Q&A: What if I’m not attracted to my spouse anymore?
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Transcript
A common question that people may ask me is, what do I do if I’m not attracted to my spouse anymore?
Maybe he or she has gained a lot of weight, or as we age, there’s just no spark there. I think even that question is rooted maybe in a more cultural way of viewing marriage than a biblical way of viewing marriage. Most of us get married because we’re attracted to someone. The scripture never tells us that we’re supposed to get married because of attraction or because of sexual desire. It says that we get married essentially to form a covenant with another human being, and that covenant actually is meant to be a little mini reflection of the covenant that God has with his people.
What if God decided not to be in relationship with us because he wasn’t attracted to us anymore? That would be a very scary thought. We know that’s never gonna happen because God’s covenant is based on his promise. It’s based on his character, on his faithfulness, and the same is meant to be true within marriage. The reality is that in most marriages, you’ll go through seasons of not being attracted to your spouse, maybe having no sexual desire for your spouse, but your marriage isn’t ultimately built on desire or sexual attraction. It’s built on a choice. It’s built on a covenant. And so then what you do is you work towards attraction. You work towards the desire for sexual intimacy together, and you do the things that help nurture that. You do things like spending time together and focusing on the positive — what do you love about your spouse? — instead of meditating on what you don’t like? You know, there have been seasons in my marriage where one thing I’ve done is just get out a sheet of paper and list every single thing I love about my husband, Mike. And then once I list everything, I start to realize how grateful I am to have him as a husband, and my attraction towards him grows. Attraction is something that we nurture. It was never meant to be something that determines our decision, particularly within the covenant of marriage.
