As the mom of three sons, there are days I wish I could be parenting in a different era… one in which cell phones did not exist and comic books were more common than pornography. Yet we do not choose the time and place which God inserts us into history. Pornography and the many sexual consequences associated with it are a regrettable part of the fabric of our society. Unfortunately, I don’t believe there is anything we can do to completely shield our children from these dangers. Most experts agree that children living in the western world will see porn. It’s not a matter of if, but when.
This depressing conclusion doesn’t, however, render us helpless in our preparation and response to seemingly inevitable exposure to sexual poison. In fact, I believe that God can turn every threat to our children into a victory. That victory is called redemption and is expressed through what Joseph said to his brothers thousands of years ago. What Satan means for harm, God can use for good. This is not just some pollyanna-ish statement. We serve a redeeming God and He will have a victory, even if it’s not what we envision for our children.
While we pray that our sons and daughters will beat the statistics, we have to be prepared for how we will respond if they don’t. Here are three things to keep in mind in preparation for finding your son looking at porn or your daughter sexting her boyfriend.
Remember, it’s not about you. If you discover that your child has made a poor sexual choice, you will likely be overwhelmed with feelings of anger, fear, and failure. You will need a place to express and work through these emotions. However, if you react and parent based on them, you will ultimately be alienating your child instead of giving him or her the needed support, love, and direction. Christian parents often feel as if their children’s sexual purity is the ultimate litmus test of their effectiveness in parenting. This paradigm actually makes the issue more about you than about your child. With this mindset you will make yourself the last place your kids will confide in when they struggle with sexual temptation or fall into sexual sin. Rather than responding to your own emotions, seek wisdom from the Lord and godly counsel to answer the question, “How can I best help my son/daughter right now?”
While you may be alarmed at the shifting landscape of what is considered normal and moral related to sexual choices, let’s be honest in admitting that historically, Christian parents have been limited and ineffective in our approach to teaching about sexual issues. Rarely do I meet a man or woman, even among those who were raised in Christian homes, who were taught a healthy, biblical perspective of sexuality. The current sexual culture demands that parents proactively teach a comprehensive biblical view of sexuality and that conversations about sexuality be integrated into the larger landscape of becoming a follower of Christ. We have to raise the level of our game.
This is why we at Authentic Intimacy are so passionate about teaching sexual discipleship. Our kids will be confronted by porn, sexting, invitations to hook up, and confusion about gender and sexual orientation. It’s not a matter of if, but when. And they very likely will make some mistakes in navigating this dangerous terrain. We must put as much effort into walking out the redemptive power of the gospel as we do into the protective measures to guard them from the enemy’s schemes.
Want to learn more about our model of Sexual Discipleship? Order Juli’s new book “Rethinking Sexuality”. This is an incredible resource for parents to read and apply to their relationship with their children.
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