Who is at the Center of Your Marriage?

When I talk to women about sex in marriage, one of the most common concerns is their bodies. “I’m just not sexy!” Practically every woman feels like she is either too old, too fat, too flat-chested, or too plain to be sexy. We live in a world that has definite opinions on what is attractive and sexy. Marketers spend millions of dollars and countless hours transforming naturally beautiful people into virtual goddesses with makeup, lighting, stylists and photo editing. As a result, we each carry images in our mind of unattainable standards of beauty. We can never be young enough, thin enough, or pretty enough to be sexy. Like most women, I’ve gone through seasons of insecurity, wondering how in the world my husband could ever view me as sexy when I’ve given birth to three children, have stretch marks and wrinkles and score all “A’s” in my cup size. Mike has seen beautiful women and been impacted by the seductive and pornographic images that are so prevalent in our culture. No way I can compete with that! Fortunately, God has created a husband to be excited and sexually aroused by his wife even after decades of marriage and even if he has seen women far more beautiful than she is. The average husband has the capacity to be sexually captivated by his very average-looking wife.  Sexy Is a State of Mind While men are often sexually stimulated by what they see, they are sexually enticed by an invitation. Pornography, prostitution, and affairs offer more than naked women. They present an invitation… an invitation to have fun, to be wild, to let go, to be aroused, and to be accepted. I believe that most men choose these options not because the women are more beautiful, but because the women are more available… more enticing. Solomon wrote about an immoral woman seducing a young man. Read what he wrote and notice how little he says about the women’s appearance in contrast to her availability: He was crossing the street near the house of an immoral woman, strolling down the path by her house. It was at twilight, in the evening, as deep darkness fell. The woman approached him, seductively dressed and sly of heart. She was the brash, rebellious type, never content to stay at home. She is often in the streets and markets, soliciting at every corner. She threw her arms around him and kissed him, and with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve just made my peace offerings and fulfilled my vows. You’re the one I was looking for! I came out to find you, and here you are! My bed is spread with beautiful blankets, with colored sheets of Egyptian linen. I’ve perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink our fill of love until morning. Let’s enjoy each other’s caresses, for my husband is not home.’ She seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery.” Proverbs 7:8-21 Without knowing anything about this woman’s appearance, we can tell that she is sexy. She is confident, enticing, available and eager. This is what men respond to and what they often don't experience in marriage. Sexy isn't an act you put on to fulfill a husband's desire. It is embracing the fact that God created you as a sexual person, able to enjoy the beauty and passion of your sexuality with your husband.  What does it actually mean to be “sexy?” The dictionary defines “sexy” as “sexually attractive or arousing.” According to this definition, it is a very good thing to be sexy with your own husband. While I don’t want to be seen as “sexy” to the average guy, I do want my husband to view me not only as his friend, but also as sexy. I want him to experience me as his passionate, confident sexual partner. I also understand that this an important aspect of my own maturity and freedom to enjoy sex within our marriage.  Embracing Sexy I can remember many years ago being a brand new mom. One day I was walking down the stairs with my newborn son and saw my image holding him in the mirror. In that moment, motherhood dawned on me. I could now “see” myself in this new role. Becoming a mom happens the moment you get pregnant but it takes many months to grow into the role of motherhood. This is also true as a wife. You became a wife on your wedding day, but it takes months and years to realize what that means - particularly related to your sexuality. Just like any other area of life, you have to grow and mature in your sexuality. It’s not something that just happens. In fact, you may need to relearn being sexy as you transition into different stages of marriage and confront new challenges. I love how Linda Dillow says it. “It’s not what you got, but what you do with what you got that matters in the bedroom.” Linda is in her 70’s and has been married for over 50 years. As bodies age and break down, a mindset of pleasing and enjoying each means that you can still have a passionate relationship in the golden years of marriage.   As women, we can spend far too much energy worrying about what we look like. That time and energy will be far better spent if we learn what it means to be fully present and able to enjoy the pleasure of sex with our husbands.  The woman you read about in Proverbs 7 used her sexuality to entice a man she wasn’t married to. However, we can learn from her about how to use our sexuality to entice the man we are married to! Here a few practical things you can do to grow into a wife who is comfortable being sexy with her husband: Entice with words. She seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery. Proverbs 7:21. As a married woman, you say a lot of things to your husband. You ask him to pick up milk at the grocery store, you scold him when he tosses the baby in the air and you might thank him now and then for being a good husband. But how often do you use your words to entice him sexually?  Just read a few verses from the Song of Solomon and you will meet a wife who did just this! Entice with your clothes. The woman approached him, seductively dressed. Proverbs 7: 10. Wearing something black and lacy may not be for your husband as much as it is for you. As ridiculous as you may feel at first, wearing sexy nighties or underwear helps you get in the mood and can encourage you in believing that you have something wonderful to share with your husband. Entice with your bedroom. My bed is spread with beautiful blankets, with colored sheets of Egyptian linen. I’ve perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Proverbs 7:16-17. In the throws of normal life, your bedroom can become a pretty unromantic, uninviting place. How about a bedroom makeover, creating a space that says, “It’s time to be sensual and have fun together”? Next time you wonder if you’re really sexy, skip the article in Cosmo and remember that sexy is a state of mind. 

I’ve shared with you in past blog posts that my husband, Mike, and I are very, very different. Early in our marriage, these differences created a lot of tensions. There were days when I wondered if we could make it with such divergent views on everything from money to movies. Mike and I are still very different. While that continues to create disagreement, we rarely fight anymore. We discovered a secret that has made our marriage immeasurably more enjoyable. Are you ready? You can have conflict without fighting. Because we typically use the two words interchangeably, most couples don’t know the difference between a conflict and a fight. Conflict in marriage is absolutely inevitable. Because you are two separate people with your own thoughts, desires, and beliefs, you will have conflict. Fighting, however, is optional. A famous marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, discovered that one of the primary indications of whether or not a couple would stay together was how they handled conflict. Please note: the difference wasn’t how much conflict the couple had, but how they handled it. You and your husband may disagree about many things, but if you have the skills to resolve conflict without fighting, you can have a harmonious marriage. When you think of the word fight, you probably imagine a couple yelling and screaming at each other. However, you and your husband can “fight” without ever raising your voices. A couple can also be fighting in their marriage when they become verbally aggressive, contemptuous, or withholding in marriage. I used to pride myself in not losing my temper like my Irish husband did. Then I realized that I was doing just as much damage with quiet sarcasm, an arrogant attitude, or giving him the cold shoulder for days. It is never God’s will for us to fight in marriage. We will most likely have some important and emotional conflicts, but those do not have to include fighting. I want to share with you three primary differences between conflict and having a fight. 1. Conflicts Are Intentional and Fights Are Impulsive When Mike and I address a conflict, we are intentional about bringing up an issue that needs to be resolved. Sometimes that means that I’ve spent several days praying about the issue, thinking it through, and perhaps getting some perspective from a trusted friend. A fight always begins with an impulsive reaction to how we are feeling. He said something insensitive or I did something that ticked Mike off, and away we go. When we get into a fight, it usually feels for one of us like we have to talk about it right now—not because it’s urgent but because we can’t control how we are feeling. One of the greatest lessons we’ve learned is that almost all conflicts are more likely to be resolved if we give each other time to process, pray, and get perspective. As a young bride, I bought into the advice, “Never go to bed angry.” I took this to mean that we had to solve every problem before going to sleep. You know what I learned? Two in the morning is not a good time to talk through an issue. Most important issues in a marriage don’t have to be resolved today. You don’t have to decide on what car to buy, where to send the kids to school, or how to pay the credit card bill. Although it may feel like you need resolution, find your own peace in bringing the issue before the Lord before seeking peace with your spouse. 2. Fights Are Rooted in Fear and Pride While Conflict Requires Humility When you and your spouse are engaged in fighting, you both want to win. You are convinced that you have the better argument, are more justified in your anger than he is, or you want to hurt him as much as he hurt you. Fights typically end with a perceived winner and loser. Someone got the last word or overpowers the other one. The goal of conflict is to end up on the same page. Conflict isn’t motivated by getting your way or proving your point. The goal is to become like-minded and understanding each other at a deeper level. Even if you and your husband will never see an issue exactly the same, through conflict, you can gain an appreciation for each other’s perspective. One of the most powerful things you can do to switch a fight into a healthy conflict is to take a step toward humility. Although I’m the psychologist, my husband is often better at practicing this than I am. When a fight begins to escalate, Mike will sometimes say something that demonstrates that he’s not simply motivated to win. Juli, I don’t want to fight with you. I love you! Remember that you and I are on the same team. This immediately disarms me and helps me gain perspective. Apologizing for your part of a misunderstanding is another way to demonstrate humility. “I’m sorry I said that the way I did. I didn’t intend to hurt you, but what I said was uncalled for. Will you forgive me?” While those words may be very difficult to utter in the heat of the battle, they will likely turn a contentious fight into a meaningful conflict. In essence, you are telling your husband, I care more about us than I care about getting my way. 3. Fighting Is About the Moment; Conflict Is About the Marriage One Sunday as Mike and I were driving with the kids to church, a yellow light prompted a fight between us. Mike was driving and I saw the light turn yellow when we were still a good distance away. I said something about how he should stop instead of stepping on the gas. This made Mike hesitate. His instincts would have certainly been to “squeeze the lemon.” In his frustration, Mike swore. Then I retorted with a snarky comment, “Really nice for you to swear in front of the boys because we will get to church a minute later. That’s just a great example!” Let’s just say neither of us was in the mood to worship that morning. Can you relate to this episode? Even with something as benign as a traffic light, you get pulled into the moment and begin to do long-term damage to each other. God is teaching me that I could win every argument and still lose my marriage. That perspective helps me practice the self-control and humility required to do conflict well. Remember that Conflicts Are Still Conflicts I’m not suggesting that you walk away from an issue when you walk away from a fight. There are some conflicts you must walk through. Avoiding them is neither loving nor beneficial. There are some conflicts in your marriage that will be really stressful. It’s no fun to confront your husband on his porn use or decide as a couple whether or not to declare bankruptcy. These are very important issues that you need God’s wisdom and grace to work through. Switching from a pattern of fighting to healthy conflict means refusing to make your spouse the enemy and being patient to wait until the right time and setting to talk the issues through in a loving manner. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom you need to make this change in your heart and your marriage.