My Husband Isn't My Best Friend

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Endless romance. Hot sex. Being best-best-best-best friends. These are just some of the idealistic hopes we pile onto marriage. There are good motivations behind each of these hopes, but let's just be real. It's probably not all going to happen.

Though it is a wonderful thing to be your husband's best friend, I actually don't think that is necessary for a great marriage. In fact, putting the expectations of best friends, steamy lovers, and perfect co-parents all in one relationship can end up hurting your marriage by making it seem subpar.

While being your husband's best friend may be unrealistic, being his friend is a critical aspect of a healthy marriage. Like most aspects of marriage, friendship doesn't just happen. You have to work at it. Think about the friends you had in college. As much as you may have loved and enjoyed them, you've probably lost touch over the years. Your lives have drifted apart. Even though you live under the same roof, this can happen in marriage too. You and your husband can forget to have fun, develop separate hobbies and passions, and lose the art of enjoying each other's company. You can slowly start to exist as roommates.

So how can you prevent the friendship-fade in marriage? Here are three tips for nurturing a friendship with your husband throughout the decades of marriage:

1. Just do something.

When it comes to friendship, men tend to like to do life together while women prefer to process life together. For you, building a friendship may mean weekly coffee dates where you share your thoughts and feelings with your husband. You connect by talking. Most likely, your husband isn't wired this way. He feels connected with you by doing life with you. Guys don't usually meet at Starbucks to share thoughts and feelings. They golf, bowl, or work on a project together.

While there may be times for a "talking date," make the effort to become your husband's friend by sharing in what he likes to do. Watching a movie, running on side-by-side treadmills at the gym, or going to Home Depot may not seem very romantic. But even if you aren't talking, this may be how your husband shares friendship with you. As you spend time doing life with your husband, times to talk become a natural part of shared activity. This morning, my husband and I did a 5 A.M. swim class together. Not exactly my cup of tea, but it made his day. As I was swimming my laps, I'd hear him yell across the pool, "I love you! You're doing great, Juli!" After our swim, we went out for coffee, which made my day. (Now if I can just stay awake!)

2. Build a bucket list.

Managing a household and family together can get boring. Your discussions can revolve around the budget, disciplining the kids, the backed-up septic tank, and carpool schedules. I've been there! There have been seasons of marriage in which Mike and I simply forgot to be friends. Then we created our marriage bucket list.

Together, we came up with 100 things we wanted to do throughout our lifetime. Some of them were extravagant, like traveling to Rome and Paris. Others were immediately "doable," like going on an adventure race or leaving an exorbitant tip for someone who served us dinner. Some of our goals were also spiritually-focused, like service projects or meeting great men and women of the faith. Over the years we have completed almost half of the things we dreamed of doing together. And we are still adding new items to the list.

A big part of keeping friendship alive is dreaming together. Marriage only has as much passion as you put into it. Many marriages die because the relationship is viewed as a roadblock to dreams. Sure, your spouse may not share your exact interests, but any couple can find common ground if they really look for it.

3. Don't listen to your feelings.

That might sound like very strange advice coming from a psychologist! Don't get me wrong. Your feelings are important indicators of what is going on in your marriage. However, your feelings should always be viewed as "diagnostic" rather than "prescriptive." In other words, let your feelings inform you, but not direct you.

There will be seasons of marriage in which you just don't feel close to your husband. You don't want to go on a date, laugh together, or have fun. Do it anyway. Research overwhelming indicates that our feelings follow our actions, not the other way around. When you make the effort to have fun with your husband, your feelings will follow. You can choose to be friends with your husband—not based on feelings, but based on your priorities.

Picture where you and your husband might be in a few decades, in the winter of your marriage. Your kids will be grown and gone. The heat of sexual intimacy may have faded because of health. One or both of you will probably be retired from your formal occupation. What is left? How will you fill an empty house and hours of silence? Through friendship, the powerful bond that will keep you connected through each season of joy and grief. It's worth working toward now!

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  • Linda Brink

    Linda Brink

    Great ideas and reminders for my marriage!
  • Charisse Quigley

    Charisse Quigley

    Excellent and right on time!! Thanks for being Gods messenger!!
  • Barbara Uhlmann

    Barbara Uhlmann

    We just celebrated 50 years of marriage and our sex life is actually better than ever! We just need to work a little harder but it is worth it! Barbara
  • Diane Wier

    Diane Wier

    Thank you for words that speak to this scorched heart. I feel as if I try and work at being my husband's friend, but there is little reciprocation. There is not much discussion on things we would like to do together, milestones to make or celebrate. I am a planner, and he is not. I am trying to be still and let God do his work in me, to change my heart. He is a good man. We are both strong in our faith and leaders at our church. And yet, this area of our lives is less than I thought it would ever be.
  • Trina White Hooper

    Trina White Hooper

    I'm in a second marriage and we are struggling thru it. I have no idea what he's thinking. He's an introvert & im an extrovert. He's steady eddy...& in all over the place. The list can go on & on. I'm praying, seeking counsel, in classes & believing for a miracle
  • Susan  Zurcher

    Susan Zurcher

    Great article! So true! I thought when I first got married things would just happen automatically. It really does take work & it is so worth it. Just like our relationship with Jesus takes time & effort & pays great dividends so does our marriage! Thanks!
  • Ranger  Ricky

    Ranger Ricky

    Right on. Men want women to do things with them. Hike, swim, horse ride, workout, build something, garden, camping, canoe, wash car, ride bikes. explore, etc., etc.
  • Nancy Ross Rivera

    Nancy Ross Rivera

    Boy! You hit so many nails on the head for me with this piece. Thank you. It's a relief to read this - I'm not alone in my struggle; we're not hopeless. Thank you Julie - I respect your perspective & guidance. God bless you.
  • Paula Wilson

    Paula Wilson

    I love this! I don't think I would've considered that maybe my husband responds better to "doing" life together. I definitely want to make a better effort to work towards balance, even if it means doing things I don't necessarily want to do.
  • Charisse Quigley

    Charisse Quigley

    Excellent, timely and a blessed reminder. Thank you!

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1
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It’s no fun to confront your husband on his porn use or decide as a couple whether or not to declare bankruptcy. These are very important issues that you need God’s wisdom and grace to work through. Switching from a pattern of fighting to healthy conflict means refusing to make your spouse the enemy and being patient to wait until the right time and setting to talk the issues through in a loving manner. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom you need to make this change in your heart and your marriage.