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The most important aspect of recovering from an affair is rebuilding trust. This can be a very long journey and may require a third party like a counselor or pastor to help you through it.

Trusting your spouse after an affair means that you have reason to believe he will not be unfaithful again. Some of the steps involved might include getting to the root of what led to the affair in the first place and putting up “hedges” or fences to prevent it from happening again.

Obviously, having daily contact with the woman he had an affair with makes setting up fences difficult. This would be a natural barrier to rebuilding trust, particularly if they work closely together or travel together. If at all possible, your husband would change jobs or even take a position in the same company that doesn’t require him to work closely with this woman. Even if it requires a reduction in pay, it is worth it to rebuild trust within your marriage.

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Thank you for your honesty. Many women struggle with porn but don’t know where to find help because it is assumed to be a “man’s problem.” 30% of all porn consumers are women! I’m so glad that the Lord is giving you victory in this area.

The fact that your boyfriend “hasn’t been able to forgive” is a serious concern for your future with him. If you are moving toward marriage, it is important for the two of you to talk this through with a trusted counselor.

Sexual struggles, like all other sins, follow us into marriage. Sometimes we battle the same sin patterns as when we were single. Other times, the temptations are slightly different. Marriage is always the union of two sinners! Grace, communication and forgiveness is key – regardless of the nature of the battle.

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I am so glad that the Lord has brought a wonderful Christian man into your life! I am praying that God brings complete healing to you sexually!

As you prepare for marriage, keep a couple of things in mind.

-       Receiving Christ’s forgiveness for your past is immediate, but healing can be a journey. Your sexual relationship with your new husband is blessed by God! However, you might still experience lingering feelings of fear and shame because of your past experiences. Sexual feelings and desires have been linked with painful and traumatic experiences. It may take time for your body to accept that sex is now safe and pure. Talking and praying this through with your husband can be a big help.
-       Work toward renewing your mind. You have years of memories that you want to forget about. Counseling may be helpful as you process these painful and traumatic memories. But it is also important to replace those thoughts with new truths. Read and study the Song of Solomon which proclaims the beauty of sexual love and passion in marriage. Perhaps memorize a passage from the Song that you can meditate on when the old thoughts come back.
-       Give yourself time. You and your husband are just beginning your sexual relationship together. You both have a lot to learn. Through the process of mistakes, difficulties and communication, you will develop a deep intimacy that goes beyond the physical aspects of sex.

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I’m so sorry you experienced sexual abuse! I trust that God is leading you to healing and to a restored trust in Him.

Some women do respond to molestation through being “hypersexual,” but you may also just have a high sex drive. There are both healthy and unhealthy motivations for “wanting sex constantly.” It would be helpful to ask yourself and the Lord questions about whether or not there are fears and lies that fuel your desire for sex. For example, do you believe that sex is the primary way of receiving love? Do you feel valued by your husband primarily when you are having sex? Do you feel shame associated with sex?

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I am so sorry for the disturbing thoughts and memories you are having. Yes, it is possible to be remembering things that happened long ago. In fact, in many cases memories of childhood abuse surface in adulthood once you have your own children.

There is a lot of controversy in the psychological world about the accuracy of repressed memories. However, most professionals agree with the fact that highly traumatic events are stored in our memories differently than normal childhood interactions. I believe that God has given our minds the ability to temporarily block traumatic experiences that are too painful to process. As you grow and mature, you develop the capacity to process and understand things that you couldn't as a child.

Addressing traumatic memories of childhood abuse is certainly a painful and difficult process. It may be disruptive to family relationships and is likely to create stress and chaos while you are in the midst of healing. It will be very helpful for you to work with a counselor who is trained in sexual abuse recovery. In addition, you will need a strong support network to encourage you through the process.

In Exodus 15:26, God tells His people that He is the God who heals them, Jehovah Rapha. This applies not only to physical healing, but also emotional trauma. Seek His comfort, wisdom and presence as you begin this journey of healing. Our prayer is that Authentic Intimacy can be an encouragement to you through the process as well.

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We can weather through many of life’s challenges with staying power, the comfort of friends, and seeking peace from God. But sometimes, problems become so difficult that they swallow us. This can happen for you personally or in your marriage.

The Bible encourages us to seek wise counsel when making big decisions or facing grave challenges. That brings up two important questions: “When do I know that I need outside help?” and “How do I know that the counsel is wise?”

Here are some guidelines to help you determine when it might be time to seek outside counsel:

• You or your husband displays symptoms of clinical depression or anxiety. Some of these symptoms might include dramatic changes in sleep and eating patterns (too much or too little), feelings of hopelessness, constant restlessness, or thoughts of self-harm.
• You and your husband have a significant disagreement that you can’t resolve and you need a third party’s perspective.
• Disagreements between you and your husband have become toxic. You can’t discuss a difference without the conversation escalating.
• There is any form of physical or emotional abuse in your marriage.
• There are unresolved losses or wounds in the past that significantly impact present decisions and relationships.

Remember that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but an indication of wisdom. However, not all counselors (even if they have credentials) are wise. The Bible doesn’t say just to seek any counsel, but only WISE counsel. In fact, foolish advice is worse than no advice! How do you know if a counselor is wise?

• The Bible says repeatedly, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Does this counselor respect God’s authority as the definer of truth?
• Is he or she qualified? Even the most godly man or woman might not be equipped to perform open-heart surgery. The same is true with helping with psychological issues like depression, eating disorders, and abuse recovery.
• What is his or her reputation? King Solomon wrote, “Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is right and pure.” Someone recognized by your church and community as a wise person should have earned that respect not merely by educational accomplishments but by character and the fruit of his or her own life.

One of the names of God is “Counselor.” While He may use people to give you wise counsel, don’t forget to first and foremost seek His wisdom, His comfort, and His counsel. As David proclaimed, “Surely, you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”

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First of all, I applaud you for your efforts to restore your marriage in the aftermath of your husband’s infidelity. A breach of trust that deep is so difficult to recover from that many couples are not willing to do the rebuilding effort.

To answer your question, you cannot know for certain that he will never be unfaithful again. Choosing to love another person always involves an act of faith, hoping for what we cannot be certain about. However, no marriage can be based on “blind faith.” In a marriage relationship, you and your husband owe it to each other to demonstrate a commitment to fidelity. This is particularly true as he has been unfaithful in the past.

Working with your counselor, you and your husband need to build safeguards or “hedges” around your marriage to protect against another affair. For example, do you have access to each other’s cell phones and email accounts? Obviously, you could go overboard checking up on your husband, feeding an atmosphere of distrust and even paranoia. But in the wake of an affair, it is reasonable for you to expect a greater level of accountability in order to rebuild trust.

Another critical element of preventing another affair is understanding how the first one occurred. In many cases, affairs happen because there are cracks in the marriage. Perhaps you and your spouse drifted apart, stopped communicating, and left each other lonely in the process. Maybe there were growing unresolved issues related to finances, sex, or parenting. Sometimes, an individual may have emotional problems such as past sexual abuse or bipolar disorder that lead to an increased likelihood of infidelity. Work with your counselor to identify what made your marriage open to the affair initially. Then come up with practical ways to strengthen those weak areas.