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Sexual Integrity: The Heart of Sexually Discipling Your Kids
Today’s Christian parents often feel torn between the cultural messages of sex positivity and traditional church teachings about saving sex for marriage, both of which seem fraught with potential challenges and pitfalls. While cultural messages are at odds with God’s revealed design for sexual expression, traditional religious messages often equate human sexuality with unspoken shame and confusion.
I believe God’s design for humanity is good in every area of life, including sexuality. ...
5 Reasons You’re Not Talking to Your Kids About Sex (and How to Overcome Them)
Over the past decade, I have physically stood in front of more than 100,000 people to teach on sexuality. It is literally my job to talk about sex. But here’s a little secret. The most difficult conversations I have had about sex have been with my own children. It has been easier for me to stand in front of thousands of strangers than to talk to my own children about this topic.
You keep hearing that you need to talk to your kids about sex. With each passing day the issues become more ...
Talking to Your Kids About Sex: Why, When, and How
My husband had just returned home with our youngest son after a weekend away for the sex talk. Christian, eleven at the time, sheepishly told me, “Mom, I feel like I’m too young to know all these things about sex.”
I reassured him, “I know how you feel, but Dad and I want to tell you about sex before you learn about it from your friends or what you see in movies.”
Christian went off to play but returned a few hours later with an observation. “Mom, I’ve been thinking. The way the world is ...
Does God Want Me to Love Myself?
This is potentially the most controversial blog I have ever written. As I’ve often stated, the Bible isn’t primarily offensive because of what it says about our sexuality. It is offensive because of what it says about our humanity. You may disagree with what you are going to read. That’s okay! We often grow the most when some of our closely held assumptions are challenged.
In American Christianity we have accepted and repeated a phrase that I believe is blatantly untrue. Here it is: God ...
Help! I’m in a Sexless Marriage!
My husband and I haven’t had sex in two years. The drought began after I had our third child. I’ve never really enjoyed sex. I was always tired, and I just didn’t think it was worth the effort anymore. Now, we don’t even talk about it.
My wife and I got married about eighteen months ago. Because of sexual pain, we have not been able to have sex. Does that mean we aren’t really married? We have started talking about whether we should even stay together if we can’t have sex after trying so ...
Why We Don’t Experience Victory
I recently spoke with a young woman who despises herself because of her continual struggle with lust and pornography. She’s tried to obey God and run away from sin only to find herself falling into it once again. I’ve met other people who feel similar discouragement in their marriage or on their healing journey.
Why do followers of Jesus stay captive to sin? Why doesn’t God fix broken marriages and heal our wounded hearts? If it is for freedom that Christ came, why aren’t we free?
This is ...
Help! How Much Sex is “Normal” for Married Couples?
It isn’t uncommon for us to receive questions from married couples asking about a normal frequency for sex. Should they have sex once a week, twice a week, or every day?! We understand that it can be challenging for two people with different levels of desire for sex to find a sexual rhythm and routine that works for both of them, but instead of asking, “What is normal?” try asking, “What is healthy?” It’s important to focus not on what everyone else is doing, but on what is good for you ...
What Do I Do With My Sexual Desires?
“What do I do with my sexual desire?” I’ve heard this question from men and women of every age, from those who have never married and from those who find themselves “single again.” I have also heard this question from married people who, for one reason or another, do not feel sexually satisfied within marriage. (Presione aquí para leer en español).
If you follow Christ, you aim to steward your sexuality in a way that honors God’s design. God created sex to be an expression and celebration ...
What Defines an Intimate Relationship?
A few years ago, I was speaking at a college campus about God’s design for sexuality. During a break, a young woman approached me with a question, “You said that God created me for intimacy. Isn’t intimacy the same thing as having sex?”
(Presione aquí para leer en español)
This brave woman articulated a confusion that I believe many experience. Intimacy and sex have become synonymous. For example, an eleven-year-old girl develops her first significant friendship with a classmate. They ...
How Do I Know He’s “The One”?
Q: Is there one person I'm meant to marry, or should I just choose a good man?
A: This question isn't simply a contemplative exercise; it impacts how you approach dating and marriage. However, I think it is the wrong question to be asking.
The question of "Is there one guy I'm supposed to marry?" is fundamentally based on fear. You've likely seen marriages break apart and wonderful romances turn ugly. Perhaps you grew up in the throes of your mom and dad fighting. Judith Wallerstein, one ...
Prioritize Sexual Intimacy by Getting Your Bedroom Ready, Part 3
One very practical and creative way to work on sexual intimacy in your marriage is to put thought and intention into the physical space of your bedroom. Whether or not you are aware of it, the environment of your bedroom impacts your sexual intimacy. Here is a quick exercise to show you what I mean:
Close your eyes and imagine walking into the following different physical spaces. For each of these familiar environments, use your imagination and pay close attention to what you might see, ...
Prioritize Sexual Intimacy by Getting Your Body Ready, Part 2
Much of my work in helping people navigate sexual issues revolves around how we think about sex. Your thought life, and your understanding of God and sex, are very important to your sex life. However, the basic truth is this: you can’t have sex without a body.
Sex, at one level, is a gift exchange of two bodies. I give my body to my husband and he gives his to me. There have been seasons where I felt like I was giving a very subpar gift—kind of like that Christmas present you found on the ...
Prioritize Sexual Intimacy by Getting Your Mind Ready, Part 1
“Your most important sex organ is your brain.” I remember when I first heard this statement as a young married woman. Enjoying sex is practically impossible without thinking about it.
Both men and women can struggle to know how to think about sex in a way that is both exciting and honoring to each other. However, the link between thinking about sex and preparing for it is particularly strong for women. Many wives describe feeling like they have “sexual ADHD.” They can’t get their mind to ...
A Road Map to Sexual Integrity in the Midst of Sexual Brokenness
Do you want to know the question that keeps me up at night? It’s this: How can I honor God with my sexuality in the face of my sexual brokenness and unmet desires?
At Authentic Intimacy, we often use words like sexual wholeness or sexual integrity instead of sexual purity. The first time I remember hearing this distinction, I was skeptical. Isn’t that just a fancy repackaging of the ideas I’d grown up with in the purity movement? But as I started to digest it a bit more, I realized it is ...
Are You a Good Friend? 7 Keys to Building Healthy Friendship
Several months ago, a friend invited me to coffee. After catching up on kids and ministry, I noticed her countenance shift. She obviously was struggling to share something difficult with me. After a few deep breaths, my friend explained how several years ago I had said and done things that deeply hurt her. I felt horrible for my insensitivity and for how I had hurt her without realizing the impact of my actions. Even though I couldn’t go back in time, I was grateful that my friend cared ...
5 Ways the Church Must “Step Up” in Response to Sexual Abuse Within Its Walls
A few weeks ago, the Christian world was rocked by a bombshell revelation. An independent report of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) documented a pattern of ignoring and silencing victims of sexual abuse within the denomination. While there were rumblings of trouble a few years ago, even the leaders who called for the investigation were horrified by what it revealed. Russel Moore, who was one of the leaders sounding the alarm, wrote this in response to the report: “I was wrong to call ...
How To Go From Demand and “Duty Sex” to True Sexual Intimacy
As Roy and Stacy listened to their pastor teach on I Corinthians 7, they began to shift uncomfortably in their seats. “Paul is saying here that a wife is to meet her husband’s sexual needs. If she doesn’t, he may be tempted to seek sex outside of their relationship.” The pastor tried to dampen the tension in the room with an ill-advised joke. “Men, maybe you are like me and this is your favorite passage in the Bible. I once told my wife that I’d love for her to get me a plaque for our ...
How To Help Little Ones Celebrate How God Made Their Bodies
We're happy to welcome Francie Winslow back to the blog. You can learn more from Francie at her website.
I was cuddled up with my youngest son on the couch when the well-known cartoon “Blues Clues” popped up on the screen. Along with flashy colors came a classic tune, “Ants Go Marching One by One.” But instead of hearing the normal lyrics that I expected to match that familiar trumpeting song, I heard something much different. As the vibrant wave of colors and happy smiling faces filled ...
What To Wear in the Bedroom?
Do you need to change what you wear in the bedroom? Like me, maybe you choose your sleepwear based on comfort and not to entice. I much prefer Life is Good to Victoria Secret in the bedroom, but we will save that conversation for another day. Even though I sometimes write and speak on spicing up sex in marriage, this blog is about a different kind of “bedroom clothes.”
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, ...
What God Wants For Christmas
True confession: the Christmas season overwhelms me.
It’s not the busyness, the music, or the parties, but the gift-giving that stresses me out. Gifts are not my love language, so I never know how to answer my husband when he asks what I’d like for Christmas. What makes the season most stressful is choosing gifts for others. I rarely feel like I picked out the perfect gift. If I knew something that would delight a friend or loved one, I’d buy it in a heartbeat, but I usually feel like I’m ...