#267: Are You Having Sex or Building Intimacy?

Is the role and the responsibility of a wife to make sure there is the emotional intimacy in her marriage, because the husband is not going to see it, he is not as complex as she is, he will be more easily swayed to the physical act of sex? Yet, in time he is not going to be happy with the shallow sex as well? Is it her job to make the connection emotionally before or after the physical act? To guard her marriage bed that way, and “keep it holy “?

Elena, thanks for your questions! I think Juli & Linda would say that it is the responsibility of both husbands and wives to make sure they are moving toward oneness in their marriage, including in their sexual intimacy. (And becoming "one" in issues outside of the bedroom tends to lead to more intimacy in the bedroom too!) Here are a few blogs that might give you more practical insight. You can find them here on our website. I'll also link to them above: Sex is the Icing on the Cake and Your Sexual Differences Can Make You Better Lovers

I love the vigorous discussion that Juli, Linda and Yvette have. And the message is oh so important. Can we imagine how counter-cultural Paul's words in 1 Cor. 7 were in the first Century? The idea that sex is something so mutual, with the husband's "duty" or "debt" or "obligation" to his wife being mentioned before hers to him! That would have blown his readers out of the water. Sadly, it seems hardly less counter-cultural today, even in Christian circles. I find as I work with Christian couples, helping them to be less goal-oriented in their love-making, to let it be about intimacy more than orgasm, that it is usually quite a process for them to make this transition. Even when they understand the idea, the cultural patterns are so strong, that it takes a while for the behavior to change. They often hear me say, "You probably won't have sex every day, but intimacy needs to be the place where you live."