by Authentic Intimacy®


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#167: People Are More Important Than Marriage

“If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high.” When Gary Thomas, author of the best-selling book Sacred Marriage, wrote that statement in a recent blog, the response was so great it nearly crashed his website. What was it that struck such a chord with his readers?

Guest: Gary Thomas

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  • Heather Day

    Heather Day

    Could you link the blog post from Gary Thomas? Also, THANK YOU! I am so excited that this is being shared!
  • Elizabeth Taplin

    Elizabeth Taplin

    Gary mentioned a pastor called him and told him he made his job more difficult. To me, what Gary Thomas says is a true reflection of pre-marriage counseling. The "making his job more difficult" should take place in his pre-marriage counseling!!!
  • Barbara  Roberts

    Barbara Roberts

    Gary Thomas says he was 'grieved' to learn that some Christians had been using "Sacred Marriage" to pressure victims of domestic abuse into remaining with the abuser. But he NEVER apologized to the victims online for the many things he wrote in that book (and in his book "Sacred Influence" too) which are actually hurtful to victims of domestic abuse. On his blog post, when victims started asking him to apologize for those things he had written in his books, he didn't reply by apologizing. Instead he evaded their feedback, patronized them, didn't answer their questions, didn't humble himself, and he ended up scrubbing all their comments from his blog. All this is fully documented at the article "Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Marriage' — a review by Avid Reader" which is on the website cryingoutforjusticeDOTcom Google it and you will easily find it.
  • Amie Gill

    Amie Gill

    Thank you. I appreciate Gary Thomas bring these problems into the light.
  • Melinda Bozak

    Melinda Bozak

    I can understand the grieving over the fact that Gary's book has been used to force women to stay in abusive marriages. However, I also believe this issue has given women a pass on taking responsibility for their own lives and marriages. Society is already poised to destroy the institution by any means possible. The Church is really the last hope for marriage to survive as an institution. Seeking help with marital problems is great. But any decisions should be Holy Spirit directed - ALWAYS. Has the couple been praying? Are they still praying over their spouse and marriage? (Or even one person in the marriage.) When society, or the Church assumes they bear some responsibility to "fix" the problem of domestic violence, they are assuming a role that is not theirs. In doing so, all marriages that don't meet any given individuals standards can be defined as "abusive" or "destructive." People are different. They relate differently. One person's abuse (emotional, physical, or otherwise) can be another's relationship dynamic. If only the always-loveable are worthy of commitment then none of us are. Once any "abusive" event occurs all relationship history becomes irrelevant and is disregarded...unless it's useful in "proving" a abuse. As a woman who HAD been praying for a husband who I could see was under spiritual attack and knew his behavior was not -and is NOT his character; I feel "Christians" (not MY church family, thank goodness) would be hesitant to support my decision to remain committed to him and to our marriage. My prayers for his mind to be free of deception and to see truth and The Truth, were answered when he shot me 6 times. It was necessary so God could bring him back. It's a long and complicated story. (No history of violence and uncharacteristic behavior of an otherwise loving and protective husband and father.) But my point is that sometimes I feel like the Christian leaders are afraid to say, "Yes, God may be telling us He DID intend for us to honor our vows." - even in what sometimes seems like abuse situations. Supporting the exit from an ongoing, abusive and dangerous marriage is of course necessary. But it also opens wide the door for satan to convince a spouse that they are unhappy or unsatisfied and that the marriage is "destructive" to their spiritual well-being. Technically, I would be "justified" in walking away. Except for the fact that I know God used this event for my husband's benefit and my own spiritual growth. - He confirmed my faith and has given me a powerful testimony to share. What if God chose to forsake His promise to me? I betray Him in spite of my desire not to. I am abusive in my relationship with Him, and yet He extends His grace in spite of how much it grieves Him. How can I live as His example if I refuse to do the same in my marriage? Gary has nothing to be grieved about. I read his book and said "THANK YOU! Finally someone out there has presented marriage from God's perspective for a change." His book was a blessing. Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Tablet

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