#319: Is Good Sex a "Right" in Marriage?

Thank you so much for this one. My husband & I have been married for 45 year at the end of this month. We have gone through a lot together. Wading through times of dealing with my healing from sexual abuse to now dealing with his diabetes & the problems of erection from the disease. I have felt guilty for not being able to arouse him but he is happy & we have lots of memories. When it does happen we are both super joyed. It's so nice to know it's ok.

Christine, congratulations on 45 years of marriage! Thank you for sharing. We're so glad this conversation encouraged you!

I saw that discussion (if it only happened once) with that pastor who scoffed at your comments about the sexual fast in order to heal/retrain. I was absolutely floored by the gentleman's push back, and others who leaned toward his side! I was not present (I bought the digital pass), but had I been, I think would have been had a purely humanistic reaction to feed him to the sharks! Those moments showed a man full of pride or self-righteousness; closing his ears and opening his mouth to create the sound of a clanging gong. It was not a good day - It is my opinion that every wife there was mad at their husband by proxy that day! LOL!! I pray that he reflected back to his push back to find humility and grace. --- I hope that experience does not prevent you from participating in that event in the future. My wife and I saw you in 2019 in the same venue (side note: your participation was 80% of the justification for going; 10% for the type of getaway; and the remaining 10% was to do what you challenged us to do!) .... ok, back to the podcast.

Brent ~ we appreciate your comment! It's nice to hear a perspective from someone who was "in the audience" for that particular interaction. Thanks for your encouraging words!

This was an excellent Java with Juli, thanks for pushing back a little on the issue of elevating Sex in marriage to a place too high. I love the emphasis on covenant keeping being more central. The challenge for husbands to love their wives "as Christ loves the church" surely includes keeping covenant faithfulness despite ongoing sin and difficulty, this is precisely the way Christ loves us (see Hosea for example). In rightly teaching for a godly belief in and practice of sexual intimacy within marriage we do have to watch the opposite error of regarding it too highly. The definition of idolatry from Tim Keller is really helpful here - "It (idolatry) means turning a good thing into an ultimate thing." We're always in danger of loving the gift more than the giver. Keep up the good work.

Thank yall for this episode. My husband and I are struggling with issues due to my childhood abuse (CSA), and so physical intimacy (sexual) is so hard for me. Years ago we went to pastoral counseling to begin working on my baggage/abuse. But nearly all his counseling was directed at me, needing to submit, do your wifely duty, stop denying your husband as 1 Cor 7 says because you are hurting him. My husband was told that he was an enabler and needed to push his marital rights. That aspect of marriage was considered the most important thing. So 1 Cor 7 was weaponized, and when instead of healing, and was getting worse, he accused me of just being stubborn not wanting to do the work and shouldn't be having that much trouble because he had counseled others who had been worse off or had worse CSA. Sorry to bother and ramble. But again thank yall

Just to clarify, it was our pastor, the he who was saying and thinking all those things. I wasn't sure how to edit

Thank you so much for this podcast Julie. You are the first Christian woman I have come across that has not chastised me for choosing to love my husband unconditionally, like Christ loves me, even though he is physically, and maybe some of it is mentally, unable to, or unwilling to, satisfy me sexually. We have been married 33 years this month, have two married sons, and now my Christian girlfriends have been pushing me to leave my husband and find myself a Christian man that will love me and fulfill me the way I deserve to be loved. I just can't do it....don't want to do it. He didn't choose his hormonal deficiencies, they were given to him by God to live with, like someone who is born with low blood sugar, he was born with almost non existent testosterone, so all the thoughts and actions that drive most men never enter his mind. Hormone therapy made him uncontrollably angry which is way worse than non-sexual. We have an amazing marriage on all other fronts. We've been through recovery from a pornography addiction, a nearly destructive affair, several job losses....the list goes on. What phrase in my marriage covenant gives me the right to walk out on him now? Sorry but I take "till death do us part " as my promise to him very seriously. If you ever decide to pursue this train of thought further and need to hear the heart of a deeply committed woman who's walking this road please feel free to contact me. We met years ago just before you began Authentic Intimacy at a True Woman conference - I was Mary Kassian's Executive Assistant for 12 years. I've followed your ministry since it started, but as you mentioned in the podcast, this is a perspective on Godly marriages that you have not pursued enough. So glad God's challenged you to dig a little deeper into marriages like mine that honour God without sex.

Zarae, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you found this podcast! I pray you also continue to seek healing for the CSA. The Lord is our Healer! Use the Search By Topic feature under the Resources tab on our website to find more blogs from Juli on healing. Here's one of my favorites: https://www.authenticintimacy.com/resources/2844/gods-healing-stinks Jacci, from the AI team

Yes, the church has taken a simple approach. If we actively hve sex we are more likely to stay married. Indeed issues of trauma interrupt; when one chooses not to work on anything - well you still have wedding vows. I will know the Truth and the Truth will set me free - Free to love and accept our reality.