Should You Tell Your Partner About Your Sexual Past?

Watch a movie or flip through some TV sitcoms and you will hear men always want sex. Men are portrayed as constantly turned on and trying to get their wives into bed while the women are typically shown rolling their eyes. Ask a group “What do men think about most often?” and their answer will no doubt be, “Sex!” When you step into the Christian culture, this stereotype may be even worse.  There are books and articles talking to wives and encouraging them to love their husbands through sex, and women who are writing in saying “I have no desire but my husband wants it every day! What do I do?” So what do you do when you’re a woman but YOU’RE the one desiring sex? What happens when your husband isn’t as interested as you? I see this question come through Authentic Intimacy’s email box at least 3 times a week, and it is always covered in shame and confusion. Women say things like “What is wrong with me? Why do I desire sex more than my husband?” and “How can I fix this? I know as a woman I shouldn't have such a strong sex drive, but I do.” If I’m being completely honest, this is something I have personally wrestled with at times. In a culture that screams MEN ARE THE ONE WANTING THE SEX, women aren’t sure what to do with their desires. While each couple is certainly unique, here are some tips to deal with the difference in sexual drive between you and your husband. Drop the Stereotypes: Believe it or not, it isn’t a rule or Biblical mandate that men have to be the ones with the stronger sex drive.That is just a stereotype! It is okay to be the wife and also have the stronger sex drive in your marriage. In fact, that’s exactly what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” Did you notice that he listed the wife’s needs first? Paul doesn’t say “Listen, ladies, the men are going to want sex”. Instead, he says we both have needs and desires for our spouse. If you need more proof, crack open the Song of Solomon and read the passionate drive the bride had for her husband. She even took her groom outside in the vineyard for a sexual field trip. That sounds like a woman with a sex drive to me! Take a deep breath and realize God’s freedom is for both of us to have a desire within marriage. Pray About It: We serve a God who cares deeply about our needs, our situation, and certainly our marriages. If this is an area that is causing you to struggle with your spouse, take it to our Lord! Ask Him for wisdom with how to deal with this and how to talk with your husband about it. As I have started to pray about the sexual relationship between my husband and me, I am reminded this is another area of my life I can surrender to the Lord. Tell Your Husband: Many women with a stronger sex drive than their husbands' have so much shame that they have never brought the issue up with their spouse. One of the best secrets to a growing sexual union is communication. If you are feeling rejected or confused due to your husband’s lack of desire, talk to him about it. For many men, sexuality is linked to their masculinity and plays into their confidence. So prayerfully share your words without being harmful. You can start with something like “I just want to talk to you a little bit about our sexual relationship. I very much enjoy the intimate times we have together, but I feel as though I have desired to have sex more often than we are. What do you think about that?” In conversations I have had with my husband about this area, it has helped us to be more honest and open about my sexual desire and not view it as negative. In fact, many husbands would say having a wife who initiates more and is pleased during sex would be a home run! Cut Down on Rejection I remember talking to a wife who had a stronger desire sexually than her husband. She said “The ironic thing is during the first few years of marriage, he was the one who always wanted sex. I talked to him a few weeks ago and expressed how I often feel rejected by him sexually. He said ‘Now you know how I felt for so many years. I guess I have learned to shut it off’. I never realized it but we have just been in a pattern of rejecting each other. Somehow, I am going to break it”. While this wife admitted she hasn’t always handled their sexual relationship in the best way, she is now walking forward in healing. Is there a way you can build intimacy within your marriage without feeling rejected? Pray and talk with your husband about other ways to connected intimately that may not lead to sex. For many wives with a strong sexual desire, this is a tough conversation. Like all different areas of our lives, how may the Lord be using this to teach you more about Him? How can you take this difference between your spouse and use it to build an intimate friendship instead of enemies?

Want to watch a group of women swoon? Tell a story about a husband who was completely spontaneous. There is something about the mystery and surprise of impromptu romance that fills women with passion! Anything from randomly picking up flowers to a last minute road trip "just to get away together." Romantic comedies and chick flicks have picked up on this desire in women- for a man to be so overwhelmed with love that he can't help but do the outrageous and unexpected for his woman. Sometimes that even means having sex in the middle of cooking dinner!  Well, I didn't marry a spontaneous man. He is a planner who loves a good schedule. He is intentional about every decision he makes, every meal he eats, and every pair of pants he buys. I learned very quickly that I cannot go clothes shopping with him because I will end up screaming after he tries on the 10th pair of work pants that "just don't seem quite right."  For the first few years of our marriage, I started to wonder if the passion and excitement other couples had just wasn't what I would experience. Caleb would never randomly skip work to have a date, he isn't much of an improviser, and he definitely doesn't stand up in a crowded area and say "I LOVE THIS WOMAN!" (Although that does sound like something I would do). However, as we have gone through hard seasons and walked through challenges, I realized my husband has a quality far greater and more important than being spontaneous. He is intentional. Caleb is intentional with conversations we have over dinner. Each year he sits down to ask what our goals are as a couple for the next year. He says “no” to other commitments and important opportunities because he knows we haven't spent much time together. In every decision he makes, he is intentional about building our marriage. The Lord has been slowly teaching me that what I am craving in my relationship (intimacy, passion, and closeness), doesn’t come with the impromptu decisions I’ve wanted Caleb to make, but with the sweet secret of being intentional. Caleb was right all along.  While an unscripted plan may feel a lot more fun at the moment, long-term growth comes from being intentional. As I have realized this important difference, it has given me a thirst and desire for things planned together on our calendar more than an impulsive night of sex before dinner.  Tweet: While an unscripted plan may feel a lot more fun at the moment, long-term growth comes from being intentional. @HannahNitz Not quite sold on this idea? Here are a few things I’ve learned about the importance of being intentional.  Success Comes From Planning Construction of a building, becoming a professional athlete or starting a business... Nothing grows and builds into something significant because of a spur-of-the-moment decision. Building require plans and measurements, athletes must be disciplined and train for years, and business requires sacrifice, projections, and goals. I want to stay married, have a strong marriage, and hope to glorify Jesus through our relationship. So how do I do that? Previously in my “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of living, I would just have fun along the way and hope we would end up with something great. However, my planning husband has shown me the value of making goals and working towards them. Just like a small business, take the time to sit down with your spouse and map out your goals. Where do you want your marriage to be in five, ten, or twenty-five years? What are you doing to get there, or are you just hoping growth will pop up along the way? The road to that relationship of sweetness, intimacy, and friendship is paved with planning. Being Intentional Gives You Projects To Work On Together When I have been hoping for my husband to be spontaneous, I find myself waiting. I’m not working toward something, but waiting for Caleb to romance me away.  When I instead crave intentionality, I feel like a player in the game. I’m talking WITH Caleb about decisions we are making, I’m planning date nights to get them on our calendar, and I’m a part of building something together.  Can you treat your marriage like a home project? Pull down the old wallpaper, get a new rug, or maybe even tear down an entire wall. View your relationship as something you have the honor and privilege of working on.  You Will Reap What You Sow Biblical principals clearly teach that where you are is a direct result of the decisions you make. Here is just one verse that shows the concept that what whatever you plant is what you will harvest. It’s from Galatians chapter 6.  Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. 8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. For a while, I wasn’t sowing anything. I felt like marriage was just supposed to happen, our love was just going to grow on its own, and my prince charming would always know how to love me. I was walking around the field just looking for fruit to pop up, and was confused when I couldn’t find anything. In His grace, God saw my confusion and handed me some seeds. He said “Hannah, you can’t reap a strong marriage if you’re not intentionally doing the work. Throw those seeds down, water them, take care of them, and growth will come up from the ground.” Plans, goals, and being intentional isn't quite as sexy as the unplanned surprise, but over the past few years, I’ve been able to witness how beautiful it truly is to pursue a strong marriage together, on purpose. Instead of dreaming of an overly romantic, spontaneous spouse, start to grow your love through the work of intentionality.