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Life gets busy—especially with kids, work, and everyday stress. But research shows that couples who consistently make time for each other are significantly happier in their marriages.
This week, we’re talking about why date nights matter more than you think. We’ll tackle common obstacles couples face, like exhaustion, busy schedules, lack of childcare, and awkward conversations. Plus, you’ll hear simple and practical tips to help you reconnect with your spouse—even in the busiest of seasons.
Juli (00:00.844)
Hey friend, if you are a single Christian looking for a relationship and dating just feels messier than you think it should, that is not just you. In a dating culture that has been shaped by apps, mixed messages, and hookups, many Christians feel stuck between cultural expectations and biblical convictions. And that’s why I’m super excited to tell you about our new Hot Topic Kit on healthy dating and boundaries.
This brand new kit is a curated collection of our very best content designed to help you navigate modern dating with wisdom. Through research, teaching, blogs, videos, Java with Juli clips, and full episodes, you’ll discover a better purpose for dating, how to set healthy boundaries, how to have sexual integrity, and how to potentially prepare for a future marriage. Whether you’re single at 25, or single again at 55, or maybe somewhere in between, we created this resource to help you pursue love without losing sight of God’s design for intimacy and commitment. If you’re an Authentic Intimacy member, you already have access to this kit absolutely free. And if you’re not, you can get it today for just $15. Look for that link in our show notes or head to Authenticintimacy.com.
Juli (01:21.112)
What if one of the simplest habits in marriage turned out to be one of the most powerful? Today we’re talking about something that sounds small, but makes a huge impact, dating your spouse. I’m Juli Slattery and welcome to another episode of Java with Juli. This podcast is an outreach of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry dedicated to helping you make sense of God and sexuality.
Today we’re reaching way back into the archives for a conversation I had several years ago with Greg and Erin Smalley. Greg is the vice president of marriage and family formation at Focus on the Family. Erin is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and they are authors, speakers, and podcast hosts, and it is always fun grabbing coffee with them. In this conversation, you’re gonna hear how research shows that couples who consistently make time for each other, even just once a week, tend to have stronger marriages. You’re hear real stories and practical ideas for what date night can look like when life is busy, money is tight, and kids are melting down in the background. We’ll talk about why dates aren’t just about having fun, but also staying emotionally connected and rediscovering each other at every season of life.
Whether you’re newly married, exhausted with young kids, or feeling stuck in a routine, this conversation is gonna give you hope and some very doable next steps. So let’s head to the coffee shop for my conversation with my friends, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley.
Juli (02:52.504)
Well for Java Juli this week, I’m having a date with Greg and Erin Smalley. yeah, we’re going to talk about dates. I can’t say it’s a date night, because it’s not a nighttime. We’re having a date day.
Greg (03:04.451)
It’s a day date.
Juli
It’s a coffee date.
Erin (03:05.684)
And Greg loves to have coffee dates.
Greg
I do.
Juli
Do you really?
Greg (03:08.622)
No part of men enjoys that.
Juli (03:11.178)
That’s kind of a chick thing.
Greg
I hate coffee, and then we just sit and stare at each other deeply in the eyes doesn’t do it for me.
Juli
Really?
Greg
Take me hiking get me out doing something and I’ll talk all day long. But yeah, just holding…
Juli
That’s a girl thing.
Greg
Holding a hot beverage I don’t like anyway, just, not me.
Juli (03:31.054)
So we’ll never have a “Java with Greg”
Greg (03:33.614)
Probably not. We could have “Hiking with Greg” or “Fishing with Greg”.
Juli (03:37.61)
You gotta think of something with a G.
Erin
With a G, yeah.
Greg (03:40.364)
“Video games with Greg” or…
Juli (03:43.886)
I don’t know what starts with a G. I can’t think of anything. Sorry.
Erin
“Galavanting with Greg”.
Greg
Yeah, ’cause horses also are my favorite thing
Juli (03:52.844)
There you go. You could have a podcast on marriage, or no, a marriage and horse podcast.
Greg (03:57.122)
Yeah, seriously, I was traumatized here in Colorado Springs. I was forced at work to go with my colleagues on a horse ride. So they bring out like this Clydesdale for me, which made me feel a little self-conscious anyways. So I get on this massive horse and as we’re going up the into the foothills of Colorado Springs. My horse is going… can’t even breathe. And so I’m mortified as I’m on this gigantic horse that can’t breathe, who wants me off.
Juli (04:32.384)
How did it end?
Greg
and it ended with me walking next to the horse, leading him on..
Juli
Seriously?
Erin
Did he stun you off?
Greg
Oh, yes. He bucked me off, but he didn’t want me. bit me a few times. So please tell me this experience will be much better? I don’t want to relive any part…
Juli (04:51.156)
Greg, you know, there’s some people in the world, and this is true of one of my sons, your life is a sitcom. It’s like every day something funny happens to you. It’s just a…
Greg (05:02.688)
That’s our father in heaven. That’s his fault.
Erin
I’m just wondering which son it is, your middle?
Juli
Yeah
Erin
Yes, I figured.
Greg
Oh that’s true, yeah yeah.
Juli (05:05.366)
Yeah. He’s the same way. I’m how could this many crazy things happen to one person?
Greg (05:12.936)
It should be impossible. It’s sad, kinda. I get a little sympathy though.
Juli
Do ya?
Greg
So that works.
Erin
Okay. Well.
Greg
Cause you felt bad. You offered a little bit of empathy.
Juli (05:22.966)
I do feel bad, kind of, but…
Erin (05:25.192)
Not a lot of empathy at home though.
Greg (05:26.83)
That would be harsh. You’re not gonna challenge me because you’re like, poor guy.
Juli (05:28.936)
No, I wouldn’t say that. That’s not true. I will challenge you, so. All right. Well, that’s a great introduction to this idea of day date, right? I don’t know where it fits in.
Erin (05:38.318)
Our date nights are always a great adventure, is what I would say.
Juli
Always?
Erin
Usually something happens, yeah.
Juli
Something unexpected.
Erin (05:46.168)
Yeah, something unexpected.
Greg (05:48.6)
Much like Greg walking next to the horse on the trail. Couples should do a similar thing. And we call those date nights.
Juli (05:55.726)
I love it. Awesome.
All right. Well, let’s get into this topic. And I do want to hear some of your crazy zany date adventures throughout our conversation. But the practical takeaways that I want to get to as we talk today is the importance of date night. There are so many serious topics that we talk about related to marriage and intimacy. And sometimes you stumble on one thing that seems pretty simple, that actually research shows us makes a big difference. And one of those things is being consistent with dates, right?
Erin (06:32.334)
Research consistently shows that a couple that makes time for each other at least once a week has a much higher level of marital satisfaction. So it is proven that this is worth it. And especially with young kids when it’s crazy, when you’re not getting a lot of that one-on-one time, it’s important to get a sitter, trade off with someone, go out and do something with your spouse. It makes a difference.
Greg (07:01.278)
Yeah, I think the power of a date night, like take the word “celebrate”, I love that word because it has it has two distinct meanings at one level, to celebrate something means you’re you’re enjoying that thing. You’re you’re going out having fun. So on one level date night is powerful because we get to get away and have some fun. So we’re laughing, it feels good, it feels safe, we’re enjoying each other.
At a deeper level the word celebrate means to honor something I think that’s really the biggest benefit to a date night is you’re sending a message about your marriage that this is something that’s important. This is something that’s valuable, worth taking time paying someone or trading off with someone. We’re taking the time to go out and honor our marriage. And the more that we honor it, I love in the Bible where when Jesus said that where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. So the thing that you value is where you tend to put your effort and your energies into. So I think the more that you go out on dates, the more valuable your marriage becomes, the more you even invest at it. So there can be a really powerful effect when we choose to celebrate each other by dating.
Juli (08:16.832)
Okay, now some people might argue which came first, the chicken or the egg. So you cited research that says if you…
Greg
We’re going chicken by the way.
Juli
You’re going chicken? All right, well, I’m going egg.
Greg
That chicken just appeared on this earth.
Juli
I agree with you actually was the chicken because God created all the animals. So He probably created the chicken first. But anyway, that was, you’re making me ADD.
Erin (08:40.335)
I know
Greg
What are we talking about?
Erin
He is rather all over the place today. He doesn’t get out very often.
Greg
We’re talking horses, chickens, barnyard theme going on.
Juli
Going to the zoo with Greg Smalley.
Greg (08:49.323)
Speaking of cows…
Erin
Oh no.
Greg
I’ve got nothing. I was just going with the barnyard themes.
Juil (08:55.2)
Okay, well I thought you’d tell a cow joke or something.
Erin (08:57.646)
We have no cow jokes
Juli (08:59.79)
Now, if I can remember what I was gonna say, the chicken and the egg. Some would argue that it’s not that going on dates makes your marriage more satisfying, but that when your marriage is satisfying, you actually want to spend time together. Because if your marriage isn’t in a good place and you don’t particularly enjoy spending time together, whether it’s hiking or going out for coffee or going out for dinner, you’re, you’re not gonna want to invest that way. So how do we know it’s the date that’s making the difference? It’s not the fact that people that are unhappy marriages simply just don’t wanna be together?
See, I told you I’d ask you hard questions.
Greg (09:41.582)
It’s a great question. I think it would be true that people who aren’t getting along who aren’t happy within their marriage probably don’t want to spend time together But I’m telling you there there there is something powerful when we choose to do something even we’re not feeling like it or if it’s not something that that word super super excited about, there’s something powerful when we choose to do that thing anyways because of the benefit that it has on our relationship.
I mean, if Erin and I, if we were to wait until we’re not busy or until we felt like it or until we had time, we would never go out. Because a lot of our dates happen because we just kind of go, we need to do this. Like this is good for us. And it’s never a great time. There’s always something.
Erin (10:35.06)
It’s like we, every year we get the theater tickets for the Broadway series, whatever. And I’m telling you, there’s four or five plays each season. And every single time one of those comes up, it is not a good night. But we together are committed to making that the priority. So whatever else happens on that night, it doesn’t matter. That is our set date night. And it keeps us accountable that we’re investing this money in this. Therefore we will go, and we end up every single time having a blast. it is not, it’s not always convenient.
Greg (11:10.754)
Because busyness is obviously a problem, but to your point, just where we are relationally can keep us. Maybe we’re in a lot of conflict or just, it’s just not a great season. One of the things that’s interesting about date night is if you do something different, so you add sort of a new component. So maybe instead of going to the same theater, you go across town instead of going to the same restaurant, choose something different. Something as small as it’s just going somewhere different physiologically in your brain, activates the parts of your brain that were firing when you were first starting to go out. There’s a way in which just doing something new together brings back a lot of those early parts of what was going on in your brain when you first started going out.
Juli
Really?
Greg
So even if you’re like, yeah, know, we’re just not doing that well, even doing something new, your brain experiences that very different. Now that’s not a solution for me.
Juli (12:06.03)
I was going to say, is it wrong then if my husband and I tend to have the same date every week that we really enjoy? Or would you say?
Erin (12:14.05)
I’d say mix it up. I’d say, you know, we are creatures of habit. Greg and I, enjoy the same thing over and over again, but just mix it up. Do something different because it’s going to stimulate a different part of your brain, which is, I think, exciting. And it’s going to recreate just the feelings of falling in love again.
Juli (12:36.91)
Do you hear that, Mike? We gotta do something different.
Erin (12:38.951)
Well, I see you and Mike a lot at the yogurt place.
Juli (12:42.872)
You know, we actually haven’t been there, I think, in like eight months.
Erin (12:47.744)
Yeah. Maybe the last time I saw you was the last time you went.
Juli (12:50.894)
I’ll tell you where you see us all the time. Our date right now is on Saturday mornings. We swim..
Erin (12:58.219)
At Lifetime?
Juli
Yes, and then we go to Modern Market for breakfast. That’s like our favorite date. It is, but I don’t want to give that up. I like it.
Erin (13:03.076)
Oh, that’s a good one.
Greg (13:06.714)
Well, don’t give that up because we’re just saying mix it up. Okay a little bit I think the other big value of a date not only are you enjoying each other but you’re also you can use that time to Keep updating keep current with your spouse and and and I would argue that I think that’s even the most important part of why we go out on a date, is that we’ve got a lot going on? We have a lot of seasons, we have a lot happening and Erin is always changing. And that’s a beautiful part of it.
Erin (13:41.984)
Uh, you change too.
Juli (13:42.99)
Women change more than men though, I think.
Erin (13:45.582)
He changes though too.
Greg (13:45.848)
We are both changing. I mean, from as simple as, we’ve had some health problems with our 16 year old son. So even that reality has set into motion, maybe that Erin needs some different things from me right now. And if I’m committed to staying current, staying updated, it forces me then to ask questions. Hey, as we’re going through all these health problems, what, what can I be doing for what do you need for me? How can I best love you? How can I serve you? And in in that’s the power of a date night is because when you’re driving when you’re sitting at the what you call mod…
Juli (14:26.633)
Modern market. You’ve never been there?
Greg
I probably have.
Erin (14:29.546)
He has. He just doesn’t remember. That’s why he has me. I remind him of things.
Greg (14:34.624)
You guys probably aren’t gonna talk when you’re swimming. No. on the drive over, on the drive back, at the restaurant. Those are great opportunities just to check in what’s going on. To investigate the inner life. Yeah. The biggest rule, we’ve made two rules for date nights. We’re not gonna argue, so it has to be argue free.
Juli (14:55.118)
Okay, so yeah, like what do you do if you’re on date night, and usually what happens when you’re getting ready for a date night is somebody’s running late or you know, one of the kids has meltdown and you start date night or date morning with yeah like with already irritated at each other and then you can’t agree on what restaurant to go to. So what do do to make sure that doesn’t turn into an argument?
Greg (15:19.212)
We literally have made that a very obvious rule that we’re not gonna deal with our kids with problems. We’re not gonna administrate our marriage. We’re gonna talk budget. This is a time for us to have fun and to stay updated and get reacquainted. And so we’ll put that stuff off. That stuff will be there. So we choose not to talk about it.
Juli (15:40.642)
I mean, I think some of it
Erin (15:41.646)
Those children will still be there when we get back.
Juli
They will. The problems will still be there.
Greg (15:46.062)
Your bank account will still, go down lower depending on what you do.
Juli (15:49.07)
The account will be there, the money might not be. I guess, you know, one question is: you guys are a lot of fun. And Greg, you in particular have that lighthearted nature that can bring up fun stuff.
Erin (16:02.572)
I’m fun too.
Juli
I know you’re fun too, but there’s always one person in the marriage that’s more serious.
Erin (16:08.375)
No I-
Greg (16:08.974)
Your husband is seriously one the funniest people I know…
Erin (16:10.84)
Yes.
Juli
He is really funny.
Erin (16:11.31)
Yeah, I agree. Greg and Mike are funny.
Juli (16:14.862)
If it were up to me, I would seriously not know how to have fun on a date. Like, what is that? What do you actually talk about that’s fun? And Mike helps me a lot with that, but there are couples that really struggle with, if we don’t talk about work, if we don’t talk about kids, if we don’t talk about conflict, what in the world are we gonna talk about?
Greg (16:33.646)
Okay, so the way that, oh you haven’t, will you jump in?
Erin (16:38.214)
Yeah. One of our favorite things to do is to reminisce, to think back to the early days and to talk about funny things that have happened, funny things that have happened over the last week, interactions we’ve had. It’s just fun to think back and remember this is who we are and where we’ve come from. And you know what? We’re pretty good together. And that is fun to just to laugh and shoot the breeze about things we’ve been through. And we really enjoy that.
Juli (17:11.48)
What was your last date?
Erin (17:14.945)
Going to the hospital?
Juli (17:16.649)
That does not count.
Greg
So when we say…
Erin (17:19.36)
You’re just staying in the hospital cafeteria? Because now I have a credit line?
Greg (17:23.177)
I would argue that dates are either going to be formal. Like when we do this theater, Broadway theater series that comes through, that’s our formal date. We know it’s gonna happen four or five times. But most of our dates are very informal. Like we have shows that we tape and we’ll sit down and watch together. There’ll be times we’ll just go out to have a meal together. We’ll go out to shop, we’ll go.
Erin (17:45.654)
Or even Monday, we had both had a free hour at work, so we walked down to the cafeteria at work and got our salads and we came back up and sat at his desk and we just chatted, shot the breeze about life and ate our salads. And you know what, that was a connecting point. That was a time that I heard how he was doing, he heard how I was doing and we just connected.
Greg (18:08.2)
So have fun, whatever that’s going to look like, but also use it as a time just to stay updated. And that means you’re asking each other questions. But again, the rule is we’re not going to administrate our marriage. You can’t talk budget and to-do lists and schedules.
Juli
Do you check each other on that?
Erin (18:29.87)
You know, he’s good with checking me if I’m on my cell phone and my eyes are down and the kids are texting. He’ll say, hey, we’re on a date. And I’ll be like, that’s right. And I put it away.
Greg (18:42.262)
They’ll still be home when we get there whatever their problem is.
Erin
Or if there’s an issue that we’ve been disagreeing on and I’ll bring it up, he’ll be like, no, we’re on our date. I’m like, all right. And that issue is still going to be there when we get home. So it’s okay to set that aside. We’re not avoiding it, but we’re just setting it aside for this time period.
Greg (18:58.882)
Go online. Literally, we use an app of conversation-starters for couples. You can go online and I’m telling you, download those. You got 200 of them.
Juli (19:11.486)
We do that too.
Greg
We do as well.
Juli
Because you forget what new questions to ask. It’s like I’ve lived with you for 23 years. What possibly could I ask you? But those conversation starters can really help just bring new conversation.
Greg (19:26.986)
You don’t want to do that. I asked Erin one time. Okay. Since asking each other questions is important. I’m not this clever. I’m not that creative. What would I ask you? And she said, well, I got four and in my mind, I’m thinking, think about it. Pray about it. She’s like, if I think how many do you want, I’ll come up with 10. I what I can. Yeah. I can handle four. So she said, ask me how I’m feeling. So how am I doing emotionally? Ask me how things are going between me and the kids, not from a administrative standpoint, but just a relational standpoint. Ask me how things are going between me and my friends, and then ask me one thing that God’s been teaching me as of late.
Juli (20:09.73)
Those are good questions.
Greg
I know.
Erin
I know, I came up with them just like that.
Greg (20:14.126)
All I ever had to remember are those four.
Juli (20:15.269)
We need an Erin Smalley app.
Greg
Yea, but I have had to, I have to switch them up because if you, if I say, how are doing emotionally, that that’ll dominate, which is fine.
Erin (20:26.99)
Cause I can talk a lot about my emotions.
Greg (20:29.494)
And that’s beautiful, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m just saying sometimes I say, what’s God been teaching you?
Erin (20:33.622)
He’s learned to say that’s beautiful. That’s taken 25 years, but…
Greg (20:37.134)
It is beautiful.
Juli
All right, I wanna ask you some real practical questions related to objections that people would have why they don’t go on date nights. And if you can kind of just do like a rapid fire, here’s what I’d tell that person. You got a family, young family with three or four kids, they are exhausted. The kids are high maintenance because of their ages. They don’t have the money for a babysitter. They’re just in survival mode. And date night sounds amazing, but it’s just not a reality right now.
Erin (21:09.886)
I would say find a way. Make it a priority, even when you’re exhausted. Go out for an hour. Do something. Trade off with another family who is in the same boat because believe me, they need it as much as you do. So many couples will think, we can set our marriage aside. You know, when our kids are older, when our kids, A) you need to feed this marriage each and every day. And so do that. Figure out a way, you know, be creative in how you can do this.
Maybe you have family in town, a neighbor, someone who you trust to watch the kids. But then the other thing that’s really cool is that then you begin modeling for your kids that even though life is crazy right now, and we’re exhausted, we prioritize our marriage. Marriage is important. Marriage is valuable. And you’re sending that message to your kids. And what a great message to be sending to your kids.
Juli (21:59.746)
So you would even say to that couple maybe don’t feel like the bar is really high with every week if you can even get out once or twice a month or even put the kids to bed to bed early and have a date night.
Erin (22:12.366)
Yes, yes, absolutely. Watch a funny movie. something that you enjoy. Have a candlelight dinner at home. Whatever it is for you. You know the…
Greg (22:21.678)
Go snuggle, you might be so tired you just wanna lay in bed together. mean, it’s the same as sex. I mean, if you wait to have sex until everything is perfect and you feel like it, we have a very sexless culture, which we kind of do already. I mean, sometimes you just do it and realize, wow, okay, yeah, this is great and I’m glad we just did it.
Juli (22:44.59)
I knew you’d work that topic into it somehow.
Erin
Well we are…
Juli
You are on Java with Juli with Dr. Juli Slattery.
Greg (22:53.4)
It hadn’t been brought up yet.
Juli (22:53.87)
Hey, I was waiting for you. All right. So, objection number two is we’ve tried date night and every time we go out, my husband is not a talker. He’s exhausted. We have nothing to talk about. It’s just not worth it. It’s just, we don’t find it being something that enriches our marriage. We just get frustrated with each other.
Greg (23:18.67)
I would say to the person that you’re maybe thinking about it only in one way, it’s not what you do per se, it’s just the fact that you guys are out doing something. So maybe look to see what his interests are. Maybe he’s more of a hiker, a fisherman, a whatever, and incorporate some of that. Because I imagine her desires, I just want to connect with my husband. So what you do, there’s benefit to doing some new things.
But I would just try some different things and download some of these questions. Because we get it. mean, Erin and I teach on this all the time. And we love opening up that app and just reading through questions. Because to your point, there’s just things that I never would have thought to ask. That’s a really great question. We stay current that way. So try something different.
Erin (24:12.62)
We were laughing one night we were out and we had this one particular app and we’re like these questions are really good and we scrolled down and it’s at the very bottom it said written by Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley and we’re like we wrote these wow yay us.
Juli (24:27.886)
That’s really weird.
Greg (24:29.87)
Couldn’t figure out why. It’s good to know. We use it. hopefully your hearing is going as much as we value communication and just keeping updated. We need help as well. So you don’t have to figure all this out on your own. There are so many good resources out there that’ll give you some great conversation starters. I love one of my very favorite songs. Remember the old group Journey?
They had great song called Faithfully. There’s a line, and I’ve never forgotten this line and I’ve really tried to make it a part of how I do marriage. And the line says, I get the joy of rediscovering you. And that’s what Erin’s experience with me to feel like, that I truly get joy of rediscovering her again and again and again over and over and over. And that requires that you’re curious and interested and you’ve got some tool to help you have some questions to get at some of what’s going on with her now in this new season.
Juli (25:31.586)
Yeah, good, cool. Here’s another objection. And I’m guessing that you guys experienced this earlier in marriage. I know that I did with my husband. Expectations. So the expectations would be that my husband should plan some fun date. I don’t always want to be the one initiating dates. Why do I always have to be the one getting the babysitter? I expect him to be invested in it too.
And he has expectations of me in terms of what a date should include. And so I think early in marriage, date night kind of gets derailed because we’re disappointed that it’s not what we thought it would be or that the other person doesn’t seem as invested.
Erin (26:14.294)
And the truth is date nights aren’t always gonna go perfectly. They’re not always gonna. Really go perfectly. Isn’t that the truth? I was just thinking about when we, we just had our 25th wedding anniversary and we were so excited because we planned a trip and we were just working up to getting to go on this trip. And we got on our first flight and we were in the San Francisco airport and we thought, hey, let’s start off our trip and we’re gonna eat breakfast out. And so I had this really nice, what was it?
Greg (26:45.358)
Crab.
Erin (26:45.597)
Crab eggs benedict. so I was like, oh, what a perfect way to start our trip. So we boarded our flight and we were flying internationally. And so eight hours into our flight, I was like, oh, Greg, I don’t think I feel very good. And the crazy thing is when we got on the plane, there was a guy who walked on with his own individualized high-end throw up bag. So he started throwing up before we even took off.
Greg (27:11.34)
By the way, I’m in the middle of Erin and this man.
Juli
No way.
Erin (27:14.37)
Yes.
Juli
In the middle? I told you, your life is a sitcom.
Greg (27:15.456)
So at some point I had throw up in stereo.
Erin (27:18.574)
So I woke up and I was like my stomach and I hear him throw up so I start throwing up and I literally am throwing up and handing the blue bag that I’ve never used for its actual purpose and filling them and handing them to Greg. I don’t even know where he’s taking them.
Greg (27:31.274)
I’m just sloshing them around, what am I supposed to do with this?
Juli (27:32.345)
Oh man, I you’re gonna make me sick right now.
Erin (27:34.926)
And that was the beginning of our 25th wedding anniversary celebration, our big date. And you know, it’s not always gonna go perfectly. So be aware of your expectations, and if you’re continuously disappointed, you know what, check your expectations. Are they realistic? Are they, you know, are your expectations too high? Are they ever gonna be fulfilled?
And you know, as far as who’s planning and you know, you’re a team, and there’s gonna be different seasons and in different seasons it’s been me planning, different seasons it’s been him planning the date. But if it really bothers you, sit down and have a conversation and make it fun. You know what, hey babe, let’s alternate. I’ll do it this week, you do it next, you know, whatever. And just, you know, make it fun and keep at it. It is worth fighting for that time together.
Juli (28:22.264)
Good advice. I got to ask you, what is the best date you guys have ever been on? And you probably have different opinions about this.
Greg (28:29.762)
One of my favorites was when I surprised her with some tickets to a musical group that we used to love in high school, came through Colorado Springs. And so I surprised her. sitting there in the theater. It’s it’s going great. I mean, here I’ve got my wife, she snuggled up to me, hearing this great music. Well, they play a song and she goes, this is my favorite song. And I went, I love this song. I forgot they sang it. I love this song. And then it was this memory flooded my brain and I had this total sense of nostalgia and went, do you remember when we were first dating? Remember the time we were driving the car? This song came on and you gave me that look. And so I pulled over like this parking lot. We just sat there and listened to the song, made out. know, and I said, do you remember that? And it was so perfect. She, she smiled and went, that’s a great memory, but that wasn’t me.
Juli (29:26.529)
Oh no, oh no.
Erin (29:27.218)
So piece of advice, if you’re going to reminisce about date nights, just make sure that your memory is tied to your spouse.
Greg (29:36.642)
So I just love it because it just yeah, I was so certain that was her, only to discover it may not have been. I’m still saying it. She’s older too, so she may remember it wrong.
Erin (29:45.262)
Some of our best date nights have been when we have done a marriage seminar and we’re in a different city and we’ll figure out, we’ll ask like, what’s the fun thing to do here? What’s the, you know, what’s the go-to?
Greg (29:57.806)
And you made me see that really sad movie that was out. And we watched this movie, it was really good. And yet it was about a dad who died in this relationship between a son and a father, just as it was the same season, my dad was dying. And so we watched this movie, it so stirred me up that we sat at a sushi restaurant as I could not stop crying. And we had this great conversation, and the poor server would come by look at me.
Erin (30:30.698)
And it was only him crying so…
Greg (30:32.686)
Like what is she doing to this poor guy? Stop being mean to him.
Erin (30:34.958)
Or how about the time we were in Canada and we had done a marriage seminar and it was my birthday that weekend. And the pastor said, I have got the perfect thing that will top all date nights. And so he surprised me and they drove us out into this, the middle of nowhere. And this guy pulls a helicopter out of his garage.
Juli
Wow
Erin
And we got to go on a helicopter ride. It was awesome.
Juli
Did you throw up?
Erin
I did not throw up.
Juli (31:03.245)
I would have.
Erin (31:04.753)
Or some of our other fave, my other favorites are when we hike a 14er together that it just, is, I mean that is challenging and I may have thrown up several times but.
Greg (31:16.334)
That’s one of our annual adventures. we all we we we try to have We do something every week. So it doesn’t mean we go out formally We just may watch a show together. So we try to do something every week, but then every year we call it an annual adventure And we’ll pick something usually we’ll pick a 14-er and go a 14 000 foot mountain to climb here in Colorado and we do that together This last one was disastrous by the way, remember you got sick
Juli (31:39.138)
That’s a great date. That’s right up my alley.
Erin (31:44.75)
I did get sick. Yet we summited two and yeah, was between the first and the second, it was not good. I was so sick and I was begging people on the trail for ibuprofen.
Juli (31:57.07)
You just sound like a sickie.
Erin
I am a mess. Holy cow. I am not always sick. Definitely not.
Juli (32:02.83)
Erin is not always sick.
Greg (32:07.256)
Even when she’s sick, she fully functions, so she’s tough.
Erin (32:10.976)
Except last week.
Juli (32:13.998)
Well, here’s the takeaway. Date night or day is a great way to invest in your marriage and it’s a lot more fun than counseling. So that will be my answer.
Erin (32:27.662)
That’s pretty straightforward.
Greg
A little more expensive.
Erin
Yes, yeah, for sure.
Juli (32:35.32)
Whether your dates look like a fancy night out, a walk around the block, or eating leftovers together after the kids have gone to bed, the point is this, your marriage is worth it. Even small, simple moments of intentional time can make a big difference over the long haul. So your takeaway today is this: don’t wait for the perfect season, start right where you are. Be consistent, be creative, and keep showing up for your spouse.
We’ll link to some of Greg and Erin’s marriage resources in our show notes. And as always, head to authenticintimacy.com to find blogs, videos, and more podcast episodes like this one to help you build authentic intimacy in your marriage. Thanks for listening, and I look forward to having coffee with you next time on Java with Juli.