Java with Juli: #562 The Best Way to Stop Fighting in Your Marriage
Full Transcript
I recently had a wife ask me the question, how do I get my husband to grow up and take responsibility? She was frustrated with her husband playing video games and not stepping into the challenges of adult life. And boy, I know that can sound like a harsh question, but it’s a question at some level a lot of women are asking right now.
Well, first of all, I think we need to realize that even in that question, there’s an element of pride. Boy, I hate to say that, but I probably asked that question when I was a young wife because I saw my husband’s immaturity, but I didn’t see my own. And when we look at really what God wants us to do in a relationship is he says, first of all, take the plank out of your own eye so that you can see clearly to help your brother with a speck in his eye. And boy, when God started to show me my pride in the areas where I was actually immature, it made a really big difference. So that’s the first thing I would encourage you to do is not be in judgment of your husband, but say, hey, we’re both learning. We’re both growing. We’ve never done this before. We’re trying to figure life out.
The second thing I would encourage you to do is build on his strengths instead of getting him to do things that he’s not already doing. You see, your husband is already doing some things well, but you probably don’t notice them. You take them for granted. Maybe your husband, for example, is great with his job and, and he’s really pouring a lot of effort into doing well at work. Instead of complaining that he’s not helping enough at home, let’s start by encouraging with what he’s doing at work. And you wanna build on that. And I know it’s frustrating because I know your human nature is to point out what he’s not doing well. But I think all of us respond better to encouragement than criticism. And boy, this is especially true of husbands because husbands, men in general can really fear failure. And if they feel like they’re failing as a husband, they don’t have the willpower or the energy or the desire to try hard. But if you talk to your husband in such a way when you’re recognizing what he’s already doing well and challenging him out of that, that can make a real difference.
Another thing I would encourage you to do is to set and maintain clear boundaries. You see sometimes what we do as women is we want our husbands to do something and we wait for them to do it, and then they don’t do it, or they don’t do it on our timetable, or they don’t do it well. And what we do is we take over and then we become resentful. It’s like, well, I asked him to pay the bills, but he paid him late, so I’m just gonna pay all the bills. And you do that for years and you start to not only really be resentful, but you’re not giving your husband a chance to grow. And so let him figure out how to do things his own way instead of being critical. And you know, you might need a third party to help you navigate some of this, or you might need some support. We have online book studies at our ministry, Authentic Intimacy, that go through a book called Finding the Hero in Your Husband. And it gives you lots of practical advice as well as support from other wives who are asking some of the same questions. So that might be an encouragement and help to you.
