When Your Kids Look At Porn

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As the mom of three sons, there are days I wish I could be parenting in a different era… one in which cell phones did not exist and comic books were more common than pornography. Yet we do not choose the time and place which God inserts us into history. Pornography and the many sexual consequences associated with it are a regrettable part of the fabric of our society. Unfortunately, I don’t believe there is anything we can do to completely shield our children from these dangers. Most experts agree that children living in the western world will see porn. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

This depressing conclusion doesn’t, however, render us helpless in our preparation and response to seemingly inevitable exposure to sexual poison. In fact, I believe that God can turn every threat to our children into a victory. That victory is called redemption and is expressed through what Joseph said to his brothers thousands of years ago. What Satan means for harm, God can use for good. This is not just some pollyanna-ish statement. We serve a redeeming God and He will have a victory, even if it’s not what we envision for our children.

While we pray that our sons and daughters will beat the statistics, we have to be prepared for how we will respond if they don’t. Here are three things to keep in mind in preparation for finding your son looking at porn or your daughter sexting her boyfriend.

  1. Remember, it’s not about you. If you discover that your child has made a poor sexual choice, you will likely be overwhelmed with feelings of anger, fear, and failure. You will need a place to express and work through these emotions. However, if you react and parent based on them, you will ultimately be alienating your child instead of giving him or her the needed support, love, and direction. Christian parents often feel as if their children’s sexual purity is the ultimate litmus test of their effectiveness in parenting. This paradigm actually makes the issue more about you than about your child. With this mindset you will make yourself the last place your kids will confide in when they struggle with sexual temptation or fall into sexual sin. Rather than responding to your own emotions, seek wisdom from the Lord and godly counsel to answer the question, “How can I best help my son/daughter right now?”

  2. Remember the gospel. While the average Christian parent is well-equipped to explain “the gospel,” rarely do we apply the foundational principles of what we believe to practical challenges in parenting. Here’s an example of what I mean. The Bible tells us that we are sinful and rebellious in nature. Given the choice, none of us will choose to worship and serve God. It is only through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit and the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross that we can be cleansed by sin. So why are we shocked that 13-year-old Josh who goes to youth group and loves his parents still chooses to look at naked girls? When our teenagers choose sin, this gives us the chance to share the message of salvation in a way that intersects with their real life experiences. God’s grace is just a churchy concept until our children actually encounter it. I believe that the sexual temptations and struggles our sons and daughters face are very practical ways to teach them the truth that they cannot be “good” in their own strength. They need God’s grace and the forgiveness He offers.
  1. Remember discipleship. Your primary job as a parent is not to raise well-behaved kids who walk down the aisle as virgins. Instead, God has called you to make disciples. What does that mean? It means teaching, modeling, and walking with your children in such a way that they will want to follow Jesus Christ. Discipleship is not primarily about behavior. It’s about the direction of your child’s heart. The goal is not just to keep your kids from sex and porn. It is to shape their hearts and affections to want what is good and hate what is evil. For most of us, at some point that takes staring evil in the face and tasting the consequences of sin. I believe that many of the strongest young men and women of this next generation will not be those who have been sheltered from the offerings of our world, but those who have been discipled through temptation and the pain of failure.

While you may be alarmed at the shifting landscape of what is considered normal and moral related to sexual choices, let’s be honest in admitting that historically, Christian parents have been limited and ineffective in our approach to teaching about sexual issues. Rarely do I meet a man or woman, even among those who were raised in Christian homes, who were taught a healthy, biblical perspective of sexuality. The current sexual culture demands that parents proactively teach a comprehensive biblical view of sexuality and that conversations about sexuality be integrated into the larger landscape of becoming a follower of Christ. We have to raise the level of our game.

This is why we at Authentic Intimacy are so passionate about teaching sexual discipleship. Our kids will be confronted by porn, sexting, invitations to hook up, and confusion about gender and sexual orientation. It’s not a matter of if, but when. And they very likely will make some mistakes in navigating this dangerous terrain. We must put as much effort into walking out the redemptive power of the gospel as we do into the protective measures to guard them from the enemy’s schemes.


Want to learn more about our model of Sexual Discipleship? Order Juli’s new book “Rethinking Sexuality”. This is an incredible resource for parents to read and apply to their relationship with their children.

 

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Porn Affects You, Even if You Don’t Look At It
Unfortunately, the porn industry is a multibillion dollar endeavor that looks like it’s here to stay. One study from 2021 found that approximately 24% of 18-24 year olds considered pornography to be the most helpful source of information about sex.1 Early exposure and addiction to porn continues to increase rapidly, with boys and girls as young as 10 getting hooked well before adolescence.  Porn not only enslaves those who look at it; it also has far-reaching societal impacts on how the general population views sex and defines healthy sexuality. While much of the world celebrates porn as "sexual freedom," my heart grieves. I've seen the impact of pornography on men, women, and children and have found that this type of "freedom" is really bondage.  As a society, we are learning more and more about the negative impact of pornography on people’s sexual and emotional health and relationships, and we know that porn kills intimacy, but we are discovering increasingly that pornography is sabotaging relationships well before they begin. Whether or not you’ve ever used porn, it is impacting you. Why? Because the wide use and acceptance of pornography has changed sexual norms and expectations in our culture. Whether you are male or female, married or single, it’s important for you to understand how pornography has impacted the way you and those around you think about sex.   Porn has decreased the value of sex. I’ve studied the research of sociologists Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker in their fascinating book “Premarital Sex in America.” They explain that sexuality doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but romantic relationships are impacted by the attitudes and beliefs of the culture. While pornography use has increased for women (a recent survey found that around 22% of women consume porn regularly) men are still the primary consumers of porn, with around 61% claiming to engage with it on a daily or weekly basis.2 It is largely their engagement with porn that Regenurus and Uecker explore in their research. They note that historically, women have always set the “price” for their sexuality. When a man’s sexual desire drove him to a woman, the woman got to determine what she required for her sexuality. She was the sexual gatekeeper. In God's design, a man needs to be willing to make a lifetime commitment to love and provide for a woman in order to have the freedom to interact with her sexually. Conversely, pornography gives both men and women a sexual outlet that comes at no cost to them. Regnerus and Uecker write, “The ubiquity and perceived quality of digital porn has the capacity to sexually satiate more men—and more often—than ever before… If the porn-and-masturbation satisfies some of the male demand for intercourse—and it clearly does—it reduces the value of real intercourse” (p. 99). Where God's design is for sex between a husband and wife to embody mutual humility, love, and sacrifice reflecting His covenant love for His church, pornography reduces the value of sex to the simple satiating of a need. This means that sacrifice and commitment are no longer prerequisites for sexual intimacy to be enjoyed. Because the value of sex in our culture has decreased, there are many women (and some men) who feel they cannot demand commitment for sex. Instead of trust and commitment in exchange for sex, individuals are more willing to exchange sex for a couple of dates or an hour or two of attention. This is also why we see an increase in hookup culture and cohabitation rather than getting married.  While many men and women may enjoy non-committed sex in the moment, in the long-term, the effects of many sexual partners can and often do impact them for years to come, and research has shown that having sex outside of marriage with lots of partners disproportionately affects women.3 When a woman is involved sexually outside of marriage, she is likely to experience guilt, regret, temporary self-loathing, rumination, diminished self-esteem, a sense of having let herself down, discomfort about having to lie or conceal sex from family, anxiety over depth and course of the relationship, and concern over the place of sex in the relationship (p. 137). Having sex outside of a committed relationship or with multiple partners over a lifetime is associated with poor emotional health in women. Regnerus and Uecker write, “Even getting married doesn’t erase the emotional challenges for women who have had numerous sexual partners in their lifetime” (p. 149).  When men use porn, women are set up for loneliness, regret, and the pressure to compromise their spiritual and emotional health.   Porn has changed expectations of what’s normal.  Even within marriage, we can see the impact of a culture that has embraced porn and sex without hesitation. One of the most common questions I get asked about sexuality addresses young marriages in which men are not interested in sex. I hear from an increasing number of young wives who are devastated to be asking for sex, wondering why he isn’t initiating. On the other side of things, many women feel “broken” because of their inability to react like the women they have seen in porn, and many men feel frustrated that they seem unable to pleasure their wives in the way they think they should. While there are many possible reasons for these issues, without a doubt the greatest culprit is porn. When young men and women have grown up looking at pornography and satisfying their desires through masturbation, they learn to view sex as consumers. I should get what I want, when and how I want it. Sex becomes about obtaining pleasure, excitement, and a release for personal benefit. Porn doesn’t demand anything from a person but exists to immediately cater to every sexual fantasy. Porn trains a person’s sexual response to be impatient, selfish, and always demanding something more exciting than what was experienced last time. Transfer those beliefs to a sexual relationship in marriage, and you have a train wreck. Having sex with a real person who has feelings and their own sexual needs means you have to be patient, understanding, and unselfish. Most sex within marriage will be “normal” (no toys, strange positions, role playing, nor bizarre fantasies) and will not cater to an appetite for something more. The reality is that it takes time and hard work to build true intimacy as spouses explore the gift of sexuality together. Instead of working toward this magnificent goal, the man or woman involved with porn more readily returns to a sexual release that requires no personal sacrifice. While the premise of porn is that it demands nothing, it eventually steals everything. You were not designed to engage in a series of extreme sexual experiences. You are designed for authentic intimacy, celebrated and expressed through sex with a real person who is committed to loving you generously and unselfishly for a lifetime. I have never met a man or woman who is truly satisfied with porn. While porn use may be “normal,” that by no means suggests that it is healthy.    What can you do? This blog post may not be uplifting, but there are facts and issues here that we need to address. I hope and pray that this challenges you to confront the acceptance of porn in your life, in your marriage, and in our culture. Using pornography, whether online, in video, or in written form, is not just a personal choice, it is a decision that impacts the people and even the culture around us. Be confident and courageous in exchanging counterfeit intimacy for building the real deal.   Follow Up Resources:  Java with Juli #369: Changing the Way We Talk About Porn (Because Women Struggle Too) Java with Juli #321: Taking Your Marriage Back From Porn Java with Juli #408: Science Offers Kids a Powerful Reason To Say No to Porn Blog: Seven Reasons Kids Turn To Porn & What You Can Do About It   1 https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-020-01877-7 2 https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/lifestyle/article/modern-lovers-survey-results-2023 3 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3752789/