Answer:

Thanks for your honest question. Many newlywed couples find themselves in a similar situation. Unlike the movies, intercourse doesn’t always “just happen” and you don’t always get goosebumps. The most important thing is how you react to the difficulties you are experiencing. If you allow discouragement to settle in or if you start blaming each other, the newlywed sex problems can snowball until this becomes a major issue in your marriage.

Learning to love each other sexually, learning how your bodies respond, etc.. all takes time. As you experience sex together, you will become better and better lovers, so don’t get discouraged!

If the pain during intercourse continues, most likely it is due to a fear response with your vaginal muscles tightening involuntarily. We recently interviewed a woman who helps other women with this condition. You can hear the interview here interview on vaginismus

Despite the setbacks, you guys are also off to a great start learning how to please each other. Remember that this is a marathon – not a sprint- and you are on the same team. Work together, play together and pray together to build intimacy.

You may also find encouragement through Passion Pursuit, a Bible study that will be released through Authentic Intimacy on August 1. 

Answer:

Thanks for your honest question. Many newlywed couples find themselves in a similar situation. Unlike the movies, intercourse doesn’t always “just happen” and you don’t always get goosebumps. The most important thing is how you react to the difficulties you are experiencing. If you allow discouragement to settle in or if you start blaming each other, the newlywed sex problems can snowball until this becomes a major issue in your marriage.

Learning to love each other sexually, learning how your bodies respond, etc.. all takes time. As you experience sex together, you will become better and better lovers, so don’t get discouraged!

If the pain during intercourse continues, most likely it is due to a fear response with your vaginal muscles tightening involuntarily. We recently interviewed a woman who helps other women with this condition. You can hear the interview here interview on vaginismus

Despite the setbacks, you guys are also off to a great start learning how to please each other. Remember that this is a marathon – not a sprint- and you are on the same team. Work together, play together and pray together to build intimacy.

You may also find encouragement through Passion Pursuit, a Bible study that will be released through Authentic Intimacy on August 1. 

Answer:

Your story is one that many women can relate to (including me –Dr. Juli). So thanks for asking the question! You didn’t mention whether or not you have children, but I’m guessing that 15 years into marriage, you may. Often, women have a decrease in sexual desire during the busy childrearing stage of life simply because they are tired. So, that may definitely be a factor. Beyond that, I have a few recommendations:

$11)   Get a physical with blood work to make sure the problem isn’t rooted in a hormonal imbalance or other biological issue. Hypothyroidism is very common among women and is a libido killer.

$12)   Think about sex. For most women, arousal doesn’t happen until there is desire. In other words, your body won’t kick into gear until your mind does. On days that you plan to initiate sex, take time during the day preparing your mind by thinking about what you love about your husband, remembering intimate times with him, planning new sexual things to try together, or even meditating on the biblical book the Song of Solomon. It may sound strange, but ask the Lord to prepare you mind and heart to enjoy intimacy.

$13)   Make passion a priority. Like anything else, having a great sex life takes work. Too often, particularly during the busy parenting years, intimacy is all about “leftovers.” You’re both exhausted, stressed and have other things on your mind. Of course, sex won’t be great under those circumstance.

To To answer your question, sex CAN get better and it’s worth working toward. We are so excited about the new study Passion Pursuit because it shows you specifically how to work towards enjoying and celebrating sex in marriage!

Answer:

I am so grateful for the healing God has already brought you through! But I am also grateful that you want complete healing – to be free to enjoy sex with your husband. Healing from past painful experiences and harmful messages is a journey.

I think it might help for you to write down thoughts or lies that run through your mind related to your sexuality. For example, your husband may tell you that you are beautiful. What lie goes through your mind to refute him? What is the truth? What does God’s Word say?

It’s pretty normal for the average man to think about sex more often than his wife. For many women, thoughts about sex have to be intentional. In other words, you don’t think about it unless you plan to. The world offers material like The Fifty Shade of Grey to help women become more sexual. Unfortunately a lot of Christian women are taking the bait.

God has provided another source of inspiration – the Song of Solomon. The woman in this book of the Bible was very passionate. She thought about her husband and anticipated sexual pleasure. She was self-conscious about her body but learned how to accept her husband’s praise. She became a confident lover.

Our Bible study called Passion Pursuit (coming in August) will walk you through much of this, but you can dive into the Song on your own. Ask the Lord to show you how to replace lies with truth from His Word.

Answer:

Thanks for asking such a practical question. I love your heart and desire to build intimacy in your marriage!

Becoming a great lover and having an exciting sex life usually includes willingness to push past your comfort zone – to try new things. This doesn’t mean you will always end up liking new “adventures” or positions. In fact, most couples end up back to their “normal routine.”

Part of not tensing up when trying something new is discerning between “comfort and conscience.” You may be confused about whether or not something is OK to try, even within the boundaries of marriage. If you are not sure whether something is morally right, this creates feelings of guilt or anxiety. In “Passion Pursuit,” we have an entire lesson dedicated to this important issue.

Finally, I agree with you about not wanting to “research” different positions. There is a lot of junk on the web when you search that sort of topic. I would recommend Christian books on sex, particular those written by Cliff and Joyce Penner. Beyond that, I think you and your husband can have fun creating your own ideas!

Answer:

Thanks so much for your honest question and your desire to stay pure until your wedding. We are excited for you!

It sounds like you feel a lot of guilt about some of the boundaries you have already crossed. Confess it before the Lord and move on. God understands our struggles and is gracious to forgive. He also sees your deep desire to stay pure for the next few months.

The engagement period can be really tough to stay pure. You have let your mind “go there” in preparation for your marriage. You are talking about sex and planning your lives together. Knowing this, you may want to set up extra guidelines, like not being alone with your fiancé. Stay in public places instead of hanging out where you are alone. Even though you don’t have close friends where you live, ask one of your long-distant friends to simply call you once a week, pray with you and ask “how are you doing?” You don’t have to give details, but it will provide some support and accountability.

We at Authentic Intimacy would love to be a support for you as you enter this new and exciting stage of life. Congratulations!

Answer:

First of all, please know that you are not alone. About 50% of women have difficulty climaxing without manual stimulation. Many of these women think something is wrong with them or that this somehow cheapens sex. Rest assured that neither of these are true.

We have searched through the Bible and found nothing that would suggest that manual stimulation between a husband and a wife is wrong. In fact, some of the imagery in Song of Solomon suggests that their love making included much more than “typical” intercourse. A husband and wife are free to enjoy touching, kissing each others’ bodies. For women particularly, this is a vital aspect of the sexual experience.

Your feelings of guilt are “false guilt.” You have no reason to feel guilty. It might help to meditate on some Scripture to help you get past this guilt. I would suggest reading Song of Solomon and perhaps memorizing Acts 10:15, “Do not call anything impure which God has made clean.”

Answer:

Answer:

This is one of the most commonly asked questions and Christians don’t all agree on the answer. We (Linda and Juli) do not believe that anal sex is morally wrong within marriage. However, we don’t believe that it is advisable because of medical risks involved. The anus has very thin tissue that easily tears. That area of the body also if filled with bacteria that can cause infection and spread illness. As one medical doctor told us, “God made that part of the body an exit, not an entrance.”

Because anal sex between a husband and wife is not a moral issue, we advise you and your husband to research the medical risks, to pray about it and come to an agreement as to what is right for your marriage.

Answer:

This is a tricky question, and you might get very different advice from different sources. Some would say that in God’s eyes, you are still “married” so it’s fine to have sex even though you are divorced. I would not support that view.

Sex is designed to be within the life-long commitment of marriage. Your husband violated that trust, leading to your divorce. It’s wonderful that your relationship is being rebuilt. I’ve seen many situations in which a couple remarries and has overcome many of their difficulties. However, I would still advise that you reserve sex for the covenant relationship of marriage. You have nothing to prove to your “ex” husband. If he is serious about committing to you, he will remarry you regardless of how good you are in bed. If you move closer to remarriage, it would be very appropriate to address this area of your relationship in counseling. You can talk through the issues without having sex together. 

Answer:

First, have you considered what might have changed? You said, “lately…” indicating that he used to initiate more often. Sometimes medical or emotional issues can interfere with sexual desire. Here are a few to consider – new medications, low thyroid, weight gain, stress, fatigue, or depression. If he is open to talking, you might even ask him if something has changed between you or just changed in the way he feels.

It’s great that he responds when you initiate and that he still seems to desire sex. You might address the problems by giving him different ways to initiate. Sometimes, it’s just awkward to know how to communicate sexual interest, even within marriage. Developing a special code word or symbol might make it easier for him to communicate interest. Another couple handled this with an agreement like this: She initiates sometime Monday through Thursday and He initiates sometime Friday through Sunday.

Answer:

You are asking two separate but connected questions. The first question is about truly walking in forgiveness. Moving past your sin does not require for you to forgive yourself but to absolutely believe God when He says, “As far as the East is from the West, so far have I removed your sin from you.” And “If you confess your sin, I will be faithful and just to forgive your sin and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness!” Do you really believe this is true, even if you don’t FEEL forgiven? If you and your husband have confessed your sin, you are forgiven. Are you willing to walk by faith in that forgiveness?

The second question is about whether or not God really blesses passionate, erotic love between a husband and a wife. Many Christians give lip service to this idea, but in practical life, they still battle lies that sex is dirty and that sexual pleasure is wrong. The Bible study we are completing, Passion Pursuit, is all about confronting this lie with God’s truth. He created sex as holy, as extremely pleasurable, and as a wonderful gift for you and your husband. He gives your permission to pursue the deepest, most exciting passion. It brings glory to Him when you do so. If you doubt this, study the Song of Solomon in which God clearly blesses and elevates the importance of sexual love.

So, open the gift! Kick the enemy, that Father of lies, out of your bedroom and enjoy what God has said is good!

Answer:

Intimacy requires trust – there’s just no getting around it. The deeper the bond of trust, the greater the ability to be physically, emotionally and spiritually intimate with your husband.

Based on what you have shared, trust has been broken repeatedly in your marriage. God takes the broken trust of infidelity so seriously that He sites it as one of the only reasons for divorce. Many marriages have been restored even after unfaithfulness, but it requires repentance and the willingness to rebuild what has been damaged.

Before you do anything, spend some time praying and asking for God’s clear direction and wisdom. Then I would consider communicating to your husband, perhaps through a letter, that his choices in the past have broken your trust. Express your desire to rebuild trust with him so that you can have a fulfilling marriage and sex life. But explain that if he isn’t willing to takes steps toward that rebuilding process, like cutting off relationships with other women and going to counseling, that you are limited in what you can share with him. This might mean separation or a break from sexual intimacy for a time.

This is a big step that is intended to create a crisis and get his attention so that you can work on your marriage. Regardless of whether or not your husband is willing to go to counseling, you need to be walking through this process with a Christian counselor or godly mentor. You may also be encouraged by a few books that address this issue very well: Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and I Don’t Love You Anymore by David Clark.

Answer:

This is one of the most commonly asked questions we get from women. In the Passion Pursuit curriculum, we address this question in detail. Here’s a brief summary of what we believe based on what God says in His Word. A couple needs to ask 3 questions about a specific sexual act:

1) Does God say “no” to this act? There are very specific things that God says a clear “no” to. They probably won’t surprise you. Here’s a list of what we found.

• Fornication
• Adultery
• Homosexuality
• Impurity
• Orgies
• Prostitution
• Lustful passions
• Sodomy
• Obscenity
• Coarse jokes
• Incest

2) The second question – “Is it only us?” Sexual intimacy was designed to be experienced only between a man and a woman who are committed for life. Keeping your marriage bed pure means protecting your intimacy from the intrusion of anyone one else – in the flesh, on a computer, on a DVD, in a romance novel or even in your own fantasies.

3) The third question – “Is it good for us?” The Bible teaches that when there are grey areas (where God hasn’t clearly said yes or no), we are called to use our judgment. In I Corinthians 10, Paul writes that everything is OK for us to do, but not everything is edifying or loving. You and your husband need to evaluate whether a specific sexual act is loving and beneficial for BOTH of you.

We believe that the Bible allows great freedom for a husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy and pleasure. The guidelines He sets are few and they are for your protection. Enjoy your freedom and use it lovingly!

Answer:

First of all, your baby weight, whether you lost it or not, probably has nothing to do with your husband’s lack of desire for sex. Don’t take it personally. His lack of interest may very likely be due to one of the other two reasons you mentioned: your not having an orgasm and stress at work.

When your husband says he feels “guilty” that you don’t orgasm, he may really be saying that he feels inadequate—like he can’t please you. A sensitive husband cares as much about your pleasure as he cares about his. He may avoid sex because he doesn’t believe he is good at it. Reassure him and also read a book or two together. (I recommend The Way to Love Your Wife, by Clifford and Joyce Penner.)

The second culprit, stress, can also be a libido killer. In addition to work stress, having children right out of the gate is stressful. You never really had time to work on sex and build romance in your marriage. As difficult as it might be, it’s critical that you take time to get away together and work on romance. If grandparents live close by, take advantage of their willingness to baby-sit. Go on dates at least twice a month. Try to get away for a weekend twice a year. It’s an investment that you won’t regret. In the long run, it will even make you better parents.

Answer:

While we want to answer every question at Authentic Intimacy, some answers are too detailed to put on a website (where young eyes might see them ☺). We recommend that you look into some tremendous resources by Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner that will help you with the details of addressing your question. Check out Restoring the Pleasure  and The Way to Love Your Wife. These books are worth their weight in gold!

Answer:

I appreciate the fact that you want to stay pure in thoughts and actions with your girlfriend. Talking about sex often leads to sex. What many couples don't realize is that being too close emotionally and even spiritually before marriage can be as dangerous as crossing physical boundaries!

You are 1 or 2 years away from marriage, so let me ask you to consider something:

- If you are not sure that she is the one, if you have some red flags or don't yet know her well enough, you shouldn't be talking about sexual things. This could be someone else's future wife. 

- - If you are sure that you will be married, what are you waiting for? I'm not a big fan of long engagements.

If you have questions or need to process issues about sexuality, temptation, etc... find a trusted male friend or mentor to talk to, not your girlfriend. 

Answer:

Thanks for being vulnerable in your question. The issue of anal sex is one that we are asked very frequently. God gives the guidelines of how to decide whether or not something is right for a Christian couple to be involved in. When it is a "grey area," based on Paul's letter to the Corinthian church, we are supposed to ask questions like:

1) Is this good for us?

2) Is it loving?

3) Does it cause one of us to stumble?

Based on our research and asking the advice of medical professionals, we believe that anal sex is NOT beneficial for a couple to engage in. The tissue of the anus tears easily and the bateria in that area of the body is capable of spreading disease and infection. As one dr. stated, "God designed this as an exit, not an entrance."

By your own report, it is painful for you. 

It is right for you to draw a boundary in this area and to ask your husband to respect it. You two can be adventurous and creative in finding other more beneficial and loving ways of expressing sexual love to each other.

Answer:

Many women (about 50%), regardless of their past, are not able to achieve orgasm without manual stimulation during or apart from intercourse. This is very common and doesn't indicate any emotional or physical problem. Couples in this situation can learn to communicate and enjoy sex by involving the husband in his wife's manual stimulation. 

God has given you and your husband a wide range of sexual activities to explore together. Within the guidelines set in the Bible, find what is pleasing and loving for both of you. 

I'm so glad that you and your husband are striving to find pure pleasure and separate yourselves from past mistakes. God extends forgiveness for the past and blessing over your sexual intimacy together.

Answer:

There are two problems with the strategy of sharing in porn. First of all, it will create guilt and taint your sex life. Take a look at Ephesians chapter 5. Paul charges a husband to love his wife and present her as a radiant bride without stain or blemish. Your husband is told to protect your purity. By inviting you into a sexually compromising situation, he is failing in this duty. If you are sensitive, you will not only feel the guilt of violating a standard of purity, but will become angry with your husband for inviting you into such a compromise.

Second, the excitement of watching a porn movie together will steal away the natural joy of savoring each other sexually. After eating cotton candy, an apple seems bland. The same is true with sex. God designed you and your husband to find great fulfillment and joy in experiencing sex together. That natural sweetness between you will become dull and won’t even stimulate you if you feed your sexuality on the world’s cheap thrills.

Don’t take the easy way out. Draw a line, not just for yourself, but also for your husband. It may mean a year of conflict and pain, but in the long run, your marriage will benefit (and so will your sex life!).

(Previously published in No More Headaches, Dr. Juli Slattery)

Answer:

It sounds like you are conflicted about whether or not enjoying sex is a pure thing. Because of the history of premarital sex and pornography, this is understandable. Your first experiences with sex and arousal were associated with feelings of guilt and shame. To get past this, it’s critical that you separate sexual sin and sex. If you have not done so, confess your past before the Lord. Ask for His cleansing and forgiveness, and then accept it. If your husband is still involved with pornography, you need to address that issue. When your sexual relationship is compromised by outside sensuality, it may continue to foster your confusion about enjoying sex. Embrace the fact that God wants you to have sex with your husband and He wants you to enjoy it. You may also need to look into other causes for your low sex drive, such as your health and the level of emotional intimacy in your marriage.

(Previously published in No More Headaches, Dr. Juli Slattery)

Answer:

In making the transition from dating to marriage, three things that help increase your desire for sex have likely disappeared. First of all, time. When you and your husband were dating, you spent time together with no demands. On dates, you had hours just to talk, cuddle, and have fun. Most likely, you no longer carve out time to date. Instead, your time together is filled with running errands, cleaning the house, and negotiating life. Second, the fun has likely gone out of your relationship. You probably don’t dress up for each other or plan playtime like you did when you were dating. Third, sex is no longer a taboo. The adrenaline of taking that “next step” was a powerful drive while you were dating. Instead of doing something wrong, now sex is about fulfilling an obligation. Which sounds like more fun to you?

Although you cannot recreate the atmosphere of when you were dating, there are many elements of dating that you can work to incorporate into your marriage. Set aside time, money, and energy to date, just like you did before marriage. Give your best to that time, not just the leftovers. Another key element is foreplay. Because sex was taboo, you probably spent a lot of time kissing, hugging, touching, and staring into each other’s eyes. These are key elements of female arousal. Don’t start intimacy in bed. Start it in the car or on the couch in front of the fireplace and see what happens. Finally, remember that as a young married couple, you are just beginning this journey of sex with your husband. It will get better if you work together on it!

(Previously published in No More Headaches, Dr. Juli Slattery)

Answer:

This is one of the most frequent questions we get asked and it is not an easy question to answer. It is a sensitive topic, usually associated with a lot of guilt. I sometimes wonder if there is more guilt and shame around masturbation than there is around adultery. Weird!

Opinions on the topic vary greatly, but here’s what we believe as it pertains to married women.

There is nothing wrong with masturbation simply as an act. The question is how is it being used?

As a married woman, there is nothing wrong with incorporating masturbation as something that you and your husband enjoy as part of your intimate relationship. Maybe he’s really tired or stressed out but he wants to please you. Or maybe it’s just something you enjoy doing together. Masturbation can also be something you and/or your husband use to focus on each other and resist temptation when you are apart, such as during deployment.

One standard from God’s word is critical to remember. God says to keep your mind pure and your sexual thoughts focused on your husband. During masturbation, are your thoughts on your husband or another fantasy?

The Bible says in I Corinthians “’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others… Everything is permissible for me--but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me--but I will not be mastered by anything.”

These are helpful guidelines to apply to any area that seems to be a grey, like masturbation. They prompt you to ask a few questions:

• Is this beneficial? Is it good for my marriage? In other words, by masturbating am I robbing my husband of something I should be sharing with him or is this something that eventually brings us closer together?
• Is it constructive? Does it build and protect intimacy between us?
• Am I seeking the good of my husband or only my own needs?
• Am I controlled by this? Is masturbation becoming an addictive outlet that I must engage in compulsively?

Remember that God gives great freedom. He understands your sexual needs – He created them! Ask Him to give you wisdom about how to honor Him in your marriage and within your circumstances.

Answer:

This is one marital problem that seems to be rapidly increasing. Stereotypically, husbands want sex and wives complain about being too tired or emotionally disconnected to even think about it. For more and more couples, the problem is flipped. Couples in this scenario often feel lonely in their struggle, wondering “What’s wrong with us?”

There can be a lot of embarrassment and insecurity for a wife who feels sexually rejected by her husband. The first very important thing for you to remember if you are in this situation is not to add shame and guilt to the issue. You have a difference in sexual desire between you and your husband, period. Every couple has barriers to overcome. This just happens to be yours. Satan would love to divide you and your husband with thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t he attracted to me?” or “What’s wrong with my husband? If only…” Don’t go there. Attack the problem together; don’t make each other the problem.

One of the greatest barriers to solving this and many other sexual struggles is talking about it. The issues involved are vulnerable with many buried emotions involved; even a simple conversation can quickly become explosive. It might help to read together an article like this one or a good Christian book on sexuality just to get the conversation rolling. A counselor who is trained in helping resolve sexual issues can also be very helpful with starting and moderating communication.

If your husband is rarely interested in sex (perhaps less than once a week), you need to figure out together if there is something interfering with sexual desire and arousal. It may be a medical problem contributing to low testosterone levels, side effects of medication, stress, grief, or depression. However, your husband might also have sexual trauma in his past or have fears about sexual performance. Use of pornography can also be a culprit. Many men get hooked on porn as teens. Using porn over years teaches a man to respond immediately to increasingly erotic visual images and trains his sexual response to be linked to instant gratification. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, by contrast, requires communication, patience, and sacrifice. Some men who use pornography are not interested in or even able to respond to “normal” sexual stimuli. Once you know that there is a medical, emotional, or relationship barrier, you can begin to address that.

I Corinthians 7:3-5 provides some great advice:

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

This passage is often used to encourage women to meet their husbands’ sexual needs. But notice that it also talks about a husband’s responsibility to meet his wife’s sexual needs – and that’s in the Bible! You were created with sexual needs that are designed to be met by your husband. This means that you as a couple need to work together to find ways for your sexual needs to be met within your marriage. Your husband is God’s provision for you, just as you are God’s provision for him. That doesn’t mean that you demand sex but that you express your needs with sensitivity and work together as a team to please each other.

We will have more information (articles, podcasts, etc.) on this one issue because we understand how prevalent and painful it can be. So keep checking back!