responsive if he thinks that she’s not going to be respond or if he feels that He’s not going to do well it’s safer to not and Where he can be consumed in work he can be consumed in other things that have sort of that similar payoff that you really matter, but it’s artificial, and the only thing I’d say to her is you know, opening up and communicating to say, miss you, can we talk about this? And sometimes, at least in our marriage, this wasn’t the presenting issue, but I think counselors are made to help us when we’re stuck. And sometimes you get stuck and just going to say, hey, let’s go talk to someone that’s wise in these things that we can get these things out on a table.
Juli (27:34.614)
And it may not even be something that started as a marriage issue. So many men have pain in their past or trouble with trust and connection and what intimacy looks like. And they bring those problems into marriage without ever knowing how to voice them. And they just bring that into the bedroom of I don’t know what trust looks like, I don’t wanna lose control, I don’t wanna be hurt without even knowing the ways that that’s driving the relationship.
Chip
I think too we’re in a world where the whole pornography and masturbation and men dealing… God creates us and our bodies in ways where our intensity and desire grows and we physically want and need to be with our wives. And I think there’s a huge percentage of men that are avoiding all the risk and dealing with things in ways that are really damaging their marriage. And therefore, the responsiveness to their wives is not at all what it needs to be. And those are tricky places to go.
Juli
Yeah, they really are. And we’ve had many discussions on this podcast about pornography, about breaking some of those cycles. So maybe we’ll link to that after this podcast as well. But I think it’s also important to acknowledge that while pornography and masturbation are a huge part of this and what we’re seeing in culture, there are also underlying emotional fears that play out too. So it’s not a one-size-fits-all.
Chip
Not at all, and I think we underestimate, know, men, why do men play fantasy football? Why do men play video? Why is the average gamer 25 to 28 years old? It’s a safe place to vicariously have adrenaline rushes and act out like you’re really doing something. You’re playing. Why does a 30-year-old or 40-year-old man have a baseball hat on backwards? He’s playing, and you know, all the guys going, get off my baseball hat.
Chip (29:41.986)
You know, but it’s indicative. The point is is that to feel secure enough to take responsibility, I’m responsible for our relationship. I need to initiate. I need to communicate. I need to be the man in my home. And that’s true spiritually, but that’s true sexually. I need to cherish my wife. I need to know what her needs are. And if I feel like either I don’t know how to do that or issues in my past, men are avoiders. We’re procrastinators. The easiest path is passivity.
Hannah
I’m thankful for you sharing that because I’m thinking just of emails or conversations we get from women at Authentic Intimacy often who have this sort of struggle with their husband and I don’t think they would ever say, I think he’s afraid, or I there’s fear involved, because most men aren’t presenting it that way, right? Like again, having that like man like, you know, that’s not that they’re cowering in a corner. So I think they in a way hide it well.
Chip
No, you gotta get. I’m a man. I may come clean on something. I’m not coming clean on this. I mean, my masculinity is about sexuality. Every movie, everything I’ve heard is that, you know, a real man is. So to be afraid there, are you kidding? I mean, even if it’s true, are you?
Hannah
Yeah, they may not even admit that to themselves.
Chip (31:07.534)
Yeah, what do I do with that one? Yeah, I’ve, I talk with a beautiful woman who was a cheerleader on a professional team and her husband is a, was, another time, a star star athlete in college then played some pro ball. I’m, and so, you know, the physical issues, these people probably got what most of us, which we had.
And she is like totally frustrated. We had the rich opportunity of leading them to Christ. And so when it got really honest, and she’s going like, what’s the deal? And in my mind, thinking, this was sort of my thing. Gosh, when I looked at her, I thought, yeah, so what is the deal? It’s not physical. No. It’s not physical at all. And as I got to know him, boy, family of origin issues, patterns, fears, insecurities. And you know, were issues of the heart that needed to be dealt with where they could begin to express that with.
Juli
So I can imagine a woman listening to this saying, all right, I’ve got to get to the heart of my husband. I got to get him in counseling or therapy or, know, and she’s like, guess what, honey, we’re going to counseling. That’s probably not going to work. What is the best practical approach for her if she’s recognizing that I need to get to the heart of my husband?
Chip
You know, I think in Proverbs it says a gentle answer turns away wrath. And you know, a gentle answer can bring down the walls of a city. I think creating the safest environment at the right time in the right way where you can say, you know something, I so love you and I wanna be close to you.
Chip (33:03.918)
And I feel such a weight and a burden in my heart because when I’m the one that’s initiating, it honestly makes me feel like there might be something wrong with me. And I feel rejected. And I know you love me and obviously we’re attracted, we got married. Would you help me? I really long to be connected to you and just our, the time and the frequency of our relationship sexually is something I really want it to be better. And you’re not doing anything wrong. I just want to be close to you. I think the average guy, if he feels pressure, like get with the program, the more pressure our wives feel or if they nag, we’re not gonna go.
Juli
You’re the message that you’re failing as a husband.
Chip
Yes, what we rise up to is you need me.
Hannah (34:05.934)
Which sounds a lot better than a nag.
Chip
Really, really? Yeah. you, I really need you. Yeah. And a guy too is just, and I’m really attracted to you. Those are two things that we sort of want to step up. Yeah.
Juli (34:23.438)
That’s great advice.
Chip
What I always find is that tenderness from the heart, when it’s, because you can ask and you can feel a sense of rejection and resentment and anger underneath of it and somehow that bleeds through. But if you can come with a, I really want this to work and I really love you and you probably don’t get it, I need you. As a woman, I need this aspect of our relationship. It really matters to me.
Juli
And that tenderness over time. You know, you’re not gonna have that conversation 20 times, but you’re gonna be living it out every day. And I think for some women, it’s easy to have the one conversation where she’s tender and gentle and caring, and then if he doesn’t respond the way that she thought he should, she turns back into, all right, I tried that, you’re feeling me. But understanding that your husband is this man who desperately fears failure and wants to satisfy you and wants to be the husband that you want him to be, but doesn’t know how to get there. And it takes time and it takes patience and it takes encouragement and inviting, consistently inviting, to ask him to take some steps into healing and initiative. Our guys can look big and tough and be successful in all different arenas, so we don’t think about the ways that we’re asking them to risk in our own homes.
Chip (35:52.942)
And I mean this I’m not sure I know we’re wrapping up here in just a second but my wife has done something that has made a huge difference and again this is not like somehow you need to be able to fit into your wedding dress for the next 50 years or you know do yoga and seven days a week exercise and but we’re both getting older neither of us look like the pictures of you know 30 years ago but we’re men and we want to be attracted to our wives.
Juli
Yeah, I think of it like when my husband and I are together, we’re giving each other a gift and I’m giving him the gift of my body. And I know what it feels like to give a gift that you’re kind of apologizing for, like, well, this is the best I could do, I’m sorry. That’s a very different feel from this is a gift that I feel good about giving that I’ve invested in. And again, that’s not perfection, but it’s the attitude of the heart that if I’m gonna give you a gift, I want it to be the best gift that I can give. So I think that’s a good thing to keep in mind for both husbands and wives.
Chip
Absolutely.
Juli (37:03.576)
Well, friend, I hope you’ve been encouraged by this conversation with Chip Ingram. As men and women, we really are different, but that just might be by God’s design. I’ve really experienced that he uses those differences to wear down some of the rough edges and teach us how to be better spouses and lovers. Now, again, if you are walking through some really hard things in your marriage, like a struggle with pornography, recovering from infidelity, or even a lack of sexual desire, you might need some specialized help and resources. And we’ll link to some of those in our show notes. Or you can always just head to AuthenticInamacy.com and search for resources there. Hey, thanks for listening. And I really look forward to having coffee with you next time on Java with Juli.