by Authentic Intimacy®


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#294: When You Want Sex, But Your Spouse Doesn't

In every marriage, there is typically one partner with a higher sexual drive. And that person is usually trying to convince the other to have more sex! In this episode, Juli and her guest talk about how to move beyond "I have a need, and you have an obligation" to something much more intimate.

Guest: Dr. Corey Allan

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  • In the woods.

    In the woods.

    My wife and I have discussed our sexual relationship over the past weeks. Tonight I broached the subject again and got the same answers. She isn’t interested and doesn’t think sex should be a priority in our marriage. She loves me and “that’s enough”. She is devoted to me and I am to her. I have tried to explain to her that I get closer to her when we make love, she says she understands but it is not a priority for her. She could take it or leave it. That hurts my feelings. To recap. I’m 67 and she is 55 we’ve been married for 10 years. I have a high sex drive and she has lost hers. ( once a month for her is a lot) It is quite frustrating for me as I desire our past intimacy. It’s like getting a Pizza and there is a slice missing. I am in great shape as is she. We hold hands, kiss and cuddle, but that is about as far as it goes. She gets me aroused then shuts me down. When she does make love I feel she is doing it out of obligation, and again, that hurts. She won’t talk to a professional about it because it’s none of their business. I’ve prayed about it, and prayed about it. For a while it seemed we were making progress, but now we are two steps back. I’m so frustrated. Well, enough rambling from me. I want my wife back!
  • In the woods.

    In the woods.

    One more thing.... When women are dating a guy they wear perfume, makeup, and all the "girly stuff" to attract "their man". So WHY do they quit after they get him? I understand it isn't always feasible to have your hair just right or wear makeup. I GET IT! I see more often than not women will dress to the nines to go out with the girls or to dinner maybe, but that is to impress their "friends". What ever happened to looking nice and attracting your husband? You took time to do it in the beginning,..... I bought my wife some very expensive perfume that she liked and was almost out of. Did I mention VERY EXPENSIVE!! I asked her after a week or so why she wasn't wearing it. She said it was for "special occasions". Am I not a special occasion? Sometimes women FORGET what attracted their husbands to them in the first place. They LOOKED NICE and SMELLED GOOD not discounting personality and common interests. So if you and your man are out, and he glances at "another woman",...ask yourself why. If you're still not trying to attract him,...WHY? Remember that old song line,... "Wives should always be lovers too, run to his arms whenever he comes home to YOU." If you love him and want to keep him, show him. He will appreciate it, and you will too.
  • Andrew Brassyhub

    Andrew Brassyhub

    I've been to 'Sexy Marriage Radio', and find no direct references to 'gay' or 'lesbian' or 'mixed orientation marriage'. We're coming up to our 40th wedding anniversary. But this has been the elephant in our marriage that now we can see and name. Sexual orientation does not change; cannot change. So there's always been this deep dis-connect that will not go away, that cannot go away.
  • Authentic Intimacy

    Authentic Intimacy

    Andrew ~ You're in a very challenging situation, I am encouraged at how you choose to honor your marriage and your wife despite they way her sexual orientation impacts your physical intimacy. Praying the Lord will continue to draw the two of you closer in ways that will surprise you both. Also, please look out for our Java episodes next week (in Feb). I think you will resonate with what our guest Laurence Koo is going to be sharing. ~ Jacci
  • Authentic Intimacy

    Authentic Intimacy

    In the Woods ~I'm sorry to hear that your wife has lost interest in sexual intimacy. We hear many stories like yours and our heart aches for the husbands in your situation. We know it's hard. Were you able to listen to our webinar with Dr. Allan? He addressed similar scenarios. I hope this podcast conversation was helpful too. Bottom line, I know there is only so much you can do when your spouse will not take steps of change with you. Keep praying and asking the Lord to give you wisdom. A Christian counselor could help you sort through some of the hurt, even if you're only going on your own. An objective third party can bring some insight that is often very helpful. It's an investment, but worth it!
  • Blessed

    Blessed

    A podcast on this topic is much appreciated, as differing sex drives can really cause pain in a marriage. Now I would like to request a podcast on a different yet related theme, and that is, differing sex drives to start with, compounded by things medical for the lesser sex drive spouse. A long recovery compounded by marriage pain (in large part because the higher sex drive spouse feels continually rejected by past and current deprivation) is not a fun place to be. Nor does it aid physical recovery. How to deal with this? What words to use? What if talking makes it worse? What to do if the weight of past sexual losses (even predating medical) keeps entering into the present, in the form of grief for him because of lost pleasure when he was in his prime, and in the form of guilt for me? Also, how do I not feel continually bad that what I can offer now sexually is so much more limited than it should be, to the point it resonated with him when the term "lousy sex" came up on this podcast? (I had hoped listening to it together would help but he didnt feel like it described us, and only took from it a sense of pressure on him to do more on his part.)
  • Jacci Roberts

    Jacci Roberts

    Dear Blessed, you are right; this issue can cause much pain in marriage. From reading some of your other comments, it also sounds like you carry some guilt and shame around your sexuality for things that were not or are not your fault. I'm going to message you privately, dear friend. Or, if you don't receive my message, you can contact me directly at info@authenticintimacy.com

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