A widow messaged me, “Is it okay to masturbate thinking about my husband who recently passed away? I miss my husband in so many areas of my life, but no one talks about the grief of never having sex with him again. A few of my Christian friends gave me vibrators to help. I’m not sure what to do with all of the grief and loneliness around this area.”
Her question is deeply vulnerable—and also common. Many grieving spouses, especially those who experienced joyful sexual intimacy in marriage, are left asking, “What do I do with my sexual desires now?” Those who have lost a spouse either to death or abrupt divorce often experience what is called widow’s fire. Widow’s fire is an intense, sometimes overwhelming sexual desire and longing for intimacy that can occur after the loss of a spouse.
I have great respect for a person who is in the middle of grief, yet wants to honor the Lord in his or her sexual choices. While the Bible never directly addresses the topic of masturbation under any circumstances, including in widowhood (link to my blog and podcast on masturbation), we can get help and direction from principles in the Bible. In addition to what the Bible says about sex, we also find helpful principles based on what the Bible says about widowhood.
God created sex to be an all-body symbol and celebration of the covenant promise of marriage. Masturbation is often paired with pornography, erotica, or fantasies, which take sexual expression outside of the context of covenant. It is, at best, an incomplete expression of sex, and at worst, it fosters lust and addictive sexual thoughts and behaviors.
However, with widowhood, the issue is a bit more complicated. There was a covenant and sex was not only acceptable, but an important part of the marriage. How could it be wrong then to experience a sexual release remembering the covenant bond you are grieving? Based on Scriptural principles, I don’t see a clear “don’t do it” nor a clear “yes, this is good for you.”
Like many areas of moving forward after a significant loss, you will need to wrestle and ask God for guidance. Here are a few things to consider on that journey.
- First and foremost, God demonstrates deep, deep compassion for widows in particular. Some of this might be rooted in the cultural vulnerability of widowhood in the ancient world, but by principle, God’s people are told again and again to care for widows. The Lord understands your loss and your grief, including your loneliness and desire. This is terribly important to remember, both for the person suffering loss and for those who can help ease suffering and vulnerability.
- Secondly, grieving the loss of a spouse is an incredibly deep and complex journey. Overwhelming sexual desire can arise from a multitude of factors: sleeping alone for the first time in decades, terrible sadness, exhaustion, tangible reminders of your spouse, lack of physical touch, and neural pathways reminding you of sexual intimacy you and your spouse have enjoyed together. As much as possible, it will help to tease out what factors are contributing to your sexual longings. Masturbation is not the long-term answer. Although it may seem to provide a temporary release of grief and tension, you will need to find more substantive ways to address your loneliness and grief. One widow told me that the most difficult time for her is evenings. During the day, she is busy with work, but she began to dread the evening–going to bed alone and struggling to fall asleep. This woman rearranged her schedule to make sure that she has alone time in the morning but is busy and around people in the evening. Another widow began scheduling massages every week, not only for relaxation and self care, but also because she recognized how much she missed physical touch. Exercise can also play a crucial role in managing grief and associated sexual longing. Regular exercise can serve as a healthy outlet for emotional tension and stress, provide structure to your day, and create opportunities for social interaction, which can help alleviate the profound loneliness that fuels sexual longing.
- Give yourself time to “decouple.” You spent years, maybe decades, learning to become “one flesh” in every way–including sexually. As Paul writes in I Corinthians 7, you literally gave your body to your spouse, so it is going to take time to figure out how to be without your spouse and the sexual intimacy you shared. Focus on the long-term goal of addressing your intimacy and comfort needs apart from masturbation, knowing that your intense sexual desire may fade as you establish new routines and a sense of identity apart from your spouse. This is a journey, so give yourself grace and time to accept your new reality. Fostering shame about your sexual desire will only complicate this grief process.
- Finally, ask the Lord to lead you through conscience and wisdom. For some, masturbation can be a gateway to pornography and sinful thought patterns. One widower who overcame a battle with pornography told me that he didn’t think he should reopen the door of masturbation because of where it led him in the past. While masturbation may not be specifically sinful or wrong, I don’t believe it is wise to intentionally pursue a habit of masturbation by things like having sex toys (including a vibrator) in your home or reading spicy romance. A more helpful approach would be to find a supportive, safe community in which you can be honest about your sexual longings and find encouragement from sisters or brothers who are also pursuing sexual integrity.
Grief is a whole-body experience. It affects your heart, mind, spirit, and yes—even your sexuality. If you’re a widow or widower navigating confusing waves of desire, loneliness, and memory, know that you are not strange—and you are not alone. God sees you. He is not surprised by your longing, nor ashamed of your desire. But He invites you into a journey of healing, not just relief. In your wrestling, lean into His compassion, seek wisdom, and pursue connection that brings true comfort. You are still deeply loved, still wholly seen, and never forsaken by the One who calls Himself “a defender of widows” (Psalm 68:5).
Additional Resources:
#407: Masturbation: The No. 1 Question You’re Asking Us!