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While it may be the case that many people view marriage as a periphery issue, Juli’s guest, pastor John McGee, argues that the way we love one another in marriage is one of the ways in which our faith is truly evident — “Marriage teaches us about the gospel, and the gospel teaches us about marriage.” Tune in to today’s episode of Java with Juli to discover some of what is missing in common teaching on marriage, and how leaning into the truth of the gospel equips us to love better, not just in marriage, but in all our relationships.   Guest: John McGee   John’s Instagram: @johnkmcgee John’s Twitter: @johnmcgee Website: Re|Engage Book: God, Sex, and Your Marriage by Dr. Juli Slattery Blog Post: What's the Purpose of Marriage? Java with Juli:  #430 Marriage Can Be Hard, Here's Why the Work Is Worth It Check out our Spanish resources here!   Image by Gus Moretta via Unsplash

Mi esposo recien habia regresado a la casa con nuestro hijo menor después de un fin de semana fuera para una charla sobre el sexo. Christian, con once años en ese momento, tímidamente me dijo, “Mamá, me siento demasiado joven para saber todas estas cosas sobre el sexo.” Le hice saber que lo entendía diciendole, “Sé como te sientes, pero papá y yo queremos hablarte sobre el sexo antes de que lo aprendas de tus amigos o lo que ves en las peliculas.” Christian salió a jugar pero regresó después de unas horas con una observación. “Mamá, he estado pensando. Con la manera en que va el mundo, cuando tenga mis propios hijos, tendré que tener esta charla con ellos cuando tengan cuatro años.” Eso fue hace como diez años, y las palabras de mi hijo han sido comprobadas. Ahora más que nunca, tienes que estar hablando con tus hijos sobre el sexo. En mi generación, nuestros padres no dijeron nada. Hace diez años, llevamos a los preadolescentes a un lugar apartado por un fin de semana, esperando que eso fuera suficiente. Hoy, necesitamos un diálogo continuo con nuestros hijos empezando cuando tienen 3 o 4 años. La cultura en general está ansiosa por hablarles a tus hijos sobre el sexo. Aún en los programas preescolares, tus hijos están absorbiendo mensajes sobre qué significa ser hombre o mujer y el propósito del amor y la sexualidad. Los temas sobre la sexualidad hoy son también temas de cómo ves al mundo. Lo que crees sobre el sexo estará enraizado en lo que crees sobre Dios y lo que significa prosperar como seres humanos. Por eso es tan crítico que entables intencionalmente conversaciones con tus hijos sobre el sexo. Quieres enseñarles primero, estableciendo la estructura hermosa en la cual Dios ha creado el regalo de la sexualidad y advirtiendoles de las maneras que pueda ser distorsionado. Durante la década pasada del ministerio, me he dado cuenta que lo que realmente necesitamos no es educación sexual, sino discipulado sexual. La educación sexual enseña que pensar sobre el sexo. El discipulado sexual enseña cómo pensar sobre el sexo - es un camino continuo de aplicar la verdad de Dios a preguntas y experiencias sexuales. Es fácil decir pero puede parecer muy difícil hacer. Si te sientes que estás incursionando en un nuevo territorio en tu propia familia, probablemente es así. La preocupación más grande de tus padres podría haber sido que no tuvieras sexo como adolescente. Ellos nunca imaginaron tener conversaciones contigo sobre la pornografia, intercambios de mensajes con desnudez, ideología de genero, o deseos por el mismo sexo. Tan intimidante como navegar estas aguas puede sentirse, ¡puedes hacerlo! Tus hijos no solamente necesitan que les hables del sexo, ellos lo quieren. Aquí está la buena noticia. Tus hijos no saben que es incomodo hablar del sexo a menos que tú lo hagas incomodo. Independientemente de tu experiencia creciendo, puedes crear un entorno donde hablar sobre el sexo puede ser normal, alentador, y empoderante. Se intencional sobre las conversaciones según la etapa de vida Si no eres intencional al hablar con tus hijos sobre el sexo, puede pasar que nunca lo hagas. Nunca sentirás que son suficientemente mayores y que estás suficientemente preparado. Tu hijo necesita aprender que nuestros cuerpos, incluyendo nuestros genitales, fueron la idea de Dios. Él los creó con la capacidad de experimentar gran placer, pero esto también significa que ellos tienen el potencial para ser la fuente de vulnerabilidad y dolor. Dios creó el sexo y el genero para mostrarnos la importancia de la intimidad, de ser conocido. El deseo sexual es la manera en que nuestro cuerpo nos dice que no fuimos creados para hacer la vida solo. Tu misión es comunicar estas verdades a lo largo de la infancia con lenguaje específico a su edad. Edades 3-4 años A los niños en edad preescolar les encanta descubrir- incluyendo sus cuerpos. Sin vergüenza, ellos se tocan cada parte de ellos mismos, regresando a áreas que son placenteras y cómodas. Esta es exploración normal y no lo que se puede ser considerado toque “sexual.” En general, ignorar o redirección suave es la mejor forma de abordarlo cuando esto ocurre. Cuando enseñas a tus hijos en esta etapa, empieza con la bondad de cómo Dios creó nuestros cuerpos, incluyendo las partes específicas que les dio a niños y niñas. Puede parecer incorrecto usar palabras como “pene” y “vagina” con un niño de cuatro años, pero la mayoría de expertos están de acuerdo que usar términos apropiados es mejor que usar nombres tontos como “pipi” o “cosita." Puedes iniciar enseñando sobre el matrimonio y de donde vienen los bebés, a través de libros con dibujos que proveen lenguaje apropiado para preescolares. Edades 5-8 años A pesar de que psicólogos del desarrollo en un momento llamaron este periodo la etapa latente (lo cual significa que no es probable que los niños esten pensando en el sexo), desafortunadamente la cultura moderna introduce temas sexuales a los niños de edad escolar. Tus hijos pueden volverse curiosos observando o pueden ser expuestos a temas sexuales a través de amigos o los medios de comunicación. Quieres ser intencional sobre ser el lugar donde tu hijo traiga todas sus preguntas. Haces esto al continuar iniciando conversaciones sobre el amor, el matrimonio, la sexualidad, y el género. También tienes que alertar a tu hijo sobre las maneras que el buen regalo del sexo puede ser distorcionado. Esta es la etapa para empezar hablar con tu hijo o hija (siempre con lenguaje apropiado para su edad) sobre la pornografia y toque inapropiado.  Mi amiga Francie Winslow, una madre de seis niños pequeños, encontró una manera creativa y divertida para recordar a sus hijos sobre la bondad del diseño de Dios para nuestros cuerpos a través de canciones y rimas que ella ha escrito. Edades 9-14 años Si acaso tus padres te hablaron sobre el sexo, probablemente lo hicieron cuando entraste a la adolescencia. En esta etapa de desarrollo, los niños tienen que ser preparados para entender los cambios de sus cuerpos y cómo lidiar con los deseos sexuales y experiencias. Esta debería ser una temporada de muchas y específicas conversaciones, enseñando a tu hijo sobre los elementos biológicos, emocionales, y espirituales de la sexualidad y al mismo tiempo invitarlo a hacer preguntas y dialogar. Hay mucho que cubrir durante esta temporada de la paternidad, así que no trates de abarcar todo lo que quieres decir a tu hijo o hija en una conversación o aún en un fin de semana. Aunque puede ser maravilloso tener un tiempo especial aparte con su hijo, no hagas que eso sea el único momento en que le hables del sexo. Si tienes un hijo preadolescente o adolescente, considera tener una cita semanal o mensual. Un padre discipuló a su hijo con “la Biblia y una torta” cada viernes en la mañana. Una mamá tuvo conversaciones continuas con su hija con una salida mensual después de la escuela. Estos recursos mencionados abajo pueden ayudar a estructurar las conversaciones.    Edades 15 y mayores Para cuando tu hijo esté entre la mitad y el final del adolescencia, podrías sentir que tu trabajo hablando sobre el sexo ya terminó. Desafortunadamente, la mayoría de las conversaciones entre los padres y los adolescentes sobre el sexo incluyen negociar límites o consequencias. Esta es una de las razones por lo cual es crítico mantenerse involucrado en conversaciones positivas con tu adolescente sobre el sexo. Tu adolescente aún está aprendiendo, absorbiendo los mensajes del mundo, y necesitando aprender de tu sabiduría y guía. Niños de esta edad quieren discutir sobre sus ideas, no solamente escuchar las tuyas. En vez de enseñar, piensa en entrenar y guiar en tus conversaciones. Cuando pongas límites, explícales el porqué. Ayuda a tu adolescente a desarrollar sus habilidades de pensamiento crítico para que un día pronto tome decisiones independientes. En esta etapa también puede ser apropiado compartir con tu adolescente lo que has aprendido a través de tu propio camino sexual–tus remordimientos y lo que Dios te ha estado enseñando. Busca momentos para enseñar La vida te presenta oportunidades regulares para hablar sobre el sexo. Mientras navegas por la vida diaria, tus hijos pueden hacer preguntas inocentes sobre como un bebe llega a la panza de su mamá, porque tenemos límites al ducharnos y con la desnudez, y porque mamá y papá se besan. Una salida al zoológico o una finca local puede generar conversaciones naturales sobre de dónde vienen los bebés. A medida que los niños crecen, los momentos para enseñar aún existen. Un líder cristiano es infiel a su esposa. Un primo se identifica como no binario. Las noticias gritan sobre alegaciones de abuso sexual de alto perfil. Las circunstancias como estas nos obligan a lidiar con preguntas sobre la integridad sexual, el quebrantamiento, y empatía. Estas son las conversaciones que pueden fomentar un discipulado verdadero–no solamente memorizando una lista de reglas, sino la trayectoria de caminar con Jesús en cada área de la vida. Los momentos para enseñar pueden ser lo más efectivo cuando empiezas con preguntas, no sólo respuestas. Las preguntas te dan la oportunidad de medir lo que tu niño o adolescente realmente sabe y pueden generar un enfoque reflexivo. Por ejemplo, puedes responder a la pregunta de un niño joven sobre de dónde vienen los bebés con, “¿Cómo crees que tú llegaste a mi panza?” Con un niño mayor o adolescente, escucha mucho antes de hablar. Quieres animar a tu hijo a compartir sus pensamientos, comunicándole que eres una persona segura para preguntar.  Tengo un hijo a quien le gusta hablar y procesar en voz alta. A veces paso una hora o más escuchando antes de empezar a compartir mis pensamientos. Para él, el hecho de que lo escuche hace que las palabras que hablo sean más personales y poderosas.  Mantente preparado para los desafíos Guiar a tus hijos hacia la integridad sexual no es un examen de pasar o reprobar, ni para ti ni para ellos. Es un camino desordenado para muchos niños y sus padres. Más probable, tus hijos estarán expuestos a la pornografia. Tu hijo o hija puede luchar con confusión de género o un deseo por el mismo sexo. Tu hijo puede participar en mensajería que incluye imágenes sexuales o experimentar sexualmente con un compañero. Solo imaginar estas posibilidades puede sentirse intimidante. Es entendible que quieres hacer todo lo que puedas para proteger a tus hijos. Sin embargo, también tienes que prepararlos para caminar en el campo de minas de la sexualidad en nuestro día y cultura. Eso significa el potencial para luchar. Algunas de las mejores conversaciones que he tenido con mis hijos sobre el sexo han sido en medio de los desafios y fracasos. El corazón del cristianismo no es una lista de cosas sexuales para hacer y no hacer, sino un mensaje del amor de Dios para nosotros. Como un padre, eres el ejemplo más cercano de ese amor para tus hijos. Cuando experimentamos dificultades y cuando pecamos, Dios está con nosotros, proveyendo comodidad y dirección. Tenemos que poder hacer esto para nuestros hijos, especialmente cuando luchan y a veces tropiezan. Aunque no puedes estar preparado para cada situación posible que puedes enfrentar en este camino, puedes decidir como quieres responder. Recuerdas que la relación importa. Independientemente de lo que tu hijo pueda haber hecho, visto, o experimentado, tu hijo necesita saber que nada impactará tu amor por él o ella. Debe haber un tiempo para enseñar y poner límites, pero guiar con amor y reafirmación. Servimos a un Dios quien nos ha prometido nunca dejarnos solos. Él perdona nuestros pecados y redime nuestra angustia. Aunque nunca modelaras perfectamente el amor de Dios como un padre, puedes ser testigo de cómo Él te ha encontrado en tus propias luchas y fracasos. Aunque tus padres pueden haber temido o evitado hablar contigo sobre el sexo, tienes la oportunidad para cambiar la narrativa con tus propios hijos. Piénsalo así: hablar con tus hijos sobre el sexo no es solamente hablar con ellos sobre el sexo. A través de muchas conversaciones que puedes tener con tus hijos, tienes la oportunidad de enseñarles sobre el amor, el deseo, la intimidad, la verdad, y la gracia. Vivimos en un mundo difícil lleno con nuevos desafíos que también presentan nuevas oportunidades para descubrir y marcar la bondad de Dios en los corazones de la próxima generación.   Recursos en Español: Birds and Bees Online Course (Subtítulos de video en inglés y español) Libro: 25 Preguntas que temes hacer acerca del amor, el sexo y la intimidad   Foto de Juliane Liebermann en Unsplash

Over the past decade, I have physically stood in front of more than 100,000 people to teach on sexuality. It is literally my job to talk about sex. But here’s a little secret. The most difficult conversations I have had about sex have been with my own children. It has been easier for me to stand in front of thousands of strangers than to talk to my own children about this topic. You keep hearing that you need to talk to your kids about sex. With each passing day the issues become more pressing. Yet there are understandable reasons why you have procrastinated or stuttered your way through awkward conversations with your children. While talking about sex with kids is not easy for most parents, it is perhaps one of the most crucial elements of discipleship in this generation. It’s time to name and overcome the barriers that keep you from engaging in the conversation. In this article, we will look at five of the most common barriers to healthy parent-child conversations about sexuality. Hopefully, even reading them will help you realize that you are not alone!   #1 - The problem: You don’t know how. Even if you have been married and sexually active for decades, talking about sex is different than doing it. Unfortunately, we don’t often hear sex discussed in a helpful, honest, and edifying way. The words you have been taught to use when talking about sex tend to be either overly scientific or crass. If you’ve never (or rarely) engaged in healthy conversations about sex, it’s understandably difficult to initiate them. Most of us avoid doing things we don’t think we can do well. This is why barrier #1 is perhaps the most common one.   The solution: I wish you could have seen me twenty years ago the first time I spoke publicly about sex. I had hives on my neck, sweat poured down my armpits, and my voice shook. Now, I can address the most sensitive or vulnerable sexual issue without any anxiety. Why? Lots of practice. As obvious as it sounds, you learn to talk about sex by talking about sex. No, you don’t have to become a public speaker or podcaster. Here are a few practical ways you can become comfortable talking about sex: Listen to podcasts that model healthy conversations about sex (see resources below). Read informative and sound Christian books on sexuality outloud. Why is it important to read them outloud? Because you get used to saying words and phrases that would normally make you blush. Even reading a children’s book about babies, bodies, and sex can help with this. Rely on external resources as tools to begin conversations with your kids. The resource initiates and guides the conversation for you. You will find a list of recommended resources in the first blog in this series. Don’t wait until you are an expert. It’s okay if you don’t have the perfect response to every question or always use the right words. We always walk before we run, and some things are so important, they are worth doing imperfectly.   #2 - The problem: You’re afraid of hurting them. Many Christian parents today grew up learning about God and sex in the framework of only abstinence education and purity culture. Throughout the past decade, we have learned how incomplete teaching on God and sex can lead to shame, unrealistic expectations, and sexual dysfunction. Even if you want to teach your children that God has a design for sexuality, you may struggle to do that in a way that doesn’t come out as “just save sex for marriage.” The questions and struggles facing today’s children require parents to tackle significant issues around gender, identity, sin, and grace. At stake here is more than just sexual choices, but how a child understands and develops their identity and broader worldview. How do you accomplish this without repeating the harm you may have experienced growing up or getting it wrong in some other way?   The solution: Ask God for wisdom. While we might be caught by surprise with what’s happening in our world, God is not. He loves your child and intimately knows the struggles he or she is facing. Many times as I was on my knees praying for one of my children, the Lord gave me words for a conversation or brought my attention to something I needed to address. God loves to give us wisdom when we ask Him for it! Stay in a posture of learning. Part of how God answers our prayers is by providing resources through His people. Seek a community of other parents who are asking the same questions. Take advantage of books, podcasts, and ministries that are on the front lines of tackling sexual issues. Remember, if (and when) you say the wrong thing, humility is one of the most powerful traits we can model for our children. I know parents who are having healing conversations with their adult children, correcting and apologizing for things they said or didn’t say when their children were young.   #3 - The problem: You don’t want to see your child as sexual. Most of us are not conscious of this reason for avoiding sexual conversation, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real! There is a natural barrier for most parents in thinking of their children as sexual creatures. I’ve heard from hundreds of moms over the years who panic when their daughter rubs against a pillow to fall asleep or their four-year-old son has an erection. While these are not the same expressions of sexuality as teenagers experiencing those sensations, your young child has sexual organs that respond to touch. That’s a horrifying thought for some parents. And so we make up names for a child’s genitals instead of using anatomically correct terms not to spare our children, but because we can’t bring ourselves to think of our children as sexual. Add to that, parents understandably want to keep their children’s innocence as long as possible.  As one parent said, “I’m afraid that if I tell my twelve year old what sex is, that will put ideas in her head.” Another mom told me, “If I tell my son about sex, I’m terrified that he will figure out what we are doing when we lock our bedroom door!”   The solution: One of the reasons we have such difficulty thinking of our children as sexual is that for most of us, sexuality represents something shameful. God designed our sexuality as a beautiful part of our humanity with the capacity to experience deep intimacy and connection. Your child can be both sexual and innocent. The book of Song of Solomon repeats this phrase, “Do not awaken love before it is time.” The assumption is that our sexuality is in a dormant stage until it is aroused or awakened. We have a culture that constantly aims at awakening a child or teen’s sexuality. As a parent, you want to do everything you can to delay this type of arousal or awakening. But the reality is that sexuality is awakened in our day and age far before marriage is even a possibility. Like it or not, your goal is to help your child steward, not deny, their sexuality. You do this by helping your child understand the beauty of the gift of sexuality and giving guidance on how to respond when they experience that awakening too soon.   #4 - The problem: It’s too personal. There are very few places that feel appropriate talking about sexuality. One of my biggest hurdles to overcome as a marriage counselor was learning to ask couples about their sex life. It just felt voyeuristic or wrong. Yet, how could I help couples in this particular area of marriage if I was too reserved to talk about it? You might avoid talking to your kids about sex because it feels like it is violating an invisible boundary. There absolutely should be boundaries in how we honor sexuality in families. As children grow, it’s appropriate to have respect for each other’s bodies and how we talk to one another. But that is not the same thing as avoiding honest conversations about sexual things.   The solution: Imagine what life was like 150 years ago (and still is today in many parts of the world). People lived on farms where animals copulated, and having babies was a normal part of life. Families lived in a one or two room house where there was very little privacy. A husband and wife might be separated by a burlap curtain from the rest of the family. Sex was understood as a natural part of life, but it still could be considered private and sacred. We live in a society today where sex is everywhere, but presented in a sordid pursuit of self-fulfillment. Never or rarely do children learn about sex being something beautiful between a husband and wife. They don’t witness sex as a normal part of creation or an element of our humanity that can be discussed with honesty, candor, and dignity. A recent study revealed that over seventy percent of couples struggle to talk about sex. The roots of that struggle for most people go back to a childhood filled with silence, awkwardness, and shame. While you may have grown up with sex being something too private or embarrassing to talk about, you don’t have to pass that message to your children. You can have very honest and regular conversations with your children without compromising the privacy and sacredness of sex.   #5 - The problem: You have your own baggage.  Helping your child navigate sexuality is going to bring up your own sexual journey… your questions, your fears, your regrets, and potentially your shame. Even reading through this blog, you may feel a knot in your stomach or a tightness in your shoulders. Many of us avoid sexual conversations with our children because we don’t want to acknowledge our current struggles or revisit our own sexual history. The vast majority of adults harbor deep questions and wounds surrounding sexuality. Pain from trauma and betrayal. Shame from secret struggles, past experiences, or unbalanced religious teaching. Nagging questions about God’s goodness and whether or not the Bible is a trustworthy guide on sexual issues. Maybe you fear your daughter will ask you about your own sexual past or that your son will ask a question that you haven’t yet sorted through. If any of this describes you, you are not alone! As a whole, the Church has not historically been a safe place for people to bring sexual questions, struggles, and wounds. As a result, many of us are trying to disciple our children without ever getting the help and insights we need in our own discipleship journey.   The solution: The pressing importance of talking to your kids about sex could actually be a catalyst for you to grow in your own journey. In truth, we can’t walk with our children further than we ourselves have gone. If there are wounds or shame that you’ve buried for years, now may be the time to pursue healing. If sex within your marriage is a sore point, get the help you need. If you are unsure of what God’s heart is for struggles like masturbation, pornography, or gender confusion, don’t avoid the conversation. Dig into resources that can help you gain wisdom. A sexual education model makes us believe that we no longer need to learn about sex as adults. However, a discipleship model reminds us that we are always on a journey in pursuit of truth and deeper surrender to the life-changing love of God. We as parents should also be in learning mode as we navigate the challenges of our current age and as we sort through our own sexual stories. Our children will need to be courageous in navigating the sexual climate of this generation. To equip them, we also must have courage… the courage to break past the barriers that silence us.   Java with Juli: #460 How To Have Mini and Many Conversations About Sexuality With Your Kids Java with Juli: #449 How to Guide Your Kids Through Confusing Messages About Gender Java with Juli: #404: How To Help Your Kids Think About Sex From a Christian Worldview Mama Bear Apologetics Podcast Heaven in Your Home Podcast

Is there a difference between a bad relationship and a harmful one? How can you spot the difference, both in your own relationships and those of your friends and family? Join Juli and Dr. David Clarke as they discuss how to recognize abuse patterns of behavior, how to set boundaries, and when necessary, how to get out and create safety elsewhere.   Guest: Dr. David Clarke Website: davideclarkephd.com/ Book: Enough is Enough: A Step-by-Step Plan to Leave an Abusive Relationship with God's Help Focus on The Family Christian Counselors Network Java with Juli: #372 How To Recognize Domestic Abuse Blog: How Do I Know If I'm in an Abusive Relationship?   Image by Cheron James via Unsplash

If you’re a husband or wife who finds sex dull or monotonous, it may be time for you to revisit the way God designed marital sex. The truth is that God desires for you to enjoy building sexual intimacy with your spouse, not just endure it. In this podcast episode, Juli and guest Dr. Jennifer Degler talk about how God has given the gift of sexual play to couples, and the practical (and fun!) ways you can connect with your spouse.   Guest: Dr. Jennifer Degler Jennifer’s Instagram: @drjenniferdegler Jennifer’s Websites: jenniferdegler.com cwives.com marrieddance.com Book: authenticintimacy.com/god-sex-and-your-marriage-workbook Java with Juli: #234 We Can Do THAT in the Bedroom? Blog: What's OK in the Bedroom?   Image by Ronny Sison via Unsplash

My husband had just returned home with our youngest son after a weekend away for the sex talk. Christian, eleven at the time, sheepishly told me, “Mom, I feel like I’m too young to know all these things about sex.”  I reassured him, “I know how you feel, but Dad and I want to tell you about sex before you learn about it from your friends or what you see in movies.”  Christian went off to play but returned a few hours later with an observation. “Mom, I’ve been thinking. The way the world is going, when I have my own kids, I’m going to have to have this talk with them when they are like four years old.”  That was about ten years ago, and my son’s words have proven true. Now more than ever, you need to be talking to your kids about sex. In my generation, our parents said nothing. Ten years ago, we took tweens away for a weekend, hoping that would be adequate. Today, we need an ongoing dialogue with our children starting when they are 3 or 4.  The culture at large is eager to talk to your children about sex. Even within preschool programming, your children are absorbing messages about what it is to be male or female and the purpose of love and sexuality.  Sexual topics today are also worldview topics. What you believe about sex will be rooted in what you believe about God and what it means to flourish as human beings. This is why it is so critical for you to intentionally engage with your children in conversations about sex. You want to teach them first, establishing the beautiful framework with which God has created the gift of sexuality and alerting them to the ways it can be distorted.   Over the past decade of ministry, I’ve realized that what we really need is not sex education but sexual discipleship. Sexual education teaches what to think about sex. Sexual discipleship teaches how to think about sex – it is the ongoing journey of applying God’s truth to sexual questions and experiences. That’s easy to say but may seem very difficult to do. If you feel like you are charting new territory within your own family, you probably are. Your parents’ greatest concern may have been that you would not have sex as a teenager. They never dreamed of having conversations with you about pornography, sexting, gender ideology, or same-sex desire.  As intimidating as navigating these waters might feel, you can do it! Your kids not only need you to talk to them about sex, they want you to.  Here is the good news. Your kids don’t know it is awkward to talk about sex unless you make it awkward. Regardless of your experience growing up, you get to set the tone that talking about sex can be normal, encouraging, and empowering.   Be intentional about life-stage conversations If you are not intentional about talking with your children about sex, you may never get around to it. You will never feel like they are old enough and you are prepared enough.  Your child needs to learn that our bodies, including our genitals, were God’s idea. He created them with the capacity to experience great pleasure, but this also means they have the potential to be the source of vulnerability and pain. God created sex and gender to show us the importance of intimacy, of being known. Sexual desire is our body's way of telling us that we were not made to do life alone. Your mission is to communicate these truths throughout childhood with age-specific language.    Ages 3-4 Preschoolers are all about discovery–including their bodies. Without shame, they touch every part of themselves, returning to areas that are pleasurable and comforting. This is normal exploration and not what you might consider “sexual” touch. In general, ignoring or gentle  redirection is the best approach when this occurs.  When you teach your child at this stage, begin with the goodness of how God created our bodies, including the specific parts He gave to boys and girls.  It may seem wrong to use words like “penis” and “vagina” with a four year old, but most experts agree that using the appropriate terms is better than using silly names like “woo woo” or “willy.” You can initiate teaching about marriage and where babies come from by using picture books that provide age-appropriate language for preschoolers (see list of resources below).   Ages 5-8 While developmental psychologists once termed this the latency stage (meaning kids are not likely to be thinking about sex), modern culture unfortunately introduces sexual themes to school-age children. Your children may become curious as they make observations or become exposed to sexual themes through friends or the media.  You want to be intentional about being the place your child brings all their questions. You do this by continuing to initiate conversations about love, marriage, sexuality and gender. You also need to alert your child about the ways that the good gift of sex can be twisted. This is the age to begin talking to your son or daughter (always with age-appropriate language) about pornography and inappropriate touch.  My friend Francie Winslow, a mother of six young children, found a creative and fun way to remind her little ones about the goodness of God’s design for our bodies through songs and raps she has written.    Ages 9-14  If your parents talked to you about sex at all, they probably did so as you entered adolescence. At this stage of development, kids need to be prepared to understand their changing bodies and how to deal with sexual desires and experiences. This should be a season of specific and many conversations teaching your child about the biological, emotional, and spiritual elements of sexuality while also inviting questions and dialogue. There is a lot to cover during this stage of parenting, so don't try to fit everything you want to tell your son or daughter into one conversation or even a weekend. While it may be wonderful to have a special time away, don’t make that the only time you talk about sex. If you have a child in the tween and early teen years, consider having a weekly or monthly date. One father discipled his son with “Bible and bagels” every Friday morning. A mom had ongoing conversations with her daughter with a monthly after-school outing. The resources below can be helpful in structuring these conversations.    Ages 15 and up By the time your child is in the mid to late teens, you might feel like your job talking about sex is done. Unfortunately, most conversations between parents and teens about sex involve negotiating boundaries or consequences. This is one of the reasons why it is critical to stay engaged in positive conversations with your teen about sex. Your teen is still learning, absorbing messages from the world, and needing to learn from your wisdom and guidance. Kids this age want to discuss their ideas, not just listen to yours. Instead of teaching, think of coaching and guiding in your conversations. When you set boundaries and limits, explain why. Help your teen develop the critical thinking skills to someday soon make independent decisions. At this stage it can also be appropriate to share with your teen what you have learned through your sexual journey–your regrets and what God has been teaching you.   Look for teachable moments Life presents you with regular opportunities to talk about sex. As you navigate daily life, your kids may ask innocent questions about how babies get in mom’s tummy, why we have boundaries with bathing and nakedness, and why mom and dad kiss. A trip to the zoo or a local farm may prompt some natural “birds and bees” conversations. As kids get older, the teachable moments are still around. A Christian leader has an affair. A cousin identifies as non-binary. Your news feed is screaming about high-profile sexual abuse allegations. Circumstances like these force us to grapple with questions about sexual wholeness, brokenness, and empathy. These are the kinds of conversations that can foster true discipleship–not just memorizing a list of rules, but the journey of walking with Jesus in every area of life.  Teachable moments can be most effective when you begin with questions, not just answers. Questions give you the opportunity to gauge what your child or teen actually knows and foster a thoughtful approach. For example, you might respond to a young child’s question about where babies come from with, “How do you think you got in my tummy?” With an older child or teenager, do a lot of listening before you start speaking. You want to encourage your child to share his or her thoughts, communicating that you're a safe person for questions.  I have one son who likes to talk and process out loud. Sometimes I will spend an hour or more listening before I ever begin sharing my thoughts. For him, my listening makes the words I speak more personal and powerful.   Be prepared for challenges Guiding your kids toward sexual wholeness is not a pass-fail test, for you or for them. It’s a messy journey for many kids and their parents. Most likely, your children will be exposed to pornography. Your son or daughter may struggle with gender confusion or same-sex desire. Your child might engage in sexting or experiment sexually with a peer.  Even imagining these possibilities may feel intimidating. You understandably want to do everything you can to protect your children. However, you also have to prepare them to walk through the minefield of sexuality in our day and culture. That means the potential for struggle.   Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my children about sex have been in the face of challenges and failures. The heart of Christianity is not a list of sexual do’s and don'ts but a message of God’s love for us. As a parent, you are the closest example of that love for your children. When we experience hardship and when we sin, God is with us, providing comfort and direction. We need to be able to do this for our children, especially as they experience struggle and sometimes stumble.  While you can’t be prepared for every possible situation you may face on this journey, you can determine how you want to respond. Remember that the relationship matters. Regardless of what your child may have done, seen, or experienced, your child needs to know that nothing will ever impact your love for him or her. There must be a time for teaching and boundaries, but lead with love and reassurance.  We serve a God who has promised never to leave us alone. He forgives our sins and redeems our heartache. While you will never perfectly model God’s love as a parent, you can be a witness to how He has met you in your own struggles and failures.  While your parents may have dreaded or avoided talking to you about sex, you get to change the narrative with your own children. Think of it this way: Talking to your kids about sex is not just talking to them about sex. Through the many conversations you may have with your children, you get to teach them about love, longing, intimacy, truth, and grace. We live in a changing world fraught with new challenges that also present new opportunities to discover and impress God’s goodness on the hearts of this next generation.   Bible-based tools to help you talk to your kids about sexuality: Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality* Birds and Bees online course God Made all of Me  by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb* God Made Babies by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb* God’s Design for Sex Series by Stan and Brenna Jones* Heaven in Your Home Family Music by Francie Winslow God's Signpost: How Marriage Points Us to God's Love by Sam Allberry* Lintball Leo’s Not-so-Stupid Questions About Your Body by Walt Larimore* Chasing Love: Sex, Love and Relationships in a Confused Culture by Sean McDowell* Conversation Kits from Axis Ministries   Follow Up Resources: Java with Juli #460 How To Have Mini and Many Conversations About Sexuality With Your Kids Java with Juli #316: Sorry Mom & Dad, the "Sex Talk" Doesn't Work (Exclusive Content)     *This is an affiliate link. AI may earn referral fees from qualifying purchases Image by Juliane Liebermann via Unsplash

Is it possible your view of singleness and marriage is less than Holy? Is it possible to find contentment, not in whether we are single or married, but in Jesus Himself? Juli and Sam Allberry discuss the dignity of singleness, finding contentment in Christ, and the key to true friendship.   Guest: Sam Allberry Sam’s Twitter: @SamAllberry Sam’s Instagram: @SamAllberry Sam’s Website: https://samallberry.com/ Book: 7 Myths About Singleness Java with Juli: #450 Breaking the Marriage Idol Book: Rethinking Sexuality

When it comes to discussions around sex, historically the church has stayed quiet. As more and more pastors, authors, and psychologists within the church begin writing and talking about sex, the challenge becomes how to make these discussions accessible, nuanced, grace-filled, and Bible-based. In this episode, Juli speaks again with author and pastor Joshua Butler, as together they examine the challenges surrounding talking about sex from within the church.     Guest: Joshua Butler Josh’s Instagram: @joshuabutlerphx Josh’s Twitter: @butlerjosh Josh’s Website: https://joshuaryanbutler.com/ Book: Beautiful Union: How God's Vision for Sex Points Us to the Good, Unlocks the True, and (Sort of) Explains Everything Java with Juli: #462 Beautiful Union: How Our Sexuality Reveals God’s Heart for Covenant Love Blog: When Cancel Culture Invades the Church   Image by Aarón Blanco Tejedor via Unsplash

What if sex and gender are not as arbitrary as many people tend to think? Is it possible that God has woven holy significance into our very DNA as gendered, sexual beings? In this episode, Juli sits down with author Joshua Butler to talk about his book, “Beautiful Union”, and the ways we can see God’s gospel message evidenced in everything from the beauty of a sunset to our own sexuality.   Guest: Joshua Butler Josh’s Instagram: @joshuabutlerphx Josh’s Twitter: @butlerjosh Josh’s Website: https://joshuaryanbutler.com/ Book: Beautiful Union: How God's Vision for Sex Points Us to the Good, Unlocks the True, and (Sort of) Explains Everything Join Juli for Second Cup Java with Juli: #313 The Greatest Love Story Blog Post: What's the Purpose of Your Sexuality, Really?     Image by Tom Allport via Unsplash

This is potentially the most controversial blog I have ever written. As I’ve often stated, the Bible isn’t primarily offensive because of what it says about our sexuality. It is offensive because of what it says about our humanity. You may disagree with what you are going to read. That’s okay! We often grow the most when some of our closely held assumptions are challenged. In American Christianity we have accepted and repeated a phrase that I believe is blatantly untrue. Here it is: God wants you to love yourself.  Every time I read it or hear it, I bristle. Why?  Let's begin by acknowledging that God's people have always been tempted to mix true worship with the pagan idolatry of the culture in which they lived. This is evident to us as we learn about the Israelites in the Old Testament, sacrificing in the high places instead of in the Temple, and as we read about followers of Jesus in the New Testament pressuring new believers into circumcision. What is so often less evident to us is our own tendency to put God in the blender with what our culture worships. Our culture worships the self. The idolatry of our modern age is humanism. It’s all about you. Live your best life. You do you. Secular humanism teaches that truth is found by looking inward and connecting with your authentic self. We are so accustomed to thinking like this that we don’t even recognize this as a form of idolatry. While many Christians reject the obvious “me-ism” of our culture, we are less aware of how we blend godliness with the god of self. The statement, “God wants you to love yourself” is a prime example.    A Theology of Self-Love There is no verse or passage in the Bible that tells you to work on loving yourself. “But wait!” you might say. “What about the second greatest commandment to love your neighbor as yourself? Certainly we can’t love others unless we work on loving ourselves.”  What Jesus was saying here is, “Give your neighbor the same amount of devotion that you give yourself.” The assumption is that there is already a level of care and attention you devote to yourself. Whether you struggle with pride or insecurity, you are consumed with your own welfare. While not everyone has what we might call a “high self-esteem,” everyone is naturally committed to their own survival, comfort, and happiness. This logic is used again in Paul’s teaching to men in Ephesians 5. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.” No one reads this passage and thinks it is about how men should go to the gym and care for their bodies. We all know it is calling husbands to unselfishly love their wives.  The Bible explicitly and clearly warns us about self-love. In Romans 1 and 2 Timothy 3, Paul describes a pagan culture in which people will be “lovers of themselves.” Rather than loving ourselves, Jesus challenges us to deny ourselves and to lose our lives that we might find them. This isn't about cultivating self-loathing. Instead, it's about cultivating a posture of beholding God and being so focused on Him that we cease to be our own obsession. The life of a Christian is supposed to mean crucifying the self so that Christ can reign within us. We live not for ourselves, but for the glory of God. Paul meant it when he wrote, “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”    Why Pursuing Self-Love Is Dangerous My objection to the “love yourself” message is not only because it is theologically incorrect. We must understand that living contrary to Scripture has real-life consequences. Following the latest “Christian” self-help guru instead of worshiping the one true God is a rabbit hole that can lead you to reject the truth of God in favor of teaching that feels less offensive to the flesh. The problem is this: If the gospel you believe is not offensive to your flesh, it is a false gospel! Jesus died, not that we might live in self-confidence and continuous comfort, but so that we would become dead to self and alive in Him. Friend, let’s not forget that the most seductive idolatry is that which maintains a thread of truth. While it may have all the trappings of what seems true, self-love theology is rooted in lies. The lie that: You are inherently good.  You can save yourself through positive thinking. You are powerful and in control of your destiny. You deserve to have all of your dreams come true.  As familiar as these phrases may sound, they don’t have a foundation in Scripture. Let’s compare them to what the Scripture teaches us. Instead of being inherently good, Scripture teaches that without Christ we are enemies of God, with nothing righteous within us. Rather than deserving to have our dreams come true, the Bible teaches that we deserve death and damnation for our rebellion. Instead of being powerful and in control, we see in God’s Word that we are like a blade of grass, here today and gone tomorrow. Rather than being able to save ourselves, Scripture tells us that we do not even have the power to change a single hair on our heads or add one day to our lives. Friend, you need to embrace the bad news of your brokenness and helplessness before God in order to be able to accept the good news of the Gospel.  We are saved by God through Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ alone. And that does not just apply to eternal salvation. God is our salvation in every area of our lives, including our battles with insecurity and rejection. The message of “love yourself” implies that you can save yourself–you can give yourself the worth and security you need. Instead, the Bible tells us to focus our confidence on God, establishing our worth and security through a relationship with Him.   The True Antidote for Low Self-Esteem At this point, you may be wondering if God even cares about your low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is real. Even as you read these words, you may be so crippled by insecurities that you can barely face another day. You hate your body. You despise your past. You wish you were someone else.  Throughout decades of living as a Christian, I know what it feels like to be on the self-love and insecurity yo-yo: one day feeling good about myself and the next day in the tank because of my failures. Up and down I went, based on how well (or poorly) my kids were behaving, how I fit into my jeans, and whether or not someone appreciated my latest ministry effort. At one point I realized that I was spending about 90% of my energy thinking about myself–how I felt, what others thought about me, what I thought about myself, wondering how I could feel better about myself… on and on it went.  What ultimately solved my self-esteem problem was not therapy or self-love, but confronting my lack of belief that God loved me. Friend, I was a forty-year-old woman in Christian ministry but had never been honest with my fear that God would reject me. This fear drove me to overwork, to worry about what people thought about me, and to compulsively seek approval.  We don’t have a self-love problem–we have a God-love problem. Like me, you may have grown up in church singing, “Jesus Loves Me” from the time you were a toddler, but saying it and believing it are two different things.  The solution to your self-esteem problem is not to look inward, but to look upward. Rather than self-confidence, God confronts our fears and insecurities with the promises of His steady and constant love, His presence with us, and His faithfulness. Instead of building you up with self-affirmations, God says, “Look at me and know that I love you.” He said to Joshua, “Be strong and courageous, because I am with you!” The source of Joshua’s courage and confidence had nothing to do with his self-esteem and everything to do with God. There is nothing wrong with someone saying, “Your hair looks nice” or “You did a great job on that presentation.” That’s called encouragement; we all need feedback from people who care about us. The difference is that self-love idolatry makes us absolutely dependent on thinking and hearing only positive things about ourselves. Our “fuel” to keep going is rooted in how good or successful we are rather than on how deeply we are known and loved by God. Your low self-esteem isn’t ultimately a psychological problem, but a spiritual one. You matter because you were intentionally created by God Himself. He breathed His image into you. The Bible says that He knows you intimately and recorded every day you would live before you were even born. As David said, “Such knowledge is overwhelming to us!”  What does it practically look like to find your security in God? Allow me to suggest three practical steps you can take.  Spend time every day in worship. Worship is not the songs we sing on Sunday. It is an intentional posture of the heart that focuses on the greatness of God. Most days, I physically get on my knees to worship God, reading a Psalm, listening to worship music, or reflecting on God’s character. This puts my focus and confidence squarely on Him, not on me.  Read books that awaken your love for God, starting with the Bible. You might begin with the Gospel of John, paying attention to what Jesus says about Himself. What does it mean to you that He is the Light of the World, the Bread of Life, the Way, the Truth, and the Life? The Lord reveals Himself through the Bible, and we also benefit from teachers who help us understand the Scriptures. A few of the books that have deepened my walk with God include Satisfy My Thirsty Soul* by Linda Dillow, The Knowledge of the Holy: The Attributes of God: Their Meaning in the Christian Life* by A.W. Tozer, and Absolute Surrender* by Andrew Murray. Spend time with people who reinforce your confidence in God, not in yourself. You need friends who won’t tell you to “trust your heart” but instead will encourage you to seek God’s wisdom and direction. You may have to seek out this kind of friendship, but you can’t fight the world’s thinking all by yourself. Leave self-love behind. Be assured, Friend, that the love our Savior has for you is far greater than any love you could ever have for yourself.   Follow Up Resources:  Java with Juli #287: Does God Want Me to Have Good Self-Esteem? Java with Juli #344: Standing Strong: Tackling Fear, Self-Doubt & Insecurity Blog: Are You Leaning In or Leaning Up?   *This is an affiliate link. AI may earn referral fees from qualifying purchases.

No small talk here! Juli Slattery and Jonathan Pokluda tackle tough questions about finding freedom from the sins that we hate, the difference between regret and self-condemnation, and how the gospel is good news for all of us. Grab your Java and join us! Guest: Jonathan "JP" Pokluda Show Notes: Why Do I Do What I Don't Want To Do? by Jonathan Pokluda Why Is Healing So Hard? (Juli's blog) Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray More from JP, #429 How to Find Love When Dating Has Changed (member exclusive)      

How do you talk to young kids about sex? Keep conversations small and have them often. Justin and Lindsey Holcomb are back to share insights on talking to your kids about their bodies, God's design for sexuality, and the boundaries of healthy touch. Guests: Justin and Lindsey Holcomb Show notes: Java #459 How Sexual Abuse Affects You (And Why God Is Still Trustworthy) with Justin and Lindsey God Made All of Me by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb God Made Me in His Image by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb God Made Babies by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb Parenting Through Weakness (Juli’s blog) Java #316 Sorry Mom & Dad, the "Sex Talk" Doesn't Work (exclusive content)