Watch a movie or flip through some TV sitcoms and you will hear men always want sex. Men are portrayed as constantly turned on and trying to get their wives into bed while the women are typically shown rolling their eyes. Ask a group “What do men think about most often?” and their answer will no doubt be, “Sex!”
When you step into the Christian culture, this stereotype may be even worse. There are books and articles talking to wives and encouraging them to love their husbands through sex, and women who are writing in saying “I have no desire but my husband wants it every day! What do I do?”
So what do you do when you’re a woman but YOU’RE the one desiring sex? What happens when your husband isn’t as interested as you? I see this question come through Authentic Intimacy’s email box at least 3 times a week, and it is always covered in shame and confusion. Women say things like “What is wrong with me? Why do I desire sex more than my husband?” and “How can I fix this? I know as a woman I shouldn't have such a strong sex drive, but I do.”
If I’m being completely honest, this is something I have personally wrestled with at times. In a culture that screams MEN ARE THE ONE WANTING THE SEX, women aren’t sure what to do with their desires. While each couple is certainly unique, here are some tips to deal with the difference in sexual drive between you and your husband.
Believe it or not, it isn’t a rule or Biblical mandate that men have to be the ones with the stronger sex drive.That is just a stereotype! It is okay to be the wife and also have the stronger sex drive in your marriage. In fact, that’s exactly what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
Did you notice that he listed the wife’s needs first? Paul doesn’t say “Listen, ladies, the men are going to want sex”. Instead, he says we both have needs and desires for our spouse. If you need more proof, crack open the Song of Solomon and read the passionate drive the bride had for her husband. She even took her groom outside in the vineyard for a sexual field trip. That sounds like a woman with a sex drive to me!
Take a deep breath and realize God’s freedom is for both of us to have a desire within marriage.
We serve a God who cares deeply about our needs, our situation, and certainly our marriages. If this is an area that is causing you to struggle with your spouse, take it to our Lord! Ask Him for wisdom with how to deal with this and how to talk with your husband about it. As I have started to pray about the sexual relationship between my husband and me, I am reminded this is another area of my life I can surrender to the Lord.
Many women with a stronger sex drive than their husbands' have so much shame that they have never brought the issue up with their spouse. One of the best secrets to a growing sexual union is communication.
If you are feeling rejected or confused due to your husband’s lack of desire, talk to him about it. For many men, sexuality is linked to their masculinity and plays into their confidence. So prayerfully share your words without being harmful. You can start with something like “I just want to talk to you a little bit about our sexual relationship. I very much enjoy the intimate times we have together, but I feel as though I have desired to have sex more often than we are. What do you think about that?”
In conversations I have had with my husband about this area, it has helped us to be more honest and open about my sexual desire and not view it as negative. In fact, many husbands would say having a wife who initiates more and is pleased during sex would be a home run!
I remember talking to a wife who had a stronger desire sexually than her husband. She said “The ironic thing is during the first few years of marriage, he was the one who always wanted sex. I talked to him a few weeks ago and expressed how I often feel rejected by him sexually. He said ‘Now you know how I felt for so many years. I guess I have learned to shut it off’. I never realized it but we have just been in a pattern of rejecting each other. Somehow, I am going to break it”. While this wife admitted she hasn’t always handled their sexual relationship in the best way, she is now walking forward in healing. Is there a way you can build intimacy within your marriage without feeling rejected? Pray and talk with your husband about other ways to connected intimately that may not lead to sex.
For many wives with a strong sexual desire, this is a tough conversation. Like all different areas of our lives, how may the Lord be using this to teach you more about Him? How can you take this difference between your spouse and use it to build an intimate friendship instead of enemies?